The Fifth Book of Lenny

[Lenny]

Great paradox. There are only four books of Lenny. Yet there is now a fifth.

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Here are all four in Order (in the middle you will find the Book of Thomas. This is relevant to the Third book of Lenny):

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The First Book of Lenny...

And God said: "Blessed be the Big-Noses."
And the people laughed.
And God looked down at Lenny and said: "Well he has got a big nose."
And the people laughed.
And the 27th disciple, George, said: "Like an Alligator."
And God said: "I know a joke about Alligators."
And the [58] disciples said: "Tell us."
And God said: "A man walked into a bar and asked the waiter: 'Do you do Alligator sandwiches?' And the waiter said: 'Yes.' And the man replied: 'OK then, get me an alligator sandwich, and make it quick.'."
And so the first joke of the age was given to the faithful.

The Second Book of Lenny...

And Lenny said unto the crowd: "And God came to me in a dream and he [told] to me the second joke of the age. Thus I repeat: A man walked into a bar and said: 'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL??? WHICH LITTLE PRICK PUT THIS HERE???'."
And the people laughed.
And the blessed Big-Noses were made martyrs.
And so came the second joke of the age.

The Book of Thomas.....

And Thomas said unto the people: "I am God."
And the people worshipped him and made him God and built him temples and bought him cake.

The Third Book of Lenny.....

And God came unto Lenny in a dream and [gave] unto him directions for the third joke of the age.
And so Lenny travelled to the Temple of Thomas, but the cake proved too much for him, so instead he went to the Lesser Temple of Tom where [he] found the third joke.
And so he addressed the crowd: "A Bog-Nose, a fishmonger and a slightly stupid Irish person were sitting on a bridge eating lunch. The Big-Nose opened his lunchbox, found camel-hair sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The fishmonger opened his lunchbox, found camel-meat sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' And the slightly stupid Irish person opened his lunchbox, found camel-turd sandwiches and said in a slightly corny imitation of an Irish persons voice: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The next day, all three men had the same butties again, and thus threw themselves off the bridge. At their funeral, a joint affair, the Big-Nose's wife said: 'I don't understand it, camel-hair was his favourite.' And the fishmonger's wife said: 'I don't understand it, camel-meat was his favourite.' And the Slightly Stupid Irish person's wife said: 'I don't understand it, he made his own sandwiches.'
And the people laughed.
And one said: "What is an Irish person?"
And Lenny replied: "I'll be buggered."
And the people laughed.
And so was found the third joke of the age.

The Fourth Book of Lenny..........

And God came Lenny in a fourth dream and revealed the fourth joke of the age.
And Lenny was heard to mutter: "Ha ha, Dom the Worm."
And Lenny laughed himself to death.
And so ended the Legacy of the Big-Nose.
And thus the fourth joke of the age was never again spoken by mortal lips.
And the people had to make do with 'Danny the Ginger' instead.
And thus ended the Religious Age of the Jokes.

----------

And now, the paradox:

[u]The Fifth Book of Lenny..........

And Lenny arrived at the gates of heaven.
And St. Peter told him the demons of heaven had gone down to Earth to look for him.
And Lenny said: "Demons in heaven. Ha. A paradox in a paradox."
And St. Peter did not understand.
And St. Peter asked Lenny what he meant.
And Lenny said: "Ignore me, I'm rambling."
And St. Peter shrugged.
And St. Peter recieved a message by L-mail.
And Lenny said: "I never knew they had Lightning mail here."
And St. Peter said: "New Fixture. Keeps on getting interference form storms below though."
And St. Peter read the message.
And Lenny read the message over his shoulder.
And Lenny went white.
And St. Peter grinned.
And St. Peter pushed a button and Lenny returned to Earth.
And Lenny was in his bed.
And the demons of heaven were standing around it.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons laughed.
And thus Lenny was reincarnated.
And the demons of heaven tortured Lenny for insulting the new God Danny.
And they stuck burning pins into all of his hair holes.
And they broke all of his bones with a teddy bear.
And Lenny was in intense pain.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons grinned and tortured him some more.
And Danny looked down from heaven and said: "This pleases Danny."
And the demons grinned.
And they tortured Lenny.
And they ripped out his tongue with a fork.
And they invited his neighbours over for a party.
And the neighbours trashed his house.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons persuaded Lenny's girlfriend to sleep with his brother.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons tortured Lenny some more.
And they ripped open his stomach.
And they burnt his internal organs.
And they filled his insides with minus pH acids.
And they stitched him back up again.
And Lenny died once more.
And thus ended the torture of Lenny.

