Jess's return to the Literature Forum.

Rejoice!

Yes. It's been a while since I last posted in this forum. It thrills me to be posting once more! However, instead of poetry I'll be posting a story that I've been re-writing. No title as of yet. Also, the story is in its begining phases yet. It'll be updated slowly. Maybe...depending on my mood.

---

She stood in the center of a large open valley. A young girl, no older than sixteen. At first appearance there was nothing special about her. Her hair was a dull dark brown, the ends slightly frayed; her skin was light, as though she had yet to see the sun after a long, dark winter; and she was of average height. Nothing significant. Just an ordinary girl if one were to only glance.

However, she did have one unique feature if anyone bothered to look again. Though hidden by tinted glasses, one eyes was as clear a blue as a cloudless sky, and the other was as unnerving to some as freshly milked blood. Her face currently held the expression of absolute terror. She looked like she wanted to scream, to run and hide. As her unusual eyes darted wildly around her, the only desire she had at that moment was to be anywhere but in that valley, and she had good reason.

The sky ahead of her was dark, casting a depressing shadow over the entire land. The sun was setting in the distance, its red rays seeming to grasp for something, anything. Not the red of a peaceful sunset however, but the sort of red that would normally be present after a horrific event. She imagined that the wind once brought the sweet smell of the earth to this valley, but now the wind brought the smell of long shed blood and rotting flesh to her nose instead. The grass around her was no longer green, nor even grew on this not-so-barren land. The only things this land kept now were mangled corpses. Beheaded, delimbed, and remorselessly slaughtered.

The smell of death coupled with the sight before her started to take its effect as she felt a sudden rush of sickness wash over her. Her hands raised to clutch her stomach in a futile attempt to keep its contents down, if any. She wanted desperately to run from this place, but her legs seemed to be planted into the soft, blood saturated soil.

What little light there was began to dim quickly, causing her too look up out of curiosity. It was much quicker than it normally would during a sunset. Where the sun was previously setting a black cloud had appeared. The cloud was enormous, taking up nearly the whole horizon, and was moving rapidly over the large hills in the distance towards her. However, she found herself unafraid of this, since it wouldn't actually be upon her for quite a few minutes.

Suddenly a bright flash of light erupted from the center of the black mass, illuminating every body on the dead land. The girls eyes widened in horror as she realized the bodies before and around here weren't even human. Along with the limbs scattered about her were, surprisingly enough, giant wings. She stared down at two of the bodies closest to her. They were both female, and were two of the few who actually had their wings attached to them, though severely mauled. One of the wings she noticed was nearly completely covered in feathers. She figured that they were once the purest of white, but now they were streaked with red and brown. The other pair of wings that caught her eyes had an appearance of worn leather to them.

Just as the light faded away, another flash of light flared from the center of the large cloud. This time however, the girl screamed as an unbelievable pain coursed through her body, causing her to collapse to her knees. The pain faded rather quickly with the light, but was soon replaced as another wave of pain washed over her as yet another flash came from the cloud. The girl didn't know whether to hold her stomach, her chest, or her head as the pain continued to pulse through her body, in sync with the bursts of light from within the ominous mass still racing towards her. It felt as if there was a battle going on within her own body. The girl curled up slightly as her hands clutched at both sides of her head. She felt she couldn't stand enduring this pain any longer.

"Stop..." she managed to say in a choked voice, the word cracking as if she hadn't spoken in ages. Tears streamed down her face as the pain seemed to pulse through her body more frequently instead, as if to mock her. In frustration she raised her head to glare at the black mass that was now nearly upon her. She shut her eyes tightly and screamed at it. "Stop!"

Almost at once the pain in her body vanished. Stunned, the girls eyes flew open, only to be met with complete darkness. She knew she was no longer in the valley. The distant echoes that her ears occasionally caught of a dripping liquid that she assumed was water, coupled with the fact that she was now kneeling on rock told her that she was now in a cave instead. Once more she closed her eyes as a gentle draft brushed against her face, bringing with it a sweeter scent than that of the valley. She inhaled deeply, feeling as though she was appreciating it for the first time in her life. The clean air allowed her to think a bit more clearly, and as she reopened her eyes again she realized that the cave wasn't void of all light as she had originally thought. From behind her was a soft red glow.

The girl stood up as she shifted her body to look at the source of the mysterious light. As soon as it was visible out of the corner of her eye however, she finished her ascent rather quickly and took a step back in surprise when she was fully facing it. The red light, which was slowly getting brighter, was coming from a crystal in a nook at the end of the cave. It was a large crystal, and it wasn't empty.

A woman was enclosed within the crystal. Her face was contorted, and screaming in agony, her medieval clothing were torn to the point where they barely hung on her frame, and the ample skin that was visible held numerous wounds that still looked as if they were fresh, even though it seemed as if the woman had been trapped within the crystal for centuries. None of these things the girl noticed directly, however.

