Dave Attell

He fucking rules.

"The key to a healthy relationship is to always keep surprises around the corner. Here's a tip fellas: to spice up your romance, the next time your girlfriend or wife leaves the room, take a big dump in the middle of the floor. Nothing is more surprising or mysterious than a dump in the middle of the floor. And it ALWAYS starts a conversation. 'Is that what I think it is? Yeah, it IS. How the hell did it get there? You'd better hold me because I'm scared.'"