----------

You guys in here seem to lead weird and wonderful lives. I think that you should write your own Books of..............

[Sovereign]

Sell to akara plz.

[Lenny]

akara? Wah?

[MightyJoe]

lol, I dont even think that Akara wants this shit.

[Lenny]

who's akara? or what's akara?

[Sovereign]

Akara is a three headed demon.

[Lenny]

Right. And how would i sell it?

[Sovereign]

You click on her, select the trade option, and drag and click. She should give you some good gold.

[Lenny]

And what is this on? Am I right in guessing Diablo?

[MightyJoe]

Yeah, but your book is shit. I don't even think you could get 1 gold.

[Lenny]

Books. As in the plural. As for the last comment, that's the whole point. I would explain all the underlying psychology, but for me (in England) it's too late in the evening.

[Grav]

a whole bunch of fifth grade shit

Bad one.


Sell to akara plz.

Half a good one, because it's D2.. D2 doesn't get good ones.

[Lenny]

Grav. Grav grav grav. Where did I say a whole bunch of fifth grade shit? I can't find me saying that. Knowing you, you made it up, just like:


I'm gay. Give me dick.

[Grav]

a worse one because I obviously didn't realize Grav was paraphrasing my steaming pile
http://NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo.gif

[Lenny]

Hello. My name is GravitonSurge. I am probably known to a lot of you as a dickwad. I would also like to point this out: I have a very positive outlook about my homosexuality. And one more thing: If any of you want a p.a.l then I'm your man. Or if you want someone to satisfy your everyday needs, without getting your hands sticky, then I'm your man. Just e-mail me on: [email protected] with your offers.

Thankyou.

FUCK YOU GRAV!

[Grav]

Oooh, the worst one!

[Lenny]

Oh NO!!!!

I'm sorry I had to spring that on you Grav, but, you know. These people have a right to learn the truth.

[Grav]

Haha! You put something about me in your sig. I Win.

[Lenny]

Why???????

[domolordy]

Grav, leave Lenny alone, he is a lonely, tormented little boy with a big nose. Lay off him. Only really sad people pick on Lenny and his amzingly stupid humour.

[Lenny]

I thought you were on my side you little worm. You little git.

[domolordy]

i am, just, you are lonely, tormented and have a big nose. and your jokes are so bad they are good

[Lenny]

See, finally someone who kinda understands the whole underlying reason of all my crap! HA HA!

[D3V]

This is the begenning of the end.....

of zelaron.

[Lenny]

Oh shit! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!! NOOO!!!!!!!

[Randuin]

Holy crap, bible, amen.

[zagggon]

This is the begenning of the end.....

of zelaron.
What do you mean begining of the end? Zelaron has been on a direct rondevu with hell for a long time now...

[Randuin]

Uh oh! VOLCABULARY!

[Sovereign]

Well then I guess we'll have to go get the soul cube and fight our way back out! [/end retarded game humor (less?))]

[Randuin]

Teh stupid.

[Sovereign]

Agreed :( :cry:

[Randuin]

Wow teh stupid is 10 chars ^^

teh stupid

[Lenny]

So is the stupid. He he. Right, well...so...when will the end be upon us D3V? Before or after the Sixth Book of Lenny hits the forums???

[platnum]

How can you have a "minus pH acid"? dumbass.

[Randuin]

Why are we talking about D3V? It gives the attention he seeks.

[Lenny]

It's a book, of course its possible to get a minus pH. I also think it's possible in real life, my be just a technicallity though. Anyway, look at this, this si seriously wrong and scary, I found whilst trying to find how it is poss. to get -pH acids:

http://www.scienceforums.net/forums/index.php

[Medieval Bob]

I'm not an expert, nor do I give half a damn about chemistry, (or biology for that matter) but the pH scale stops at 0.

It's measured on the concentration of hydrogen ions in relation to distilled water. If something were to have a -1 rating, it would have to have 100,000,000 times the concentration of distilled water.

To round my statement out, I'm guessing that there is more than one part hydrogen ion per hundred million parts of distilled water. Thus, the substance that has a pH of -1 would have to be composed of MORE than 100% hydrogen ions.

[Lenny]

'S a technicallity then, unless I can find otherwise.

What do oyu think about Physics?

Or that Science Forum? Now that's just plain wrong.

[Medieval Bob]

Why is a science forum wrong?

We've attempted a couple of scientific debates here... One that I can think of was a self-proclaimed black hole expert mentioned time dilation, and I so kindly ripped his statement into tiny pieces and pissed on them. He never posted here again.

I think with some activity, input, and intelligence, it would be great.


(By the way, a physical impossibility does not count as a technicality.)