A pair of large bat-like wings came from the woman's back. They were covered with blood, and badly injured. Scattered holes showed that something had punctured through the thin membrane of wings, and there were large tears in some places. Along the spine of the wings, small blood stained feathers were present, though they were so scattered and patchy that it almost seemed as if they weren't supposed to be there in the first place. For several long moments the girl stood gazing dumbfoundedly at the wings, before turning her eyes on the rest of the creature.

As her eyes finally traveled over the rest of the woman's body, she was overcome with sympathy for her. She could only imagine the kind of pain she went through before this horrible ending. The girl gazed at the various cuts and bruises, wincing herself at some of the more unpleasant injuries. The woman had pale skin, close to that of the girls, but lighter as if never being in the sun at all. Out of curiosity the girls eyes traveled to the woman's teeth, and she smirked inwardly when she saw the sharpened canines though they were barely visible by the sheet of long black hair that covered a majority of her face.

The woman appeared as if she were frozen as she tried to curled into a ball, so the front of the woman was still visible, giving the girl a good look at the clothing that she wore though they looked close to falling off. The most predominant article of clothing the woman wore was a tattered black corset, which pushed her breasts together in such a way that it made them appear much bigger than they most likely were. She also wore a rather plain brown skirt, which barely hung to her hips and was severely shredded at the bottom, not covering much of the woman's legs at all. The woman had no shoes on, but the girl noticed that her ankles were scarred, as if they were bound by a rough rope. Her wrists had the same scarring, and as her eyes traveled up again, she noted that her neck did as well.

The girl wondered who or what could have put the woman into the crystal, and for what reasons. Before she could ponder any further however, something broke her concentration, causing her to jump and look around her wildly.

"It's coming..."

Though the voice was faint, it was obvious that it was the voice of a child. The girl couldn't pinpoint where it came from as her eyes searched for the source. The only other person near her was the woman before her, who was quite obviously unable to speak at the moment. The girl frowned to herself, figuring that she was just imagining things. As her eyes turned to gaze upon the woman once more however, she heard the voice again, this time clearer than before.

"It's coming..." It repeated. The voice was calm, as if stating a fact. Something that perhaps the child had known for a long time, and was accepted. Though the voice was pleasant, the words spoken made the girl uneasy. The girl waited to see if the voice would say something more. Instead however, it just repeated itself, though sounding more persistent. As if it wanted a response.

So the girl responded.

"What's coming?" She asked, listening to her own voice echo in the cave. The reply came quickly, though almost hesitant.

"The Darkness..." The child responded, and then whimpered quietly. "...it scares me..." The girl frowned sympathetically.

"Why does it scare you?" She asked, now curious.

"The Darkness brings bad things...it hurts people. The grownups try to fight it...most don't come back..." The chills voice saddened as it spoke, though it didn't sound near tears. "Mommy didn't come back..."

"Oh...I'm sorry..." The girl didn't know what else to say. She frowned, feeling as if she should be able to do something to console the voice.

"Are you going to stop the Darkness?" The child asked, suddenly excited. The girl opened her mouth to speak, but the voice continued. "No one has been able to stop it...Not for a long time..."

"Err..." The girl took her time to answer the voice. The question made her uncomfortable, and she crossed her arms nervously. "I...don't think I can..."

"Oh..." The child sighed, causing the girl to frown again. She wished that there was something she could do to help the child. She felt helpless. Her eyes once more traveled over the woman trapped within the crystal. Again she wondered why the woman was in there, what she could have done to earn such a horrible fate, or whether she had done anything at all.

"Well...If I could..." She started slowly, taking in the woman's facial features. "I would definitely try..."

A sudden gust of wind picked up around the girl from no where, spiraling like a small tornado. The sensation made the girl slightly faint, but she managed to remain standing. In the distance a voice called out to her, but she couldn't tell if it was the same voice of the child.

"Be warned, the Darkness is close." The wind continued for a few more moments before dying down as suddenly as it appeared, leaving the girl to catch her breath. The calm was short lived however, as she raised her eyes at the sound of something breaking.

She watched as a long jagged crack made its way slowly down from the tip of the crystal. A sudden sharp pain in her left cheek brought her out of her trance, and she realized that the breaking was also forcing small, but dangerous glass shards from the crystal as well. She raised her arms to cover her face, so to prevent any more shards from possibly taking out one of her eyes. She winced again as another embedded itself in her right forearm, and once more in her left thigh.

Soon the sound of the crystal breaking had stopped, and the girl tentatively moved her arms down to see what had happened. Her arms fell limply to her sides as she stared at the sight before her. The crack in the crystal extended all the way to the bottom. It had broken in half. But the girl had not noticed this right away, as it seemed to be less important to what had taken place inside the crystal itself.

The woman was no longer half curled into a ball, nor was her face held in the silent scream of agony. Her body had now straightened, and her face had relaxed, though her eyes remained closed. The girl watched as the woman seemed to flex the wings behind her hesitantly, and frown as she saw the woman's face contort into a wince.

