Fidelity

How do you feel about the concept of relationship exclusivity (or polyamory)?

Nothing more special than two people finding an attraction so deep it feels like the other person if completing you. For the most part though, thats generally not the case and people stay together to long. People don't understand themselves completely enough to really understand what a perfect mate would be like for them.

To quote a genius: "It all boils down to there currently being no understanding of what exactly induces "love" (although certain patterns of chemicals can be spotted as a consequence of it; not necessarily the cause), and so, it remains a subjective experience due to lack of understanding of the phenomenon, and therefore, stating that it "cannot happen" based on incomplete premises is faulty logic."

Hayduke - if you believe a 'perfect mate' exists, how does one know if they have been found, and how do you understand yourself 'completely enough'?

Whats the point Grav? This thread isn't really your style...

To make a long story short: Due to the hectic nature of this age bracket [school, uncertain futures] and a somewhat cynical attitude towards love, I have been enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle; I don't offer exclusive relationships. My lovers know this. But there is one woman that has pierced my heart... she is my closest emotional companion, to those around us it is obvious we are in love. Our relationship began with the understanding that it would not be exclusive, but I have been told recently that I may be doing her an injustice and risk hurting her. I wonder what the general consensus of Zelaron is, given that we are all a little older and a little wiser.

First, why the cynicism? Have you been hurt previously by love?

If your truly in love w/ this woman do you not desire to spend most of your time with her? To spend most of your energy around making her happy, to see a smile that will warm your heat.
Yes, you may risk hurting her, but then again, even if you were monogamous you still may hurt each other. The world is full of uncertainties and you shouldn't really spend time worrying about them, just do what YOU feel is right, and being the intelligent logical and good person (presumably) you are, it will be the right decision whether people are hurt or not. As long as your intentions are good I believe things happen for the best in the long run.
Remember though that men and women are very different. Understanding women to the best of your ability could never ever be a bad thing. The more you know, or think you know even, the better off you are. Knowledge is power, in ever aspect, without a doubt.

Understanding yourself... I'm not really sure. I can only speak from personal experience, you know? The way I see it is, if your perceptive, smart, and have a desire for knowledge you will at a point question life, your impact on it, spirituality, the past and present, many things that have relation to existence. Once you question these things and find out where you stand, through research and personal exploration, you should have some sort of bearing on where you want to head in life and what you want to stand for. This won't be easy, and it may take a long time, but you will become the best person you can for it. You can pursue business ventures, love, excitement, adventures, anything you wish with the right know how and desire.

The cynicism... well, it can be difficult to give merit to love, to see it as something more significant than hormonal induced temporary madness. And... yes, it has been problematic before. Both receiving and causing heartbreak. I don't enjoy hurting people, and I tend to be very flaky and nomadic, so not offering exclusivity was a way to advance through life and find interesting people without hurting them by making promises in the present that I no longer wish to keep in the future. My tendency to change as time progresses leaves me doubting my own sense of sincerity. At least if I know I am an asshole, I can avoid exposing people to it.

One problem is this is a long distance love. She is far away and I can only see her infrequently, maybe every 2-3 months. It would be nice to be in the same city as her down the line, but this is still years off. Despite this, she is mad for me, and I do not want to damage her if I can avoid it. I also do not wish to relinquish my freedoms... so I am caught in a gray area. The entire relationship has caught me off guard -- I had no idea I could fall so hard for a person. It is a tricky thing.

I once met a girl on a flight back from Hawaii, we saw each other in the Hilo airport, I was reading a book till I noticed her. After that my book just didn't seem interesting anymore. After 6-7 minutes of my gawking she finally asked how my book was. I told her it was good but paled in comparison to her. Ultimately I got someone in the flight to switch seats so she could sit next to me. We had deep soulful conversation, many things in common. Artistic interests, musical, economic and spiritual. She even told me she didn't believe in marriage, at which point it occurred to me. "I could marry a woman like this!" After the flight we spent a few hours in the airport waiting for connecting flights. I never ended up asking her for any contact information... figuring we we're states away. It never would matter anyways right? Now... knowing how the universe tends to bring things together (with your initiative) that are meant to be together I wish I had at least gotten an email.

I guess I'm saying love knows no distance and at some point in time if you two are suppose to end up together even for a short time you will. My best advice would be to be honest with her. Tell her these exact concerns of yours, tell her you don't want to hurt her, you feel deeply for her and believe she feels the same way. But... ect ect ect...
Is she asking you to relinquish your freedoms? Or has this all come to light simply because someone suggested you may hurt her in the future?

I don't enjoy hurting people, and I tend to be very flaky and nomadic, so not offering exclusivity was a way to advance through life and find interesting people without hurting them by making promises in the present that I no longer wish to keep in the future. My tendency to change as time progresses leaves me doubting my own sense of sincerity.

The first sentence is completely correct, You shouldn't enjoy hurting people. I also enjoy time away from people (most of them are just terrible) and society. People nowadays are constantly bombarded with useless information and don't think enough to themselves anyways. Nothing wrong w/ not making promises, to many people make false ones. It's inaugurated into our society. Politics anyone?
Second sentence. Keep changing, but find out what you can be sincere about, and base your life around that. Or perhaps, the change is only required until you find out what you can be sincere about... I'm not sure yet.

This girl also doesn't believe in marriage (and I don't either), and I too had the exact thought "this is the kind of woman I would marry!" Funny how that works.

I like your stance, although much of it just reaffirms what I already think so I am biased. She is just a wonderful creature and I will hold on to her for as long as possible, despite the distance. She has never asked me directly to do anything, she is a timid and shy and avoids confrontation. However, relinquishing freedom was at someone else's suggestion, yes. Another girl, a rather promiscuous one at that, but she said she would have given up all her various partners for one true love. It got me thinking... and that led to this post!

Just to clarify, I am not at all opposed to polyamory. In fact I think all individuals should live this style for at least some time. I think "true love" comes with experience just like anything else.

I'm lovesick for this woman. I find my day to day life lackluster in contrast to being with her. The people around me just don't compare. How can I pick myself up out of this hole?

To make a long story short: Due to the hectic nature of this age bracket [school, uncertain futures] and a somewhat cynical attitude towards love, I have been enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle;

To be clear, he's talking about his left and right hands

Sorry grav, it was just too tempting

This is acceptable, you are a man of action after all