The Exciting Life of a Postgrad

Weirdly, the conversation topic of "Who does Lenny have a crush on?" came up tonight. I'm slightly worried that the people in the group just knew that I like someone in Big Band, and a couple even correctly predicted previous likes ("I had a feeling that at one point, Lenny fancied [Girl X]")... but amusingly, not a single one thinks that I would like the girl I do like. They didn't give their reasons, but it was general consensus around the table, as they went through the possibles, that this girl just wouldn't be attractive to me in the slightest. It was interesting too that the ones they think I would have an interest in don't appeal to me in the slightest. Indeed, a good number repel me.

I've never heard of GHB, by the way, but part of the second year curriculum for chemists is synthesising rohypnol. I know a good number of chemists.

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A few people who graduated last year are up this weekend, including a couple from my old corridor, one of whom I lived with in second year. I'd forgotten how nice it was to be in a group with the four others in my second year house. I think second year was by far my favourite year, even though we were quite distant from College.

So I'd psyched myself up to invite her out for coffee by the end of the week, but as of last night, she has a boyfriend. I'm starting to wonder if there's a deity somewhere, whom I've denounced, that's shitting on me, because things like this keep happening.

That, or I'm infinitely worse at reading people than I thought I was.

Maybe it's a sign that you should man up and not wait until she has a boyfriend next time.

So I'd psyched myself up to invite her out for coffee by the end of the week, but as of last night, she has a boyfriend. I'm starting to wonder if there's a deity somewhere, whom I've denounced, that's shitting on me, because things like this keep happening. That, or I'm infinitely worse at reading people than I thought I was.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

I drafted three responses to that, going on about how I think most of these diagnoses are bullshit excuses for bad parenting, rationalising my dislike for social encounters with lack of opportunity as I grew up, and similar rubbish, but I think everything boils down to lack of confidence.

I consider myself a perfectly normal guy (maybe a bit controlling if given the chance, and OCD about organisation, but everyone has their own particular and peculiar quirks). When I'm past the awkwardness of the first few meetings with new people, everything is fine - I can stop and talk to them in the street, or in the bar, have longer conversations with them and I get decreasingly worried about being alone with them. I guess it's the same for most people.

I find it difficult to ask girls I like out for coffee (or, I suppose, anything that could constitute a date), because I see it as an admission of feelings and I'm convinced that they would too, which scares me. I've never liked losing control of a situation (or myself... which I guess is a reason for not drinking), and I feel deeply uncomfortable about entirely exposing myself emotionally to someone who is still a stranger. Then again, to them, it may just seem like a gesture of friendship.

Short answer to diagnosis: No. I guess I'm just more reserved and lacking in confidence than others.

Maybe manning up and saying, "Fuck it, you only live once", is my best course of action. Obviously with this girl, however attractive I find her, there's nothing that can be done. Maybe things won't work out and I'll get my chance within a couple of months. Maybe things will collapse in a couple of years and I might still be around and single, with renewed feelings. Maybe I'll even randomly bump into someone on a train. Dwelling on things sucks, and I've had a miserable day.

Whatever happens in the future, I can probably work on building up my confidence around people I don't know.

Woah woah woah. Just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean she wouldn't be interested in you and there's nothing you can do, especially if he's a new thing. Damn son, just try it. What's the worst that could happen? You've got to find some confidence somewhere and you aren't going to find it by sitting back and doing nothing. Yeah, you might crash and burn on your first several attempts, but it's all part of working up to the confidence you need if you don't want to be foreveralone. Just like with anything else, practice makes perfect. I know how it is though, because just a year ago I was exactly like you, and I haven't even made a ton of progress from there. I'm fortunate enough to have acquired a suitable mate for the time being. She also had a boyfriend when I first started talking to her, and they were in a multi-year relationship too. I saw how they were together, saw the things he was not providing her that she desired, and filled the void. I learned from his mistakes and came out on top. Like a baws.

Is she happy?
Yes>
Then isn't that what's best?
No>
Kick his ass.
Yes, for now, but things won't work out>
Try and warn her, but don't piss her off about it. Kick his ass when the time comes.

