There's a demon inside of me. Can I kill it?
 

Hello friends. I have begun a new relationship, but because I am in such a transitional period of my life, I initially compartmentalized it into a very specific role before it even started: "practice." I went looking for a suitable partner for the purpose of adding another notch to my belt, knowing full well that I would move on in time. But this girl that I have become enamored with is too sweet. I sincerely enjoy her company and being around her (trust me, this is rare). She makes me happy, and I make her happy. I haven't giggled this much in years. It's the most comfortable start I've ever had. And I feel like a fucking asshole.

How can I deactivate my own conspiring mind and just... be? I am tired of over-thinking everything that I do. I would like to just ride this one out without doing a cost/benefit analysis of my every move. Any advice?

Go fuck like three other women.

I.... don't really think I understand the problem. Can you elaborate?

Giggling is gay. You're gay.

I think that the change you desire will only come with time. Until then, you'll just have to catch yourself and redirect your thoughts.

by letting your guard down.

What's so bad about finding someone like that? What are you afraid of exactly?

Good question. The first part is that emotions bother and perturb me because they make me feel like I'm being controlled by something out of my power. In general I am very logic and left-brained, so feelings confuse the shit out of me. I've been reading some zen monk writings to cultivate the art of mindfulness, but I still need a lot of practice. The second part is that I've always told myself that I wouldn't let myself catch real feelings for someone. This is a fail-safe mechanism I developed to keep myself aloof and invincible. I would be curious to hear if anyone else has developed and subsequently stripped away this emotional shield?


This is inherently difficult for me, I feel naked and vulnerable if I do so. I always have a guard up. For everything. Even after taking down my guard there is still a hidden guard somewhere. I'd like to do away with all of the guards for now. I just need to find all of them, which is taxing.


Surprisingly succinct for a computer!

Way to completely ignore my constructive criticism...

Like all things in your head, you can ignore them even if you have created them.

Good point. But it's taken me years to build them up. It's gonna take some time to break them back down.

Well good thing is, you have finally realized what your first step is in the 12 step program.

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Shutup skittles.

So I just saw her again, and it was awesome. Thanks for the comments guys.

I think as long as you're not actively trying to sabotage it you're doing quite well. You might want to let her in on you having trust issues. As females we naturally assume we're the center of the universe and the guy in our life being somewhat distant or closed off makes us think it's something to do with us. We refuse to believe you guys may have thoughts that don't even involve us. Even if we pretend otherwise, it's totally true. You'll find she'll be more patient if you screw up.

Plus, excessive giggling is creepy. It's one of the things we look at as a warning we're probably headed towards being chucked in a large hole and being sprayed down with lotion.

I'm afraid to ask why you know that, but I'm also pretty sure how... :o

I have no advice, because I think I am in the same boat, or even more severe...

For me, I am just saying, "Fuck it!" And if I start to analyze something, I just tell myself, "Do it, and you'll know and not have to make stupid guesses! ^_^" I'm tired of the life I'm living right now, so the only way make a meaningful change is to make a major difference in how I perform.

Hope everything works out for you!

Is just comes down to attitude.

True enough!
As my homeroom teacher, freshmen year used to say;
Teach:"It's about attitude! You can't get far, if nobody liked you."
*someone raises hand*
Teach:"Yes?"
Kid1: "What about House?"
Teach: "Hn?"
Kid2: "Yeah, what about Dr. House!?"
*classroom is in an uproar...*

Teach: "H-house is different! Nobody at this school is as special as him!"
Kid2: "Yeah, are you putting us down!?"
Teach: "Wh- uhh.. that's not what I ment, I mean---"
Kid3: "You are, aren't you!?"





Ahhh... those were the days.... :(

Seems like feelings are a double edged sword. She makes me very happy, but a consequence of this is that the time spent without her seems to be somehow lacking. I miss her. Not to the point of collapse, but it's a nagging feeling that I'm not used to. Hopefully it will calm down with time.