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Posted 2004-11-16, 10:24 AM
in reply to Lenny's post starting "BOOK 9 IS UPON US! AND IT HURTS! OW MY..."
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And so Lenny makes his tenth appearance, and his final farewell:
The First Book of Lenny..........
And God said: "Blessed be the Big-Noses."
And the people laughed.
And God looked down at Lenny and said: "Well he has got a big nose."
And the people laughed.
And the 27th disciple, George, said: "Like an Alligator."
And God said: "I know a joke about Alligators."
And the [58] disciples said: "Tell us."
And God said: "A man walked into a bar and asked the waiter: 'Do you do Alligator sandwiches?' And the waiter said: 'Yes.' And the man replied: 'OK then, get me an alligator sandwich, and make it quick.'."
And so the first joke of the age was given to the faithful.
The Second Book of Lenny..........
And Lenny said unto the crowd: "And God came to me in a dream and he [told] to me the second joke of the age. Thus I repeat: A man walked into a bar and said: 'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL??? WHICH LITTLE PRICK PUT THIS HERE???'."
And the people laughed.
And the blessed Big-Noses were made martyrs.
And so came the second joke of the age.
The Book of Thomas..........
And Thomas said unto the people: "I am God."
And the people worshipped him and made him God and built him temples and bought him cake.
The Third Book of Lenny..........
And God came unto Lenny in a dream and [gave] unto him directions for the third joke of the age.
And so Lenny travelled to the Temple of Thomas, but the cake proved too much for him, so instead he went to the Lesser Temple of Tom where [he] found the third joke.
And so he addressed the crowd: "A Bog-Nose, a fishmonger and a slightly stupid Irish person were sitting on a bridge eating lunch. The Big-Nose opened his lunchbox, found camel-hair sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The fishmonger opened his lunchbox, found camel-meat sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' And the slightly stupid Irish person opened his lunchbox, found camel-turd sandwiches and said in a slightly corny imitation of an Irish persons voice: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The next day, all three men had the same butties again, and thus threw themselves off the bridge. At their funeral, a joint affair, the Big-Nose's wife said: 'I don't understand it, camel-hair was his favourite.' And the fishmonger's wife said: 'I don't understand it, camel-meat was his favourite.' And the Slightly Stupid Irish person's wife said: 'I don't understand it, he made his own sandwiches.'
And the people laughed.
And one said: "What is an Irish person?"
And Lenny replied: "I'll be buggered."
And the people laughed.
And so was found the third joke of the age.
The Fourth Book of Lenny..........
And God came [unto] Lenny in a fourth dream and revealed the fourth joke of the age.
And Lenny was heard to mutter: "Ha ha, Dom the Worm."
And Lenny laughed himself to death.
And so ended the Legacy of the Big-Nose.
And thus the fourth joke of the age was never again spoken by mortal lips.
And the people had to make do with 'Danny the Ginger' instead.
And thus ended the Religious Age of the Jokes.
The Fifth Book of Lenny..........
And Lenny arrived at the gates of heaven.
And St. Peter told him the demons of heaven had gone down to Earth to look for him.
And Lenny said: "Demons in heaven. Ha. A paradox in a paradox."
And St. Peter did not understand.
And St. Peter asked Lenny what he meant.
And Lenny said: "Ignore me, I'm rambling."
And St. Peter shrugged.
And St. Peter recieved a message by L-mail.
And Lenny said: "I never knew they had Lightning mail here."
And St. Peter said: "New Fixture. Keeps on getting interference form storms below though."
And St. Peter read the message.
And Lenny read the message over his shoulder.
And Lenny went white.
And St. Peter grinned.
And St. Peter pushed a button and Lenny returned to Earth.
And Lenny was in his bed.
And the demons of heaven were standing around it.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons laughed.
And thus Lenny was reincarnated.
And the demons of heaven tortured Lenny for insulting the new God Danny.
And they stuck burning pins into all of his hair holes.
And they broke all of his bones with a teddy bear.
And Lenny was in intense pain.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons grinned and tortured him some more.
And Danny looked down from heaven and said: "This pleases Danny."
And the demons grinned.
And they tortured Lenny.
And they ripped out his tongue with a fork.
And they invited his neighbours over for a party.
And the neighbours trashed his house.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons persuaded Lenny's girlfriend to sleep with his brother.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons tortured Lenny some more.
And they ripped open his stomach.
And they burnt his internal organs.
And they filled his insides with minus pH acids.
And they stitched him back up again.
And Lenny died once more.
And thus ended the torture of Lenny.
The Sixth Book of Lenny...........
And the Reincarnated Lenny was told that minus pH was impossible.
And Lenny argued with Mr. Bob.