[Lenny]

Yeah, but a whole site dedicated to Science discussions? That's why we've got schools. And I'm perfectly sure it is in someway possible to get a -pH acid, even if it means lots of calculations which give the answer as a minus for something like 0pH. I'm sure I'm right but, oh well.

Right, ideas for the sixth book are needed. Leave me alone for a bit.

[Medieval Bob]

What I said up above *points* was that a solution would have to have more than 100,000,000 times the concentration of... Fuck it; I'll say this in easy terms.

Say this shit I'm talking about (hydrogen ions) are red pixels.

Water is a white circle with some red pixels in it.

Something with a pH less than 7 has MORE red pixels than that water circle has.

Now, to have a -1 pH, you'd have to have 100,000,000 time more pixels than that white circle. If the circle is... say... .00001% red pixels (BECAUSE THAT IS THE ACTUAL PERCENTAGE OF HYDROGEN IONS IN PURE WATER), then your substance with a negative pH would have to be 1000% red pixels which is a physical impossibility.

This circle: http://www.newbalance.co.za/FitSite/NBGirls/Images/Red-Circle.gif
cannot have more red pixels in it than it already does. It's 100% red pixels. It's already composed of ALL red pixels.

[Lenny]

Apart from the white pixels round the edge???

I still say it's a technicallity thingy. ANyway, any ideas for book 6 Mr. Bob?

The reincarnated Lenny gets a lesson in Chemistry and manages to create a perfect textbook -pH acid, which results in it dissolving its beaker and causing unknown havoc as it eats through the world down to Australia, and kills a bunch of Aussies?

Yes? No?

[Medieval Bob]

I fail to see how you think you can put more red pixels in that red circle. It's completely red. It simply cannot be done. That circle is a representation of a 0 pH. There is nothing with more red in it than that. It's physically in-fucking-possible.

The reincarnated Lenny gets a lesson in Chemistry and never creates a -pH acid. This is partially due to the fact that it is impossible. Instead, he steps on a rather large thumb tack and falls down a short flight of stairs attempting to pull it out. His fall is broken by a small orphan girl, though, and Lenny is unharmed (aside from the rather large thumb tack that is still lodged in his foot). And so it was that which was the 6th book o' Lenny.

[Penguin]

Chris wins!
Trophy for you!

[Sovereign]

Yay for wasting so much time on a single thread in the chat forum.

[Lenny]

I like that. You wanna help write it? Or shall I?

[Lenny]

Now to waste more time. And on with Mr. Bob's idea:

The Sixth Book of Lenny...........

And the Reincarnated Lenny was told that minus pH was impossible.
And Lenny argued with Mr. Bob.
And Mr. Bob gave Lenny a Chemistry lesson.
And Lenny laughed.
And Mr. Bob said: "OK then smart arse. Make a -pH acid."
And Lenny said: "OK, I will."
And Lenny walked up the stairs tp the Chemistry lab.
And in the Lab, Lenny failed to make a -pH acid.
And Mr. Bob laughed.
And Lenny ran out in a huff.
And Lenny stood on a rather large thumbtack.
And the thumbtack stuck in his foot
And Leny hopped around, trying to get it out.
And he hopped towards the stairs.
And Lenny fell down the stairs.
And he fell down a floor.
And then another.
And a third.
And he fell on a poor orphan girl.
And the poor orphan girl broke his fall.
And Lenny was unharmed but from a rather large thumbtack still in his foot.
And so it was that which was the Sicth Book of Lenny.

(ideas by: Mr. Bob. All books of Lenny copyrigted (C) now and forever more. 10% of all proceeds from Book Sixth go towards Mr. Bob's new cot. Another 1% goes to the orphan girl. The rest goes to the Vatican for some strange reason. None of it goes to Lenny, and so he creates more rubbish to torture the innocent until he is given something for his work).

[wilma]

And then the little orphan girl stood up
And there was much rejoicing
And the little orphan girl said "You asshole you fell on me"
And the little orphan girl proceeded to smack lenny in the face
And there was much rejoicing
And then Lenny died a horrible death and no one went to his funeral
And then Lenny was sent to hell
And he will spend all eternity there for his stupidity









































And there was much rejoicing

[Randuin]

Why do you refer to yourself in the third person?

[Lenny]

It would be kind of starnge if it was all:

And I was given a Chemistry lesson.
And I stood on a thumb tack

etc. sounds like a diary.

Whereas this is just a load of..........manure. Not good enough to be crap. Not bad enough to be good.

And don't change the word order, it's correct.

[Lenny]

Wilma, how much for Book Seven?

[Sovereign]

Three bars of plantum.

