Uhm...some writings from me

Yeah, considering there is a thing I should bring up: I am bisexual. So therefore, that's why the other person is a guy. Tell me what you thought.

I put my hand upon his stomach and got on top of him. As I sat there, he grabbed my necklace and pulled me closer. My body began to quiver slightly. As we got closer he leaned his head a little. I leaned mine a little. Our lips locked and he began caressing my back. He soon reached down to my butt. I soon sprang up, a little nervous. I blushed. "I take it you're just not ready. It's ok, I'm not going to rush you or anything." I was almost upset to hear him say that, yet relieved. I stood up and bowed a little, in my styling after the Japanese. I walked to the kitchen and put on a fresh brew of coffee. "Why didn't I just let him go on? You stupid fool!" I thought to myself. I brought him some coffee and we began to watch a movie...

Yeah, this was from a dream I had had a while back.

I'm bisexual :P And this was from a dream I had. I just want some critique on this.

Bah. Sov, HOH, Shinto, keep your bias opinions of sexuality to yourselves. Why not, instead, try disregarding the fact that it was a dream of his and focus on what he wrote from a females POV, because the wording allows it to work that way as well, even if it's not meant to.

Kagom, I happen to like it. IMHO, it captures the innocence and and anxiety that comes with wanting to go further with someone you care for for the first time.

However, you may want to work on the wording of some sentences, and try not to repeat certain words so many times.

Keep it up.

you may want to work on the wording of some sentences, and try not to repeat certain words so many times. Keep it up.

Thank you! Also, I am glad someone told me what i needed to work on. Thanks

HoH, making fun of his bisexulity is DONE in this thread. Consider this your waring. Take it to the flame forum if you have that much trouble with it.

Sorry, I have a tendency to get carried away with that sort of thing. He called me a dipshit though.

I reread those two peices kagom, and they would seem alright to me had you been a girl. I guess I am just a bit Homophobic.

Ugh just to be fair, NO more namecalling KagomJack. Now why dont you two kiss and make up.

Could use some work. Try using more elaborated means of description. Obviously through these writings you are trying to paint a certain picture, in this case of dreams you had. The more you elaborate on the detail, the more clearly people can envision it happening.

Example:
Original: I stared into his eyes with lots of love. He was lying on my couch, staring.

Detailed: I glanced over to his face, staring deeply into the firey sapphires that were his eyes, my heart beating with the searing feeling of love that grew within my chest. He was strewn out over the couch, his thin arms laying haphazardly across his chest, as his eyes connected to my own.

If you're trying to capture a moment of passion you have to back it up with passionate description. Also, it would help if you broke the paragraph into sentences. It is much, much easier to read it with seperations and indenting.

Could use some work. Try using more elaborated means of description. Obviously through these writings you are trying to paint a certain picture, in this case of dreams you had. The more you elaborate on the detail, the more clearly people can envision it happening. Example: Original: I stared into his eyes with lots of love. He was lying on my couch, staring. Detailed: I glanced over to his face, staring deeply into the firey sapphires that were his eyes, my heart beating with the searing feeling of love that grew within my chest. He was strewn out over the couch, his thin arms laying haphazardly across his chest, as his eyes connected to my own. If you're trying to capture a moment of passion you have to back it up with passionate description. Also, it would help if you broke the paragraph into sentences. It is much, much easier to read it with seperations and indenting.

hmmrmm...that's good. I know I need more work on this. But these are really practices on descriptive writings. Thanks for your input

umm you could use stronger verbs, maybe softer words(to show your care), and use a tone that fits your feelings... it just seems bland.. i am not sure if you should actually post what you rewrite bc it might seem gayer than ever?

Dammit, how did I miss all this shit?

NO MORE FLAMING, GODDAMMIT. If Kagom Jack wants to write about homosexual activity, that's his prerogative. If you feel the need to attack him, post the flames somewhere else.

Flames split and trashed. Carry on.

umm you could use stronger verbs, maybe softer words(to show your care), and use a tone that fits your feelings... it just seems bland..

Ok...that's a good idea. I'm still inexperienced in descriptive writing... Thank you for your input

(delete the above message if you see fit)

ok, here's my next one. The character is named Micahel Lee Roth. He is fictitious and I'm sorry if someone happens to be named Michael Lee Roth, etc. Enjoy:

