bash.org quotes

[Demosthenes]

Ever reading through bash and like a quote a lot? Post it here.

Hekili_Manu: Ok. So I called my bank's fraud dept about that hotels.com letter I got since I apparently used them twice with two different cards. I forgot completely that when I signed up you can assign your own security question online.
Hekili_Manu: So when I called and spoke to the guy they use the same security question and he asked me "Ok, I just need to verify one thing. How big is your c**k?"

[Demosthenes]

<Folkomo> So in class today we were playing guesstures or password- one of those games you have to guess a word or phrase- my friend apparently got T.V., but I didn't know that. He got up and said "Back in my Grandma's days, these used to only be black and white."
<Folkomo> I fucked up and said "water fountains" outloud.
<Folkomo> ...thats why I got detention.

<Wind-X> and penis butter and jelly make a good sandwich

PinkBabe571: i have to beat guys off with a stick
PinkBabe571: =/
ALLSTAR4212: just beat them off with your hands

[Vollstrecker]

Ever reading through bash and like a quote a lot? Post it here.

Hekili_Manu: Ok. So I called my bank's fraud dept about that hotels.com letter I got since I apparently used them twice with two different cards. I forgot completely that when I signed up you can assign your own security question online.
Hekili_Manu: So when I called and spoke to the guy they use the same security question and he asked me "Ok, I just need to verify one thing. How big is your c**k?"

That one is awesome, I would have died laughing if I were that customer service rep.

[MightyJoe]

<KTP> If I ever get a hot girl pregnant I'm going to hit her stomach with a shovel
<KTP> And just start yelling "NO! BAD HOT GIRL!"
<KTP> Because thats how you have to treat them
<KTP> Or else they won't learn
<ib> That's cruel. Isn't it bad enough that she's blind?

One of like 15, I have bookmarked

[D3V]

ahahah That's awesome

[Demosthenes]

Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day advenist (or whatever) freak ass neighbors
Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than me
Gear Grinder X: she was a bitch, and they were all totally religious
Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so I turned around, and went to run over here
Gear Grinder X: I was hauling ASS, and you know what she did?
Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and said "The lord will protect me"
Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't

[Thanatos]

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Good stuff.

[HandOfHeaven]

<@a> i should get "butt plug" tattooed on my cock

<squid> I mean, why pay for the cow, when the sex is free?
<anju> it wasn't so bad, but i wouldn't wanna do it again

<Titan> Where is everyone?
<GOLDNFIRE> up fizis ass
<Alby> that is sad ;(
<GOLDNFIRE> ya
<GOLDNFIRE> from what they say his sister a small dog + 4 homeless people are there as well

[Vault Dweller]

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

[Vollstrecker]

Bloodninja, lol. All we need is to Godwin this thread and it'll be perfect for the general internet.

[Demosthenes]

<third_planet> The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home.
<third-planet> So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car.
<third-planet> We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..
<Mr-Butlertron> The logic is all there...
<third-planet> I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off..
<third-planet> So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won't notice.
<third-planet> The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're busted.
<third-planet> So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red.
<third-planet> I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
<third-planet> He didn't even notice the smell of pot.
<third-planet> We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking silence ever.

[Thanatos]

HAHA. Some quick, disturbing thinking by that dude.

[!King_Amazon!]

As messed up as that is, it was pretty damn clever.

[Vault Dweller]

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

[HandOfHeaven]

Sometimes I say stupid shit that could be put on bash.org, but I hear that is against the rules.

[Vollstrecker]

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

This was complete win.

[Vault Dweller]

When I first read this, I laughed till I hurt. Then I laughed some more when I remembered what I was laughing about.

[JRwakebord]

My stomach hurts from that one

[JRwakebord]

<Quake-Hat> brad, your mom is fine as shit
<Quake-Hat> i think i will masturbate to her while i play with my balls
<bad_brad> brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the compliment, i will be calling your mother
<Quake-Hat> Jesus-fucking christ!!!



<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

[KagomJack]

Best quote ever!

[Vollstrecker]

<Quake-Hat> brad, your mom is fine as shit
<Quake-Hat> i think i will masturbate to her while i play with my balls
<bad_brad> brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the compliment, i will be calling your mother
<Quake-Hat> Jesus-fucking christ!!!



<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

HAHAHAHA

These are both great.

[!King_Amazon!]

Very nice, that last one JR.

[Demosthenes]

<@GM`> My god damn script is disobeying me.
<@GM`> It's like I programmed a woman >:(

<daem0n_> i got new car radio the other day, its pretty cool. you shout soul and it plays soul, you shout rock and it plays rock. the other day some kids ran past my car and i yelled "FUCKING KIDS" and it played michael jackson.

* Mazca just had a singularly scary experience there...
<Ephialtes> what happened Max?
<Mazca> I was just feeling sorry for myself and pissed off about not having a girlfriend, and wondering what I should do to sort my life out...
<Mazca> then my iTunes, AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, started playing "Gay Bar".

[Vault Dweller]

Love the grocery store/biter/HIV one. Fucking awesome.

