The Exciting Life of a Postgrad

So I appear to be a year behind on what was turning into a yearly tradition... but hey, it's half eleven, feels likes it's gone two am, I'm bored and feel the need to splurge.

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If you don't already know, I graduated with my degree last July (a disappointing 2:ii in the end - theory of computation, and mathematics in general, is not a strong point of mine) and returned to the same University at the end of September to begin a taught postgraduate Master's in Computer Science.

So far, so good - the content up until now has been re-hashes of undergraduate modules that I've already done (apparently the department don't expect graduates to return to do a taught Master's), which is a good thing, as I'm easily on track for a distinction (average of 70% in my modules and over 70% in my dissertation).

Accommodation is costing me close to £7,500, with fees of £5,000, and with no loans available to me from the government, the University or banks, money is something of a problem (I'm borrowing close to £6,000 from my parents), but it has to be done. The job market is pretty terrible, and everyone has a degree. At the very worst this year, I leave with a low-grade Master's... but that's still more than a huge majority of the population can claim, and Lenny BSc(Hons)(Dunelm) MSc has a nice look to it.

However, assuming I can stay on track and get a distinction, things are looking good - I've spoken to a couple of people within the department about PhD applications, and I've found two separate supervisors willing to take me on. There are a good number of funding packages available, and it's very rare for the department to allocate them all (particularly at the first round of funding, which is when I'll hopefully have applied by). I'm still discussing the topic for my Master's dissertation with my relevant supervisor, but I'm hoping that we can work on something that I'll be able to get published, even if it is only low key and contains little new academic content; at the end of the day, it strengthens my PhD application by a huge amount, and I'll be able to tell people that I've been published in a Scientific journal!

So yeah, academically, things are looking good - I have a degree, I'm on track for the highest classification one can attain in a Master's, and I actually have a decent chance of doing a PhD. I've had a long-term plan since starting as a fresher to leave University after seven years as Dr. Lenny BSc(Hons)(Dunelm) MSc, and it appears to be rolling along quite nicely. The future is bright.

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Life is... ticking along.

My group of friends is shrinking. Obviously, a good chunk of people I know graduated alongside me last summer, and I'm not in contact with them any more. I've grown more distant with friends from home and secondary school, to the point now where I only ever see two of them, and one of whom I only really see when I go to watch Burnley's home games. It's a shame, but if there was any real connection, I guess I'd have stayed in touch with people.

The friends I have left are mostly finalists - they're in their last term of learning and the work is piling on. It doesn't help that they're all physicists, engineers and mathematicians, either. Last year, we all met up in the College bar almost daily. This year, I'm lucky to see them for more than ten minutes a day, which is sad.

I've made a handful of friends in the MCR, for which I am also a committee member (I'm only the webmaster, but I'm still seen as one of the eight that basically makes all the decisions for, and runs the common room), but most of them are, like me, on a single-year Master's course, so come September, I won't see them again. The PhD students I know, however, are all in their first years, so I've got at least two more years of knowing them.

I'm trying to get to know the freshers, particularly the scientists - science students generally do a four year course, which means that, if I'm successful with my PhD application, and all goes well over the course of it, we'll both graduate in the same year (2015). It's not going too well, though. I know a lot of musicians, which isn't a surprise (I'm heavily involved in music in College - I still play in my College Big Band and, because of experience, and I guess some seniority, I'm now the first guy people go to when a live pit band is needed for a College production), but no-one else.

To summarise: my social circles are shrinking rapidly, and I'm not making friends quickly enough to prevent it.

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Finally, I'm still single. At times it gets me down, but that's not so often as to be a problem.

Virtually all of the people I hang out with are in a relationship. Even my really awkward, unkempt and weird friends with terrible personal hygiene have girlfriends, and it really confuses me. I consider myself a pretty decent guy - I'm not bad-looking, I have a likeable personality and a good sense of humour, I'm intelligent and I can hold a good conversation... hell, I have my wit delivery down to an almost perfect science, with the right tone of voice, pauses in the correct places, facial expression, even the subtle inflections that indicate amusement, or cynicism, or sarcasm... - but I'm still single. Heaven knows I've tried to change this, but nothing seems to work.

Of course, there is a girl I like - a fresher who plays in Big Band. Friendly, intelligent, cute looks, good body, quite sporty. A few years younger than me (I'm 22, she's 18), but by the 'half your age plus seven' rule, I'm perfectly within my rights. Haven't the foggiest how to talk to her...

We've bumped into each other on the way to and from lectures a couple of times. Not really said much, but we chatted. However, apart from that, I've just not been able to find a way to talk to her. It's almost as if some force keeps her hidden away.

I'm trying to conjure up scenarios where I can talk to her and get to know her. I know she wants to watch Lost, which I just so happen to have finished downloading and watching myself (not entirely by design - I've been thinking about watching it for a while and rationalised this as the perfect excuse), but I haven't a clue how to bring it up in conversation... "So, what are you up to today? I think I might have a lazy day, watch some TV... actually, that reminds me; last term, someone in Big Band expressed a desire to watch Lost. Might be a weird question, but was that you?" "By jove, it was!" "Smashing. Tell you what, I've got all six series if you want to pop over and get them some time?".

I want to invite her for a coffee, get to know each other, but how on earth am I supposed to know when that's socially acceptable? I can't help but come to the conclusion that I don't know how to read signals, so knowing this, I can't judge the right time. And in any case, what do I say? "Hey, do you fancy going for coffee some time? You seem like an interesting person, you know, and I kinda, like, want to get to know you"? How confident should it be? But with the right amount of nerves to seem genuine. Words are important. Phrases can be ambiguous, so should be formulated correctly for maximum understandability, right?