I was to be in Jamaica for two months. I had already been there for a week. The heat was almost unbearable. It was lie stepping into an oven. However, the nightlife was awesome! There was at least a party every night. There would be dancing, music, girls, guys, and lots of alcohol. I only got wasted three times. I was usually scouting for the girls and guys. Well, it’s Friday and a huge party is going to happen at about 10:00 PM tonight. I went through the preparation needed for tonight. I was going to be social tonight. I vowed not to get wasted. About 9:55, I threw on a plain green T-Shirt, black cotton shorts, and my rainbow necklace. I exited the small green hotel room. I proceeded into the small black car outside of the hotel. I put the key into the ignition and started the car. I drove to the beach. The party had already started. I approached the drink shack and picked up a small glass of red wine. The shack was 8 feet tall and 12 feet wide. It was made of mahogany and was painted green, black, and red. The roof was made of hay. The barstools were three feet high and very lightly padded. As I sat, drinking my red wine, a very handsome young man of about 20-something sat next to me. I took note of his features. He was definitely of Asian and European descent. I figured he may have been half-Japanese. I could tell he was not a local. He wore a buttoned sleeveless shirt with a collar, cargo shorts, and a “Lincoln High School” school ring. “Hello.” I said to the cute young man. “Oh…hello.” He replied. “I’m Michael Roth.” I said. He looked at me. He then said, “I am Sunguzatzu Komaryo. Everyone calls me Sunny. “ He replied. “Ah, well, how are you?” I inquired further. “I’m doing good. How about you?” he replied. “Doing pretty damn good!” I exclaimed. We continued to talk a bit more. I found out he was half Japanese and half British. He came to Jamaica for a project, which he wouldn’t tell me about. But one thing I had to know was this: is he gay? Is he bisexual? Is he straight? I figured I’d just meet up with him again and ask. “Well, how do you like Jamaica?” I eventually inquired. “Very lively.” He said to me. “Is it always like this?” he asked. I shrugged. I then looked at my watch. “Midnight already?” I asked myself. “Well, I’m afraid I have to take my leave. Sorry.” I said sadly. He smiled. “It’s okay, I enjoyed this!” he said. I smiled and asked the barkeep for a pen. I wrote down my hotel location and number and handed it to him. “Come over tomorrow if you want.” I said. I then got up and left. As I got back to the small green hotel room, I jumped on the bed. Well, Sunny had come and gone a few times during the week. It was about Friday again. He had called me and asked if he could come over. I was more than happy. We set up to meet in my room about 10:00 PM. So I had plenty of time to set up for him. When it was about 10:00, I had set up the drinks and everything. When I let him in, he was wearing another buttoned, sleeveless shirt. However, he was wearing white silk shorts. Needless to say, I was turned on. “Hey Sunny!” I casually said. “Konnichiwa!” he replied. “Wine?” I asked. He shook his head. I poured the wine and we began to drink. After a few glasses, we talked a bit. I found out more on his heritage. His dad was apart of a Japanese sword-making family. His mother was a hotshot British lawyer. I wasn’t getting the info I did want. So I gave him just a little more wine. Eventually he was to the point of where I could get almost anything out of him. So I plucked up the courage I needed and asked “Are you gay?” He said “Hai!” “Score!” I thought to myself. “Well, I’m bi!” I said. I guess we were both wasted enough to not really care. “So I take it you really want me?” Sunny asked me. I nodded. He was to the point of saying yes. “Then I guess we can.” He replied to my nodding. I pulled off my shirt and shorts. I was before him, in my boxers. He took off his shirt and shorts. I approached him and leaned into him. He leaned into me and our lips met. We began kissing. Soon he pulled back and took off his boxers. I took mine off. I then spread him over my bed. I kissed him some more. Finally, I turned him over and began massaging his back. I worked my way to his ass. I soon began to rub his ass. It was a perfectly shaped and apparently tight. I then stopped and leaned to his ear. “You ready?” I asked. “Yeah…I am!” he said. I got back over him and prepared to mount him…

i am not pro, but your story to me is hard to read because of all the simple small sentences at the beginning... it breaks or pauses too much so it isn't smooth reading.. you might want to try combining sentences to smooth it out, but towards the middle and end it seemed to flow better
and uh... nasty ending :P