[Lenny]

Right.

Oh Plantum. Come to Lenny. I got chocolate for you! He he he he.

[Lenny]

So, recap.

Books 1 - 4 had their own thread: The Four Books of Lenny..........

Books 5,6 and 7 have been made up in the Fifth Book of Lenny.......... thread.

I think we need a Book 8.

----------

Drum roll please...............

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And now, Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you....THE EIGTH BOOK OF LENNY!!!!

['audience do this card']APPLAUSE AND CHEERING[/'audience do this' card]

----------

The Eigth Book of Lenny..........
And so Lenny was left in hell.
And his personal demons tortured him.
And they made him drink -pH acids.
And Mr. Bob appeared and told the demons off for using a physical impossibilty.
And the demons shrugged and tortured Mr. Bob instead.
And Lenny escaped.
And there were many groans.
And Mr. Bob escaped. And there was much rejoicing.
And Platnum appeared, tempted by the chocolate.
And Lenny made him into three bars.
And Lenny gave Wilma the three bars of Platnum.
And so Lenny bought the rights to the Seventh Book of Lenny..........
And he threw a house party.
And he was thrown in the pool.
And he got wet.
And there was much rejoicing.

[zagggon]

God stop fucking bringing this back from the dead.

[Lenny]

Sorry. I could make a new thread for each book, but that just wastes space. Here, they're all in one thread.

[Lenny]

God stop fucking bringing this back from the dead.

And so the resurrection continues. It seems fitting to resurrect with replying to above post.

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The Ninth Book of Lenny..........

And so Lenny crawled out of the pond.
And the people laughed at him all wet.
And Lenny became angry and threw the laughers in the pond.
And the people laughed at the laughers.
And Lenny said: "This pleases Lenny."
And Lenny went inside his house and had a shower.
And the water was too hot and burnt Lenny.
And he recieved medical attention.
And he was cured.
And he went home.
And the phone rang.
And so Lenny picked up the phone and answered: "Yo dude, you have reached the marijuana hotline. Sorry but we are not in at the moment. Press the # key and we will send you a free sample. Dude."
And he put the phone down.
And it rang again.
And he answered.
And a voice said: "STOP RESURRECTING THESE GOD-DAMNED BOOKS!"
And Lenny looked at the reciever.
And he said to it: "I am a personal friend of God, and do not think he would like you saying that."
And the reciever shouted back: "LIKE HELL. NOW STOP IT OR I'LL ZAGGGONISE YOU!"
And the reciever went dead.
And Lenny shrugged.
And Lenny sent zagggon a basket of highly poisonous Mantra plushie dolls.
And so zagggon became so excited he became dead.
And Lenny attended his funeral and made a fool of zagggon.
And GravitonSurge appeared and made a fool of Lenny.
And the people laughed.
And Lenny ran off.
And there was much rejoicing.

[MightyJoe]

Instead of just refreshing this thread, just edit your post. That way only people that want to read this shit have to see it. Or kill yourself, either way everybody wins.

[Lenny]

Right. So you wanna read this thread? That why you answer it?

[Thanatos]

Right. So you wanna read this thread? That why you answer it?

You fucking douchebag, nobody wants to read your inane bullshit "stories". Shut the fuck up.

[Lenny]

Yet the thread is still open. It has been hijacked, spammed to hell and back, and filled with my incessant shit, yet it still lives. And it has had 300 and more views, with this being the 60th reply. Once someone closes, I will confine it all to the WRT, or resurrect my "The Cr*p that is Lenny" thread.

It won't die off until a mod. puts a stop to it. I doubt spam will stop it, because it all fits in with the books, before contributing to a book.

I for one would like to see the thread progress, and argue a bit with the replies before writing another book, and repeating the process.

One thing I'm surprised about, is that Mantra. hasn't made a big appearance yet. He has made one, but not the best. I'm just waiting for "Floor Tile" to pop up somewhere. And then Book 10 will be on its way.

----------

My bad, Mantra hasn't made any appearance in this thread. I seem to remember putting him in a book, though I doubt I did.

[Mantralord]

Yet the thread is still open. It has been hijacked, spammed to hell and back, and filled with my incessant shit, yet it still lives. And it has had 300 and more views, with this being the 60th reply. Once someone closes, I will confine it all to the WRT, or resurrect my "The Cr*p that is Lenny" thread.

It won't die off until a mod. puts a stop to it. I doubt spam will stop it, because it all fits in with the books, before contributing to a book.

I for one would like to see the thread progress, and argue a bit with the replies before writing another book, and repeating the process.

