Mantralord's guide to surviving hurricanes.

As most of you know, but don't seem to care, my house seems to be right in the center path of Hurricane Frances. However gay and weak as I may look, I've been in the way of Death's winds many times, most notably grazing the outer wall of Hurricane Andrew. While most of you probably won't be in the way of this buzzsaw of doom, I've still taken the liberty of preparing a useful guide to surviving a hurricane:

Step 1: Buy the necessary supplies.

While food is a good necessity, you also need a way to pass the time. First, pay a visit to your local Home Depot (or Lowes if you swing that way), and get yourself a decent generator, and don't forget to purchase several dozen gallons of gas. Next, take a trip to the local XXX store, and stock up on magazines and DVD's of your favorite sexual flavor. Nothing passes the time better than masturbation, and that's swell. Use the generator to power your TV and DVD player.

Step 2: Armor yourself.

While a Shaftstop or Enigma armor may seem ideal here, be aware that these items do not exist in real life. While most people recommend using plywood to armor the house, I go with good ol' fashioned cement. Simply make a ton of cement, and use a shovel to swing it at the windows. Use a cement spatula to even out the layers, as this makes it more aerodynamic. Stick a few cigarrette butts into the cement for added strength.

Step 3: Arm yourself.

Let's face it, white people get a hissy-fit after any little trauma, and a hurricane is no exception. After a hurricane, supplies are low, tensions are high, and if you think people are going to nicely ask for supplies, think again. You need guns. Since gun shops generally have a waiting period, and people like buying things at the last moment (good job, assholes), the best place to get a weapon is from the ghetto Mexican standing at the corner. The trade should be easy, as not only money is accepted, but drugs are too. Remember to buy bullets too, nigga.


Well, that completes my guide. I hope it's as useful to you as it's been to me.