I drafted three responses to that, going on about how I think most of these diagnoses are bullshit excuses for bad parenting, rationalising my dislike for social encounters with lack of opportunity as I grew up, and similar rubbish, but I think everything boils down to lack of confidence. I consider myself a perfectly normal guy (maybe a bit controlling if given the chance, and OCD about organisation, but everyone has their own particular and peculiar quirks). When I'm past the awkwardness of the first few meetings with new people, everything is fine - I can stop and talk to them in the street, or in the bar, have longer conversations with them and I get decreasingly worried about being alone with them. I guess it's the same for most people. I find it difficult to ask girls I like out for coffee (or, I suppose, anything that could constitute a date), because I see it as an admission of feelings and I'm convinced that they would too, which scares me. I've never liked losing control of a situation (or myself... which I guess is a reason for not drinking), and I feel deeply uncomfortable about entirely exposing myself emotionally to someone who is still a stranger. Then again, to them, it may just seem like a gesture of friendship. Short answer to diagnosis: No. I guess I'm just more reserved and lacking in confidence than others. Maybe manning up and saying, "Fuck it, you only live once", is my best course of action. Obviously with this girl, however attractive I find her, there's nothing that can be done. Maybe things won't work out and I'll get my chance within a couple of months. Maybe things will collapse in a couple of years and I might still be around and single, with renewed feelings. Maybe I'll even randomly bump into someone on a train. Dwelling on things sucks, and I've had a miserable day. Whatever happens in the future, I can probably work on building up my confidence around people I don't know.

Gotcha. I was just curious if you had any traces of aspie behavior (being a nerd and a programmer increases your odds :P), but I wasn't trying to be mean.

This is a tough thing to help you with from a distance. I think it's important to cultivate two things.

1. Not-giving-a-fuck-ness, which for me is realizing that the universe is so unimaginably massive that our puny existences are completely inconsequential. If that isn't enough, realize that nobody is going to think back in a few years "wow, remember that Lenny guy? He was a real milquetoast." People are too caught up in their own lives to really give a shit what you do anyway.

2. Awareness of body language cues and the ability to read people's behavior. Do you know how it's obvious to you when a guy and a girl are hitting it off, but those people involved are often oblivious? You need to be able to turn this inward so that you can "read" people you interact with. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you should seek out some literature on body language. There is a lot of it out there for management purposes, but it also applies for flirting.)

I'm pretty tired so if I think of something helpful I'll add it later.

Gotcha. I was just curious if you had any traces of aspie behavior.

My little brother Josh actually is an ass pie, so I can tell you right now, if Lenny is one, it's incredibly minor.

She strikes me as an interesting person, so I'd like to get to know her regardless of any possible romantic involvement. I'll see how I can turn conversations towards TV, offer her the first series of Lost, even if I have to force it on her. Would also give me reason to stop and talk to her when I see her around College and town, etc.

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Gotcha. I was just curious if you had any traces of aspie behavior (being a nerd and a programmer increases your odds :P), but I wasn't trying to be mean.

No offence taken - I've considered it myself, though just autism rather than full-blown aspergers.

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Thanks for the confidence in my ass-kicking skills, Skurai, but I'll tell you now that I'm not driving down to London to search for a bloke I don't know.

Oh yeah, long-distance relationship (well, in England at least - a couple of hundred miles is long distance on an island). I'm sure we all know that they rarely turn out for the good. She's a student in the first year of a four year course in the North East, and he's working down in London.

Thanks for the confidence in my ass-kicking skills, Skurai, but I'll tell you now that I'm not driving down to London to search for a bloke I don't know.

I keep forgetting that not everyone else is as messed up as me. I once tracked a man I've never met before down, two years later, just to get a Pokemon from him that he'd promised me.


Now, most of the time long distance relationships won't work. I'm willing to bet that if you steal her interest away from him, she'll just tell him something things and break up with him. Now, dealing with the fact he might try and kick your ass is an entirely different subject, in that situation, but...

My current relationship is a long distance relationship and it's going great. It's ideal for me, because I don't have time for a full time girlfriend. We chat on webcam every few days, talk online pretty much daily, and get together every few months and fuck like bunnies. It's pretty awesome, because we never get sick of each other.

EDIT: Oh and also I didn't have to worry about her boyfriend kicking my ass because he doesn't know where I live.