And Mr. Bob gave Lenny a Chemistry lesson.
And Lenny laughed.
And Mr. Bob said: "OK then smart arse. Make a -pH acid."
And Lenny said: "OK, I will."
And Lenny walked up the stairs tp the Chemistry lab.
And in the Lab, Lenny failed to make a -pH acid.
And Mr. Bob laughed.
And Lenny ran out in a huff.
And Lenny stood on a rather large thumbtack.
And the thumbtack stuck in his foot
And Leny hopped around, trying to get it out.
And he hopped towards the stairs.
And Lenny fell down the stairs.
And he fell down a floor.
And then another.
And a third.
And he fell on a poor orphan girl.
And the poor orphan girl broke his fall.
And Lenny was unharmed but from a rather large thumbtack still in his foot.
And so it was that which was the Sixth Book of Lenny.
The Seventh Book of Lenny..........
And then the little orphan girl stood up.
And there was much rejoicing.
And the little orphan girl said "You asshole you fell on me".
And the little orphan girl proceeded to smack lenny in the face.
And there was much rejoicing.
And then Lenny died a horrible death and no one went to his funeral.
And then Lenny was sent to hell.
And he will spend all eternity there for his stupidity.
And there was much rejoicing.
The Eigth Book of Lenny..........
And so Lenny was left in hell.
And his personal demons tortured him.
And they made him drink -pH acids.
And Mr. Bob appeared and told the demons off for using a physical impossibilty.
And the demons shrugged and tortured Mr. Bob instead.
And Lenny escaped.
And there were many groans.
And Mr. Bob escaped.
And there was much rejoicing.
And Plantum appeared, tempted by the chocolate.
And Lenny made him into three bars.
And Lenny gave Wilma the three bars of Plantum.
And so Lenny bought the rights to the Seventh Book of Lenny..........
And he threw a house party.
And he was thrown in the pool.
And he got wet.
And there was much rejoicing.
The Ninth Book of Lenny..........
And so Lenny crawled out of the pond.
And the people laughed at him all wet.
And Lenny became angry and threw the laughers in the pond.
And the people laughed at the laughers.
And Lenny said: "This pleases Lenny."
And Lenny went inside his house and had a shower.
And the water was too hot and burnt Lenny.
And he recieved medical attention.
And he was cured.
And he went home.
And the phone rang.
And so Lenny picked up the phone and answered: "Yo dude, you have reached the marijuana hotline. Sorry but we are not in at the moment. Press the # key and we will send you a free sample. Dude."
And he put the phone down.
And it rang again.
And he answered.
And a voice said: "STOP RESURRECTING THESE GOD-DAMNED BOOKS!"
And Lenny looked at the reciever.
And he said to it: "I am a personal friend of God, and do not think he would like you saying that."
And the reciever shouted back: "LIKE HELL. NOW STOP IT OR I'LL ZAGGGONISE YOU!"
And the reciever went dead.
And Lenny shrugged.
And Lenny sent zagggon a basket of highly poisonous Mantra plushie dolls.
And so zagggon became so excited he became dead.
And Lenny attended his funeral and made a fool of zagggon.
And GravitonSurge appeared and made a fool of Lenny.
And the people laughed.
And Lenny ran off.
And there was much rejoicing.
The Tenth Book of Lenny..........
And Lenny ran until he was away from the funeral.
And so he ran some more.
And he came upon a horse and cart track.
And the horses and carts trotted by.
And some amusing music could be heard playing in time to the trotting of hooves.
And Lenny stepped cautiously into the track, lest he should be run over.
And Lenny muttered to himself: "10 mph. Too damn fast I told them, but would they listen? No? They'll be sorry when they are covered in swelling limbs and rather colourful bruises in the shape of future American President's heads."
And Lenny stood in front of a cart.
And the horse was going too fast (7 mph), and could not stop in time.
And Lenny hijacked it.
And he trotted off.
And the driver caught up with him and punched him.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so Lenny walked to the next town.
And he bought a new house with no floor.
And so he went to the floor tile shop.
And bought some floor tiles.
[But] they had holes in them.
And so Lenny returned to the shop.
And he asked to see the manager.
And manager Mantralord came and spoke with Lenny.
And he took him into the back room.
And there was much screaming.
And the people laughed.
And Lenny came out.
And he was pleased.
And so he went home.
And he fell through his non-existent floor.
And so he died once more.
And so he went to hell once more.
And so he was tortured for ALL eternity.
And he wasn't heard from again.
And the people rejoiced one last time.
And zagggon was happy.
And so were the members of Zelaron.
And so ends the Ten Books of Lenny..........
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olleh yas d'i thguoht tsuj ,ytinummoc eht ot wen mi ,slag/syug iH
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