[Demosthenes]

<+Inca> Lydia: Why did George Bush cross the road?
<+Inca> Lydia: Because his penis was stuck in the chicken!
<+Inca> I have strange friends
<+spock1104> he fucked the chicken and didn't have an exit strategy >_>

[Demosthenes]

<Shovel> I ran across the worst named person in the world today...
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers.

<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates. Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I’ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they tripped…sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide it’d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they’d be of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is “this fucking town is full of gremlins!”… They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied “I knew you’d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom…”
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as you’d expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed…they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open…
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof…
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying “hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah” lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.

[D3V]

Lolololol

[Vollstrecker]

<Shovel> I ran across the worst named person in the world today...
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers.

<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates. Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I’ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they tripped…sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide it’d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they’d be of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is “this fucking town is full of gremlins!”… They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied “I knew you’d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom…”
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as you’d expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed…they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open…
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof…
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying “hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah” lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.

Oh man, I think I just shortened my lifespan by laughing so hard.

[Vault Dweller]

“I knew you’d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom…”

That's brilliant.

[gruesomeBODY]

<Shovel> I ran across the worst named person in the world today...
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers.

<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates. Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I’ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they tripped…sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide it’d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they’d be of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is “this fucking town is full of gremlins!”… They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied “I knew you’d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom…”
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as you’d expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed…they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open…
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof…
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying “hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah” lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.


OMG I just pissed my pants. Funniest thing i ever heard.

[Thanatos]

Lmao. "This fucking town is full of gremlins."

[KagomJack]

Fucking hell that was great!

[-Spector-]

I want to go to Amsterdam but Hostel is kind of deturing me...

[HandOfHeaven]

I also want to go, but I hear Amsterdam is dirty.

[Lenny]

I would go... but I'd have to go through France if I didn't catch a plane.

[JRwakebord]

Lol gremlins

[Thanatos]

Stay in the touristy area and you'll be fine. I'm going later this year or early next year. I can't freakin wait.

[Willkillforfood]

I'd like to visit Norway for the sheer fact that instead of just having overpasses they have like waterways going over streets. That's some crazy shit.

[KagomJack]

<Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
<Galactic> I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
<Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic> I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids
<Galactic> I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY.
<Galactic> fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic> Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic> FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches
<Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
<Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
<Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic> NO.
<Galactic> I'd be thinking
<Galactic> "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?"
<Galactic> another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck> not me
<Flaming Duck> I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck> I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck> but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck> bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
<Flaming_Duck> don't give me that shit.
<Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic> Lucky Charms.
<Galactic> FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic> Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!?
<Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic> I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic> ....
<Galactic> KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic> it's just always bothered me."

[Willkillforfood]

<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?





-------------------------------------------

wtf, mj on bash.org??

#473599 +(4697)- [X]

Mjordan2nd: If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?
Chris: Spider Man
Tim: batman
Sidd: batman
Mjordan2nd: I'd be god

[-Spector-]

I saw that and wondered the same thing..

So mj, what's the verdict?

[KagomJack]

<Tal> Psh
<Tal> Our chem teacher said it didn't really matter how we titled the graphs and tables in our semester prac
<Tal> but i still lost marks for having a Table of +2 Undead Slaying and Graph of Destiny :(

[MightyJoe]

Yea, I've seen mj's before laughed a bit at it.

[Thanatos]

Yeah that's his. There was a thread about it when it became published on bash.org

[-Spector-]

w0rd.

http://zelaron.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36008&highlight=bash.org

[JRwakebord]

MJs is one of my personal favorites.

[-Spector-]

It's funny but there are better ones.

No offense mj

[Thanatos]

Major offense here, MJ. Fuck you.

[Demosthenes]

It's funny but there are better ones.

No offense mj

None taken.

Major offense here, MJ. Fuck you.

Well fuck you too Jimi!!!!!

[gruesomeBODY]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...


<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao


<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...


I thought the 2nd one was the greatest

[Vollstrecker]

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

Oddly enough, I had a girl do something similar to this in school as well. She was bright red too, but didn't leave the classroom.

The teacher didn't have a good response like that one though.

[-Spector-]

I found this one quite humorus:

<MftS> Who the fuck is the one naming hurricanes?
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there.

[HandOfHeaven]

Hahaha.

[kyeruu]

I found this one quite humorus:

<MftS> Who the fuck is the one naming hurricanes?
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there.
wooooo lol i laughed so hard when i saw that one.....

[kyeruu]

<immi> a penny for your thoughts
<dr\gonzo> a nickle for anal with your mom

[gruesomeBODY]

<NaStyChoC> hey babe asl?
<sweetangelic> hi, 14/f/aus ^^
<NaStyChoC> ive a real big cock..
<sweetangelic> o how big??
<NaStyChoC> 9in
<sweetangelic> dats prty big, mines only 8
<NaStyChoC> ok
<NaStyChoC> wait wtf


<Duzzy> today at work, i was cutting gras outside the local school.. and then a chick came up to me.. kissed me, squeezed my balls, gave me a note and the she ran of.. and i was like wtf?!? when I got my mind gathered I looked at the note and there was a phone number.. I should send an sms to it, and that was when I realized the bitch had stolen my cellphone =(

[JRwakebord]

LOL love that last one

[Demosthenes]

<EFudd> HAHAHAAHH
<EFudd> Subject: Req For Winframe Account
<EFudd> Hi Jason,
<EFudd> Can U pl... Create this account Immediatly.
<EFudd> User Id : crapolla
<EFudd> Password :crapolla
<EFudd> Other Info
<EFudd> 1) User Full Name:Claudia Rapolla

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

Unregistered> I think shes finally lost it...she sitting in the corner going *beep* *beep* and pretending shes a computer in the hope I will pay attention to her....

