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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven. "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?""Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began questioning him about where he got it. He told them to fuck off and let him get to sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, come with me," he said and flew out of the cave with dozens of bats following on behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
A little girl was puzzled asto her origin. "How did I get here,Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did." "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes." he child shook her head in disbelief. " Then you mean to tell me there has been no fucking sex in this family for 200 years?... No wonder everyone is so cranky!
Two guys are drinking at the bar one night till closing time. After the bar closes, they go to a friend's house and drink even more. About 4:30 am, guy1 says to guy2, "I gotta go home. My wife is gonna kill me." Aw, don't worry about it, you can make it up to her." guy1 looks nervous and says, "No, she might actually kill me dead." OK, here's what you do. When you get home, go inside, leave all the lights off. Take off your shoes and sneak into the bedroom then get naked and crawl into bed from the foot end under the covers. Crawl right up between her legs and start licking her pussy. Lick her pussy for all you're worth, lick to save your marriage, lick her pussy to save your life! She'll come all over your face and then roll over, fall asleep, and forgive you." So, guy1 says, "OK, I guess it's worth a try." He goes home, sneaks into the room, leaves the lights off, takes off his shoes, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed from the foot end. He crawls up between her legs and starts to lick her pussy. He licks her pussy for all he's worth. He licks her pussy to save his marriage, he licks her pussy to save his life. After an hour of moaning and thrashing and bucking, his face is completely covered with pussy juice and she starts to come. She comes over and over for three or four minutes then she rolls over and falls asleep. "Well," he thinks, "Great! it worked!" He slides out of bed and goes into the bathroom to wash his face. When he opens the bathroom door to come back out, his wife is standing there. She says, "Shhh... be very quiet and come into the living room. We're sleeping in there while your mom stays in our room."
There was an intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa Claus walking down the street. They all see a £20 note. Who picks it up? The intelligent man, the others don't exist
A Rabbit set himself down in a quiet corner of the woods to take a dump and was just popping the Turtles head when a big Bear settled next to him and began to crap loudly with an awful stink, the Rabbit was pissed off but said nothing, choosing instead to ignore the revolting bear. " Hey Rabbit, does it bother you when the shit sticks to your fur?" said the Bear. " No, not really, " said the Rabbit. The bear picked up the Rabbit and wiped his arse with him. Some time later the same bear and rabbit where going through the woods. They met this genie the genie said I will grant you each 3 wishes and the bear went first "I would like all the other bears in the forest to be female" wish granted The rabbit said "I would like a helmet", the bear laughed at the foolish wish. So the bear thought and said "I would like all the other bears in the U.S. to be female" The rabbit "I would like a motorcycle", the bear laughed and said he should have asked for money and bought a motorcycle. The bears final wish was that all the other bears in the world be female. The rabbit reved up the engine a few times and was set to go when he said "I wish that the bear was gay"
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers..
9. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half..
8. See if they could finally do the splits..
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet..
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch..
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time..
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first..
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1.Finally find that damned G-spot..
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America..
9. Get a blow job..
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat..
7. Pee standing up while talking to men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis....
1. Repeat number 9.....
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, Fred, the poor thing is shivering, it's so cold. What should I do?" "Put it between your legs." "What about the smell?" "Hold its nose."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."
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