(delete the above message if you see fit) ok, here's my next one. The character is named Micahel Lee Roth. He is fictitious and I'm sorry if someone happens to be named Michael Lee Roth, etc. Enjoy: I was to be in Jamaica for two months. I had already been there for a week. The heat was almost unbearable. It was lie stepping into an oven. However, the nightlife was awesome! There was at least a party every night. There would be dancing, music, girls, guys, and lots of alcohol. I only got wasted three times. I was usually scouting for the girls and guys. Well, it’s Friday and a huge party is going to happen at about 10:00 PM tonight. I went through the preparation needed for tonight. I was going to be social tonight. I vowed not to get wasted. About 9:55, I threw on a plain green T-Shirt, black cotton shorts, and my rainbow necklace. I exited the small green hotel room. I proceeded into the small black car outside of the hotel. I put the key into the ignition and started the car. I drove to the beach. The party had already started. I approached the drink shack and picked up a small glass of red wine. The shack was 8 feet tall and 12 feet wide. It was made of mahogany and was painted green, black, and red. The roof was made of hay. The barstools were three feet high and very lightly padded. As I sat, drinking my red wine, a very handsome young man of about 20-something sat next to me. I took note of his features. He was definitely of Asian and European descent. I figured he may have been half-Japanese. I could tell he was not a local. He wore a buttoned sleeveless shirt with a collar, cargo shorts, and a “Lincoln High School” school ring. “Hello.” I said to the cute young man. “Oh hello.” He replied. “I’m Michael Roth.” I said. He looked at me. He then said, “I am Sunguzatzu Komaryo. Everyone calls me Sunny. “ He replied. “Ah, well, how are you?” I inquired further. “I’m doing good. How about you?” he replied. “Doing pretty damn good!” I exclaimed. We continued to talk a bit more. I found out he was half Japanese and half British. He came to Jamaica for a project, which he wouldn’t tell me about. But one thing I had to know was this: is he gay? Is he bisexual? Is he straight? I figured I’d just meet up with him again and ask. “Well, how do you like Jamaica?” I eventually inquired. “Very lively.” He said to me. “Is it always like this?” he asked. I shrugged. I then looked at my watch. “Midnight already?” I asked myself. “Well, I’m afraid I have to take my leave. Sorry.” I said sadly. He smiled. “It’s okay, I enjoyed this!” he said. I smiled and asked the barkeep for a pen. I wrote down my hotel location and number and handed it to him. “Come over tomorrow if you want.” I said. I then got up and left. As I got back to the small green hotel room, I jumped on the bed. Well, Sunny had come and gone a few times during the week. It was about Friday again. He had called me and asked if he could come over. I was more than happy. We set up to meet in my room about 10:00 PM. So I had plenty of time to set up for him. When it was about 10:00, I had set up the drinks and everything. When I let him in, he was wearing another buttoned, sleeveless shirt. However, he was wearing white silk shorts. Needless to say, I was turned on. “Hey Sunny!” I casually said. “Konnichiwa!” he replied. “Wine?” I asked. He shook his head. I poured the wine and we began to drink. After a few glasses, we talked a bit. I found out more on his heritage. His dad was apart of a Japanese sword-making family. His mother was a hotshot British lawyer. I wasn’t getting the info I did want. So I gave him just a little more wine. Eventually he was to the point of where I could get almost anything out of him. So I plucked up the courage I needed and asked “Are you gay?” He said “Hai!” “Score!” I thought to myself. “Well, I’m bi!” I said. I guess we were both wasted enough to not really care. “So I take it you really want me?” Sunny asked me. I nodded. He was to the point of saying yes. “Then I guess we can.” He replied to my nodding. I pulled off my shirt and shorts. I was before him, in my boxers. He took off his shirt and shorts. I approached him and leaned into him. He leaned into me and our lips met. We began kissing. Soon he pulled back and took off his boxers. I took mine off. I then spread him over my bed. I kissed him some more. Finally, I turned him over and began massaging his back. I worked my way to his ass. I soon began to rub his ass. It was a perfectly shaped and apparently tight. I then stopped and leaned to his ear. “You ready?” I asked. “Yeah I am!” he said. I got back over him and prepared to mount him

I read it up till when it started to get, well, gay. I agree it needs to be smoother, do you have ANY straight dreams?

Yeah....I'm kinda with Arkantis on this one and HOH. I'm a little...ok alot homophobic. Yeah try and think more Girl and Guy thoughts.

I read it up till when it started to get, well, gay. I agree it needs to be smoother, do you have ANY straight dreams?

Ok. I can see I need to do less "mini-sentences" And to answer your question Arkantis, yes I do have straight dreams. They come in more dominantly than gay dreams. Only a few of these have been from my own imagination.

A little better. However, the tone and manner in which the characters act seem pretty unnatural and almost robotic. Loosen up how they act and talk. Their dialog shouldn't be much different than an everyday conversation you have with your buddies. It should be loose and flowing, like real conversation, instead of shorter, choppy sentences of speech.

I understand that this is based on a dream, but even so the timing seems very off. These guys just met each other, they have barely talked and all of a sudden they start to drink and screw each other. The pacing should build up more slowly, not be like a random quickie if you want it to have an impact on the reader.

Also, there isn't enough detail or character in here to make the act seem erotic. Personally I really, really don't like the idea of gay relationships, but I'm willing to overlook my personal beliefs to give you input on it. As much as it might make other people squirm, you should try to make it more sensual. Set up a background, add some dialogue, and describe appearence. That's vital for anything romantic in a writing.

I hope my suggestions help you out.

How about you post one of a guy and a girl?

Alrighty, I'm gonna have to blow the whistle on this one, guys. I haven't read any of your stuff in depth, Kagom, mainly because I'm not too keen on guy/guy situations, but I just read over this last one, and you're about two steps away from erotic fanfiction.

Now, I'm not telling you what to write, and I'm not telling you that this last piece is breaking any sort of rules. What I am telling you is that you're getting dangerously close to erotic fiction, and that's not something I want posted in here. Just keep it in mind when you post future pieces. I can tolerate most of what you've posted so far. If I read anything about "throbbing meat-poles", it's getting deleted.