If anyone here is a frequent patron of Something Awful, you might know the inspiration for the
explosion of stupidity I'm about to describe to you.
A month or two back, one of Something Awful's writers detailed his foray into the world of shitty Mexican candy. He voluntarily consumed an
obscene amount of awful hispanic confections and all for his reader's amusement. About three weeks ago, two friends of mine and I did the same thing, and I can't express how sorry I am that I did.
It started as I was grocery shopping one day. I happaned to to have read that article not two or three days prior, and as I was heading towards the canned foods aisle, a certain display caught my attention. It was a Mojave Mexican Foods display, and on one side of the rack there sat about 60% of the candies I had just read a number of horror stories about in addition to two or three items that
weren't on Zach Parson's list. I was too damned horrified to realize what I was doing, and I ended up buying at least one bag of everything I saw. My drummer Jeff, my band's webmaster Nels and I all sat down a few days later and decided to try at least one of every item before us. What a fucking mistake that was. Chronicled here are my best summarizations of our experience with each of these horrible, horrible culinary malformities.
Duvalin
We started with this shit. It's impossible to tell by the picture exactly what this crap looks like, but it's not appetizing in the slightest. Basically, they're little plastic containers with foil covers
filled with either strawberry or chocolate goo. We didn't have any spoons, so each of us just scooped out a finger-full of this junk and ate it. The flavor actually wasn't too offensive. It was the fucking
texture that drove me to near insanity. This is the most succint explanation of the texture that I can conjure: imagine if the cartoon character "Strawberry Shortcake" had an older brother. Now, imagine the elder Shortcake jerking off and excreting gooey cake icing into a small, plastic container. That's about what it tasted like.
Carlos V (No image)
We followed up our venture into horrorland with this next item, titled Carlos V. I have no fucking idea who Carlos V is, or what in the name of hell he has to do with shitty Mexican chocolate, but I swear, if I ever
meet this man, I'll gut him with his own fucking jawbone. Honestly, it wasn't a terrible product, and certainly not as bad as some of the later items, but it was "good" by
no stretch of the imagination. Carlos V was just a simple, phallic shaped chocolate bar. No nuts, no caramel, no noughat. Just chocolate. You'd think it would be pretty hard to fuck that up, wouldn't you? There's not much to say beyond the fact that it was the worst chocolate bar I've ever eaten. The entire thing was waxy, oddly textured and not terribly sweet. It was like eating a log of Keebler Elf shit.
Bubblegum Coins
Again, another not-too-terrible offering in comparison with the later horrors. Each of these Bubblegum Coins is individually wrapped in foil, and I'd like to add that actually
removing the foil from these things is a monstrous chore. I don't know if somebody at the Mojave packaging plant went nuts with the krazy glue, or if this particular blend of chemicals sweats pure industrial-strength adhesive, but it took me nearly five minutes just to unwrap one. Upon
finally removing the reprehensible disc of gum from it's crypt, I was not greeted with a tasty treat of some sort. What I placed in my mouth was
easily the most offensive hunk of bubblegum I've ever tasted. It was fucking
greasy. It was nauseatingly sweet, it was hard as rubber cement and it was fucking
greasy. Just plain unappealing.
Marshmellow Pops (No image)
Okay, this is where the test started to go downhill. Honestly, I thought we were going to recieve some sort of break on this one. The idea of a marshmallow coated in chocolate seemed like a pretty appealing item to me. I don't know how it's possible to have fucked
this one up, but Mojave certainly did! The chocolate coating was the most waxy, brittle and outright
vile chocolate I have ever forced myself to consume. The Carlos V was the worst chocolate
bar I've ever eaten, but the outer shell on those Marshmellow Pops was the worst overall. The marshmallow core was actually mush worse, though. Have you ever had a Circus Peanut? You know, those ghastly pink/orange peanut shaped marshmallow lumps that
turn into fucking sand in your mouth after you keep them in there for a few seconds!!!! The hateful shit in the middle of those Marshmellow Pops was the same damned substance. I actually
liked the taste for a second or two, and then I got a mouthful of wet, grainy sugar-gravel. Fucking awful.
Some Horrible Peanut Disc That I Can't Remember The Name Of (Obviously no image)
I can't remember the name of this crap, and honestly, I'm pretty thankful for it. This was the real turning point of the experiment. The Marshmellow Pops were a foul omen. This was the first wave of atrocity. These weird, brown discs were maybe a half-inch thick, and maybe two inches in diameter. Upon unwrapping mine, the thing immediately began to crumble in my hands. That's when the first horrible realization hit me:
THE FUCKING THING SMELLED LIKE PLAY-DOH. As soon as I opened the wrapper, that weird musky/salty odor struck my nose and instantly images of preschool flooded my brain. In spite of the warning bells going off in my skull, I bit into the disc and
tried to swallow about half of it. I emphasize the word "try" because I began gagging the instant I opened up my throat and tried to move the shit out of my mouth. Upon biting into the disc, it turned into heavy-grained powder and immediately flooded every space in my mouth. At first it wasn't so terrible...then it began to coagulate. After a few seconds of soaking in my saliva, the power began to churn itself into a chunky, lumpy
glue-like mess. It was at this point that I tried to swallow the crap, and failed at doing so. I tried once more to get the shit down, and I couldn't. I ended up having to spit it out, for fear of barfing all over Nels' dorm room.
Some Tamarind Horror That I Can't Remember The Name Of
I searched for the term "tamarind candy" on Google and got lucky. This shit would be the first in a number of Tamarind candies that my friends and I would consume that night. For those of you unaware as to the true nature of Tamarind, let me enlighten you.
TAMARIND IS PURE FUCKING EVIL. IT IS SATAN'S COAGULATED SEMEN, SWEAT AND BLOOD TRANSPORTED DIRECTLY FROM HELL INTO OUR PLANE OF EXISTENCE. IT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE SUBSTANCE TO EVER BE CONSUMED BY MAN. GOD, I FUCKING HATE TAMARIND!!!!! In all seriousness, Tamarind is a form of fruit, and for some
ungodly reason, Mexicans seem to fucking love it. I honestly can't comprehend why. It's the most nauseating flavor of
anything that I have ever encountered. The item pictured above is basically a Tamarind-flavored push pop of sorts. Actually
pushing the foul Tamarind sludge out of the container is nearly impossible. The shit is
so viscous that after about five straight minutes of squeezing, I only managed to eject about 3/4 of an inch of the goo. Upon scraping the foul grime off with my front teeth (too viscous to lick off) my tongue was instantly assulted with a violent mixture of bitterness and
salt. That's right. Salt. HOW MANY GODDAMNED "CANDIES" DO YOU EAT THAT ARE FUCKING
SALTY!!?!?? The Tamarind glue immediately adhered to my molars, and worked it's way into the back of my throat against my will. I ended up accidentally swallowing the whole "load" in a fit of uncontrollable revulsion. I'm sure I'll end up suffering some sort of reproductive defect for that unfortunate mistake.
And that concludes the first half of this humorous experiment gone horribly awry. Check back tomorrow for the grand finale!
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