Slowly, the woman's eyes opened. As soon as the eyes locked onto that of the girls, the girl felt herself begin to panic. One of the woman's eyes was as blue as the bluest of skies, and the other was as red as fresh blood.

The woman's lips curled into a mischievous smile, and the girl found herself taking a nervous step backward. She soon realized however, that there was nothing solid to step on to. She was falling backwards before she ever had a chance to regain her balance. She was falling rapidly.

Somewhere above her, she heard the crystal shatter completely.

---

Criticism is encouraged.

Personal criticism: I need to buy a freaking thesaurus. Is it seriously as shit-tastic as I think it is?

Wow. That's good.

What's the story about? I'm guessing that the girls eyes will be tied into it somewhere, maybe picking her out as some kind of species that's very nearly dead? And the battlefield between angels and demons? Hehehe, you could call it "Angels and Demons".

I don't think you need a thesaurus. Some people who get a thesaurus to help with their writing use it almost incessantly. Every other word comes not from them but the thesaurus. You end up with a story that is almost nonsensical.

Is it seriously as shit-tastic as I think it is?

Natural reaction. Everyone usually thinks of their own work as pretty bad. I do the same with everything I've written. You know what they say though, authors are perfectionists. Take any book out there and ask the author what they think of it and they will all say that there are parts they really don't like, parts they think they could improve.

So all in all, it's very good. Can't wait for the rest of it.

awesome piece of work

No. I'm not calling it that. The battlefield is cliche enough as it is. And the story will be moving along slowly, seeing as when I first started writing it back in highschool I stopped after 15 pages because of major writers block. I read it recently hand had a major "Fuck...what was I thinking?" moment, so voila. Also, I hate using words repeatedly. It irks me beyond all reasoning.

Other than that, thanks for the input boys.

no problem madame

it's good! it's good! write more plz

Updated. New text in italics.

...I told you it'd be updated slowly. Only as fast as I write it out in my notebook.

Oooooh, a notebook. I'm cringing.

I've never liked notebooks for writing things out in. Maybe random notes and doodles, or the odd paragraph, but a whole story would hurt.

Is it a special notebook? You know, one of this secret ones with a sparkly cover, or a black leather cover, or red velvet type thing? Those are nice.

You know, I've just had a strange vision of your battlefield. Filled with the bodies of course. But they all look like your avatar.

Anywho...nice little add-on. Write more soon! Please!

Updated again.

Yes, I own several notebooks. Usually to doodle in, or write random poems or random paragraphs. And no, they're nothing special (Though they were on sale...), just plain Subject Notebooks of varying colors. This story was granted the purple notebook. I find it easier to stick to a story when there's only one story per notebook. I don't get distracted and move onto another story. Though...the more I write it the more it changes. I've changed quite a few things in the transfer from the notebook to here.

Also, my avatar is an alien. I drew him a few years ago in one of these said notebooks. His name is Bvrklx, and he looks like a humanized radish with a superman/vampire complex. You'd best respect, y0.

The mental image is rather amusing, however.

You've got to get yourself a special notebook. Special notebooks rock everyone's socks! There's something about them that makes them ...secret. YOu see a sparkly notebook and you instantly think "secrets".

That poor woman in the crystal/rock.

I've never really understood "gawping". Dictionary.com tells me it's staring stupidly. In my mind a girl wouldn't stare stupidly at a woman in mortal pain enclosed in a tomb of rock. She'd probably stare wide-eyed, horror contorting her features as she took in the sickening view of a once majestic creature in the throes of death. Though a better word than sickening would be used. I can't think clearly atm.

But that's just me. I'm one of these people in life who likes things their way.

"His way or no way, totalitarian" - as always, Arctic Monkey's lyrics show us a glimpse of life.

IMHO, gawking fits best. She's just a teenager, and gawking is what people in general do when they come across something they don't know how to react to, as in this case.

...Besides. If I made the beginning too wordy, the readers would be severely disappointed later on in the story. And it's already shaping up to be that way.

i say keep it up no matter what other ppl say!

Fair point. I ought to gawk at bit more myself then.

If you made the beginning too wordy then you could pass it off as more than a beginning. Take some kind of event from the end or whatever, make it into a Prologue, stick in the very wordy ex-beginning, and carry on with what you do best. Sor'ed, innit?

Hint: Dream. Detailed for a reason.

Ah, I'm starting to get a picture now.

Time for a famous Guess a la Lenny. She waks up and the story begins? The scene in her dream is vital for the rest of the story as it is a prophecy of sorts? She ends up waking up in that place as her dream details?

And may I ask, is she a tribe member? Just a little thought...thinking maybe she's part of a Nomadic/tribe.

Nein. Way off. You shall see.

OK.

Wait I shall.

You'll have to divulge some plot details soon. A book is to be read as a whole, not in single paragraphs without knowing what happens.

Yes well...I'm evil.

...and lazy.

At least a lazy person can be lazy on a computer all day.

Better than working your little cotton socks off and not having the time or energy to press a little on button.

Yeah yeah. Updated again.