I know I'm going to see her on Monday evening because we're both playing in the band for this years College musical (Guys and Dolls - can't wait to play it! The score looks incredible)... maybe if I can catch her eye during a break, rope her in with raised eyebrows, a weary smile and, "Hi there. How's tricks?"? Get her to agree to come over and take at least the first series of Lost... ask her out for a coffee there and then? When she comes over to get Lost? When she returns the USB pen (but that will probably be during Big Band, which is far from ideal...)? Maybe next time I bump into her on the lecture run?

Romantic interactions are far too hard to understand. I like a girl, I want to spend time with the girl, but turning the former into the latter is a nigh on impossible task.

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I think I'm splurged out - this has taken nearly an hour to write. I've knocked out 4,500 word essays in ninety-minutes and achieved over 80% for them, so why does it take so long to splurge?

tl;dr version: my academic life is good, and my future looks promising. My friends are slowly drifting away, because of work, or distance, and it makes me sad. I'd combat the loneliness with finding a girlfriend, but I haven't a damned clue how to talk to the girl I like and ask her out for a coffee (tips welcome!).

There are like three people who will read this, but hey...

Kinda sad that, of all places, Zelaron is the only one where I feel I can splurge almost comfortably.

inb4 stupid Skurai comments <-- I'm pre-emptively warning you, kid.

For me, when I asked the girl I'm with out, it was using an inside joke, actually. We had watched uhh... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ this. I sat down next to her, we had a bit of a conversation, and I used the line (from this) "Would you like to go see a movie?"
She smiled and said yes.

This wasn't the first time a silly joke actually landed me a girl friend. My freshmen year, around time for Home coming, I took a pizza box (the school sold small $2.50 pizzas) and used it as a puppet, asking her out. She said yes, with a laughing smile.

So, my advice? Make an inside joke between the two of you and use that, or do something so strangely silly she can't possibly say "no".

btw i used a song to tell the girl that im with atm after that feelings kinda just ran out the door and to her and the same with her

btw i used a song to tell the girl that im with atm after that feelings kinda just ran out the door and to her and the same with her

Every person's approach is different. What works for Skurai may not work for you as what may work for K_A may not work for you. To me the best approach is a direct, confident (but not cocky) approach. If you see a girl you like, talk to her, and ask her if she'd be into dinner some place. All else fails, that's what GHB and roofies are for.

Weirdly, the conversation topic of "Who does Lenny have a crush on?" came up tonight. I'm slightly worried that the people in the group just knew that I like someone in Big Band, and a couple even correctly predicted previous likes ("I had a feeling that at one point, Lenny fancied [Girl X]")... but amusingly, not a single one thinks that I would like the girl I do like. They didn't give their reasons, but it was general consensus around the table, as they went through the possibles, that this girl just wouldn't be attractive to me in the slightest. It was interesting too that the ones they think I would have an interest in don't appeal to me in the slightest. Indeed, a good number repel me.

I've never heard of GHB, by the way, but part of the second year curriculum for chemists is synthesising rohypnol. I know a good number of chemists.

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A few people who graduated last year are up this weekend, including a couple from my old corridor, one of whom I lived with in second year. I'd forgotten how nice it was to be in a group with the four others in my second year house. I think second year was by far my favourite year, even though we were quite distant from College.

So I'd psyched myself up to invite her out for coffee by the end of the week, but as of last night, she has a boyfriend. I'm starting to wonder if there's a deity somewhere, whom I've denounced, that's shitting on me, because things like this keep happening.

That, or I'm infinitely worse at reading people than I thought I was.

Maybe it's a sign that you should man up and not wait until she has a boyfriend next time.

So I'd psyched myself up to invite her out for coffee by the end of the week, but as of last night, she has a boyfriend. I'm starting to wonder if there's a deity somewhere, whom I've denounced, that's shitting on me, because things like this keep happening. That, or I'm infinitely worse at reading people than I thought I was.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

I drafted three responses to that, going on about how I think most of these diagnoses are bullshit excuses for bad parenting, rationalising my dislike for social encounters with lack of opportunity as I grew up, and similar rubbish, but I think everything boils down to lack of confidence.

I consider myself a perfectly normal guy (maybe a bit controlling if given the chance, and OCD about organisation, but everyone has their own particular and peculiar quirks). When I'm past the awkwardness of the first few meetings with new people, everything is fine - I can stop and talk to them in the street, or in the bar, have longer conversations with them and I get decreasingly worried about being alone with them. I guess it's the same for most people.

I find it difficult to ask girls I like out for coffee (or, I suppose, anything that could constitute a date), because I see it as an admission of feelings and I'm convinced that they would too, which scares me. I've never liked losing control of a situation (or myself... which I guess is a reason for not drinking), and I feel deeply uncomfortable about entirely exposing myself emotionally to someone who is still a stranger. Then again, to them, it may just seem like a gesture of friendship.

Short answer to diagnosis: No. I guess I'm just more reserved and lacking in confidence than others.

Maybe manning up and saying, "Fuck it, you only live once", is my best course of action. Obviously with this girl, however attractive I find her, there's nothing that can be done. Maybe things won't work out and I'll get my chance within a couple of months. Maybe things will collapse in a couple of years and I might still be around and single, with renewed feelings. Maybe I'll even randomly bump into someone on a train. Dwelling on things sucks, and I've had a miserable day.

Whatever happens in the future, I can probably work on building up my confidence around people I don't know.