There's a demon inside of me. Can I kill it?

What's so bad about finding someone like that? What are you afraid of exactly?

Good question. The first part is that emotions bother and perturb me because they make me feel like I'm being controlled by something out of my power. In general I am very logic and left-brained, so feelings confuse the shit out of me. I've been reading some zen monk writings to cultivate the art of mindfulness, but I still need a lot of practice. The second part is that I've always told myself that I wouldn't let myself catch real feelings for someone. This is a fail-safe mechanism I developed to keep myself aloof and invincible. I would be curious to hear if anyone else has developed and subsequently stripped away this emotional shield?

by letting your guard down.

This is inherently difficult for me, I feel naked and vulnerable if I do so. I always have a guard up. For everything. Even after taking down my guard there is still a hidden guard somewhere. I'd like to do away with all of the guards for now. I just need to find all of them, which is taxing.

I think that the change you desire will only come with time. Until then, you'll just have to catch yourself and redirect your thoughts.

Surprisingly succinct for a computer!