Jokes Thread!

Sex Education

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.



Lover's Lane

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


Stupid

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

I'm not sure whether it's worth digging up my post with all my Jew/Nigger/Woman jokes. But if you want me to, that's about a 15 minutes of pure laughter, guaranteed.

Oh please do it, I love laughing.

What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
Niggers.

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.

Why do niggers cry during sex?
The Mace.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?
Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic?
Someone too lazy to steal.

Why don't niggers take aspirin?
They refuse to pick the cotton out.

What do nigger kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.

What's a niggers idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."

Why do spics drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

Why don't nigger kids play in the sandbox?
Cats keep covering them up.

What do you call an apartment full of niggers?
A COON-dominium.

Why are there no nigger astronauts?
Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.

How do you babysit a niglet?
Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

How do you get him down?
Teach him to say "Motherfucker."

How else do you babysit a niglet?
Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump.

How do you get him down?
Invite the spics over, blindfold them and tell them it's a piñata party.

What is a nigger on a bike?
Thief.


What's long and black and smells like shit?
The welfare line.

What do you call 50 niggers at the bottom of the ocean?
Good start.

What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?
first grade.

How was break dancing invented?
Niggers trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.

Why do niggers keep chickens in their back yards?
To teach their kids how to walk.

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
You ever try to take a rib from a nigger?

What is a nigger?
Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"

Why are chimps always frowning?
They know in a million years they are going to turn into niggers.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?
Who cares.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?
The spic, because the nigger had to stop on the way down and spray paint "motherfucker" on the wall.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head?
A quarter-pounder.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.

How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia?
Roll a doughnut down the street.

How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him real thin.

What's the difference between a nigger and a bag of shit?
The bag.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

When does a Black man turn into a nigger?
As soon as he leaves the room.

What do you call a nigger with a Harvard education?
Nigger.

What do you call a nigger in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.

There is a nigger and a spic in a car, who's driving?
The cop.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

How long does it take a nigger bitch to take a shit?
9 months.

Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes?
California got first pick.

Why are niggers like sperm?
Only one in a million actually work.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
Niger nigger nigger.

Why do police dogs lick their ass?
To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth.

What can a pizza do that a nigger can't?
Feed a family of four.

Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet?
I.D.

What is red green yellow orange purple and pink?
A nigger dressed for church.

Why do niggers have flat noses?
That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails.

Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"

Did you hear about the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

What is black, white, and rolls off the end of the pier?
A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a gorilla?
A dumb gorilla.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Did you hear about the new Chap Stick for niggers?
It comes in a spray can.

What's the difference between niggers and pit-bulls?
It's still legal to own a pit-bull.

What do you say to a black man in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."

Why do niggers walk the way they do?
Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger.

What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
They dont fucking listen


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.


How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.


Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.


What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?
Slap her.


Why did the woman cross the road?
The question really is "What the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?


How do you give a woman a really great orgasm?
Who cares?


What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.


Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
She was a woman


Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.


Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
They're both looking for dead beaver.


What's green, covered in crumbs, and lies on the side of the road?
A dead Girl Scout


What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting her out of the wheelchair!


What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

fucken harsh man!

What do you do if you see a black man bleeding on your lawn?

Try to stop laughing and reload.

Whats the difference between the adbominable{sp} snow man and a working nigger?

The adbominable{sp} snow man been seen.
---
What do you do when your woman bitches?

Take her out to the backyard and shoot her.
----
What do you do when a woman is staggering in your backyard?

Shoot her again.
----
Why dont you shoot a nigger?

Its a waste of ammunition.

This coming from someone 1/8th black...
Fuckin racist.

lol, drop that because it was a joke.

Plus im not the only one that put jokes like that, i may say stuff but IRL i am not racists at all.

Ok, but you're still a wigger.

Some of those were funny, but I've heard most of those before. Now it's time to bash on the white people!! (no offense meant ofcourse. All in good humor.)

What's white and more than eight inches long?
Absolutely nothing!

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.

What's the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.

How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.

What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl's ass! (EXCEPT THE GIRLS IN MY SIG!)

What does a white woman make for dinner?
Reservations

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can't screw

How do you circumsize a white guy?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

I'll post some jokes of other races later, just hadn't heard too many on white people yet.