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE

<+Zeraliten> FUCK!! That cat needs to die a horrible death. He's chewed through the wires on my $120 headset
<@CCFreak2K> Zeraliten, electrical tape can take care of that.
<Teqonix> What, killing the cat, or fixing the headphones?



(idestroy) sigh
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people's doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) FELL OVER AND SMEARED SHIT ON THEIR WALL
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) :(
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there's a facebook group "who pooped on the stairs"

[-Spector-]

I'd change my identity and move to china if I were "idestroy"

[HandOfHeaven]

That's got to be one of the best drunk stories I've heard.

[Lenny]

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

That's based on one of the sketches from Fawlty Towers (John Cleese comedy he wrote and starred in after Monty Python. Hilarious).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MbeT7_ARm8

Listen, don't mention the War! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright.

[kyeruu]

Somebody241> i was playing XBL yesterday
<Somebody241> and i was playing wit my friend
<Somebody241> and im sure hes maried and everything
<Somebody241> And all of a sudden
<Somebody241> His wife comes on the mic and says
<Somebody241> "Can my husband quit the game so we can have sex?"
<Somebody241> and then some lil 9 year old in my team says "Sure just leave the mic on"

<implexor> some of my friends were smoking pot in a car. After some laughing they started to cruise around town. Drove for a while and while going round a roundabout one of them noticed that it would be funny to drive on it backwards. It was funny until the inevitable happened and they've hit another car.
<dsarr> lol
<implexor> w8 there's more. They went silent and just sit frightened in the car. Police came very quickly and started to talk to the driver in the car behind them. Then the policeman came to their drivers door, my friend opens the window, and the policeman goes "don't worry guys, the bloke in the other car is so drunk, that he's telling stories you were driving backwards"

.Nikari> $h1t
<Ferrari> |=uc|<
<Ferrari> |317C|-|
<Nikari> |= |_| < |<
<Ferrari> haha
<Ferrari> |3][¯|¯c|-|
<Nikari> |> /- // ||
<DragonPhoeniX> ( () ( |< 5 |_| ( |< ][ || (¬ |) () |_| ( |-| |= |3 / (¬
<Ferrari> ...
<Nikari> D=
<Nikari> I think we've been owned
<Ferrari> retardedly owned

Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the fucking ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever fucking seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile ([email protected]) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/
reminds me of.....well...

LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

last one promise.

Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer

[Lenny]

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile ([email protected]) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

Already posted.

---

Heh heh. Cocksucking doucebag. :p Retardedly owned.

[klo]

<implexor> some of my friends were smoking pot in a car. After some laughing they started to cruise around town. Drove for a while and while going round a roundabout one of them noticed that it would be funny to drive on it backwards. It was funny until the inevitable happened and they've hit another car.
<dsarr> lol
<implexor> w8 there's more. They went silent and just sit frightened in the car. Police came very quickly and started to talk to the driver in the car behind them. Then the policeman came to their drivers door, my friend opens the window, and the policeman goes "don't worry guys, the bloke in the other car is so drunk, that he's telling stories you were driving backwards"

haha, lucky ass motherfuckers

[Lenny]

Amazing what you rediscover when thread digging. :)

Oh, and wtf is: "Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite."?!

---

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.


<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?


<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad


*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'


<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.


Remember where I'm up to, folks - I've found some other good ones which I'll leave for now.

[!King_Amazon!]

Those last two were pretty damn LOLworthy.

[Lenny]

#761414 +(6452)- [X]
SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bullshit.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man, there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "fuck that, gimme third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never thought possible

http://www.bash.org/?761414

[Tyrannicide]

Lenny, that one is def epic!

[-Spector-]

lawl.

thefinalcutter83: According to CNN.com: "Iranian missile may be able to hit U.S. by 2015."
SpaceInvader455: That's one slow fuckin missile.


<Mike> So I have a Skype forwarding enabled for my cellphone, so any phone call made to me on Skype forwards to my cellphone. It's a couple bucks a month, so why not.
<Mike> Anyways, I am studying with my friend beside me and I see Skype on my computer start ringing. I didn't want to answer with my computer so I picked up my cellphone and told my friend "One second, taking a phone call" without thinking about it.
<Mike> My phone rings 1 second later, I answer it, walk out of the room.
<Mike> Didn't realize how much of a psychic hero I looked like to my friend until I left the room. Looked at my friend through the window who is sitting like O_O

<Velkyr> Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"
<Velkyr> But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

[D3V]

great bump. lolz.