One thing I'm surprised about, is that Mantra. hasn't made a big appearance yet. He has made one, but not the best. I'm just waiting for "Floor Tile" to pop up somewhere. And then Book 10 will be on its way.

----------

My bad, Mantra hasn't made any appearance in this thread. I seem to remember putting him in a book, though I doubt I did.

Floor Tile. Are you happy?

[Bad x Ass]

Can i r lickz teh cream of ur cone of iCe

[Thanatos]

You do realize that mantra is gay and he is probably wanking to what you just said? Fag.

[MightyJoe]

Yet the thread is still open. It has been hijacked, spammed to hell and back


Everything you post is fucking spam. Kinda like what I am doing right now, its useless just like you. Stop posting now!

[Lenny]

Yes. I am.

FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!FLOOR TILE!

[Lenny]

I'm gonna stand by what I said. Mantra has made an appearance. And said Floor Tile. So, here comes the probably last BOOK OF LENNY.......... in this thread. After this, the thread can crash and burn as far as I'm concerned. I woldn't bat an eyelid if it was deleted from Zelaron forever. The books will be confined to the WRT, and maybe the RPG2K3 forum, being made into a game.

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The Tenth Book of Lenny..........

And Lenny ran until he was away from the funeral.
And so he ran some more.
And he came upon a horse and cart track.
And the horses and carts trotted by.
And some amusing music could be heard playing in time to the trotting of hooves.
And Lenny stepped cautiously into the track, lest he should be run over.
And Lenny muttered to himself: "10 mph. Too damn fast I told them, but would they listen? No? They'll be sorry when they are covered in swelling limbs and rather colourful bruises in the shape of future American President's heads."
And Lenny stood in front of a cart.
And the horse was going too fast (7 mph), and could not stop in time.
And Lenny hijacked it.
And he trotted off.
And the driver caught up with him and punched him.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so Lenny walked to the next town.
And he bought a new house with no floor.
And so he went to the floor tile shop.
And bought some floor tiles.
they had holes in them.
And so Lenny returned to the shop.
And he asked to see the manager.
And manager Mantralord came and spoke with Lenny.
And he took him into the back room.
And there was much screaming.
And the people laughed.
And Lenny came out.
And he was pleased.
And so he went home.
And he fell through his non-existent floor.
And so he died once more.
And so he went to hell once more.
And so he was tortured for [B]ALL eternity.
And he wasn't heard from again.
And the people rejoiced one last time.
And zagggon was happy.
And so were the members of Zelaron.
And so ends the Ten Books of Lenny..........

[Mantralord]

I'm gonna stand by what I said. Mantra has made an appearance. And said Floor Tile. So, here comes the probably last BOOK OF LENNY.......... in this thread. After this, the thread can crash and burn as far as I'm concerned. I woldn't bat an eyelid if it was deleted from Zelaron forever. The books will be confined to the WRT, and maybe the RPG2K3 forum, being made into a game.

----------

The Tenth Book of Lenny..........

And Lenny ran until he was away from the funeral.
And so he ran some more.
And he came upon a horse and cart track.
And the horses and carts trotted by.
And some amusing music could be heard playing in time to the trotting of hooves.
And Lenny stepped cautiously into the track, lest he should be run over.
And Lenny muttered to himself: "10 mph. Too damn fast I told them, but would they listen? No? They'll be sorry when they are covered in swelling limbs and rather colourful bruises in the shape of future American President's heads."
And Lenny stood in front of a cart.
And the horse was going too fast (7 mph), and could not stop in time.
And Lenny hijacked it.
And he trotted off.
And the driver caught up with him and punched him.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so Lenny walked to the next town.
And he bought a new house with no floor.
And so he went to the floor tile shop.
And bought some floor tiles.
they had holes in them.
And so Lenny returned to the shop.
And he asked to see the manager.
And manager Mantralord came and spoke with Lenny.
And he took him into the back room.
And there was much screaming.
And the people laughed.
And Lenny came out.
And he was pleased.
And so he went home.
And he fell through his non-existent floor.
And so he died once more.
And so he went to hell once more.
And so he was tortured for [B]ALL eternity.
And he wasn't heard from again.
And the people rejoiced one last time.
And zagggon was happy.
And so were the members of Zelaron.
And so ends the Ten Books of Lenny..........

I don't know what's going on but I think you just lowered the ENTIRE WORLD'S IQ by about 92324035482309235789234792309643083 points. :confused: :confused:

[Thanatos]

I have never wanted to use Zelaron's "ignore" feature. I do now. Fuck you Lenny.

[Lenny]

I've finished these things. Fuck the thread up as much as you want. I don't give a damn 'bout it no more.