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Posted 2006-04-02, 07:11 PM in reply to Led's post "Zennard."
Nice. Descriptive. I liked the first half of the first paragraph. After that it got a little...I dunno, hard to follow? A few grammical error's. Not bad, though...so don't mind me:

A strange this appeared around him. (?)
His voice was the kind of a unmatured kid. (an)
The kid estimated that there was eleven cop cars there. (were)
One of the cops. Shown by a night light. Was laughing. (Too. Many. Periods. )
"Well, I subjest you all run." (suggest)
"Who.. who are you." (It's a question, therefore fitting of a question mark. Don't you think?)

It's not all of the errors that I saw, there are others. The spoken lines could use some breaks. If you wrote more I'd read it. The character is rather interesting, imho.
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Jessifer read his obituary with confusionJessifer read his obituary with confusionJessifer read his obituary with confusionJessifer read his obituary with confusion
 
 
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Posted 2006-04-03, 03:22 PM in reply to Jessifer's post starting "Nice. Descriptive. I liked the first..."
It was daylight. The birds were chirping. Such a annoying sound. The wind was blowing, Skennard never liked the wind. He thought it blanked out important noises. But he didn't care. He didn't care about his life. He just thought of chaos. His brain was divided into two. One side was filled with no fear, ambition, and his criminal side. His other was like any other normal boy. Caring, it would never want to hurt anyone innocent. These sides were fighting. It was like his criminal side was winning, consuming the good side. Good vrs Evil. Heh, that made him laugh. Then he turned back to reality. He was in a wooden house. It appeared, it had windows, but no furniture, except a few wood boxes and bean bags. He was on one of the bean bags holding a 12 gage shotgun in his hands. The size and the recoil never affected him. A machine stood far from him. It had a wooden rectangular shape. laying on it was a metal arch, on the bottom right side of the arch, it turned left to rise again to make a disk shape. It had the usual orange plates there. It had a off and on button. He didn't know what else could shoot it, so he magically added that. But thats another story. As the last plate was blasted, along with the last shell being shot. Zennard arrose slowly. He looked out the wooden door. He looked down. And jumped out...

Yep, if you were thinking he was in a tree house. Your right. But not any ordinary tree house. Zennard was looking toward his tree house as he fell down, his feet sliding against the wall, quite spectacular. Instead it was a tree mansion. And the oak below it was amazing. It was about 90 feet tall. With giant branches sticking out. It was 40 feet long. Zennard was falling at some a speed he would probably be dead now. Instead he was just folding his arms behind his head. Laying back looking so peaceful. He slowly turned around in mid air. He held a rocket launcher in his hands. He put the end of it directly on his chest. A mad man? Yes, but you realised that a long time ago. He was only seconds away from his doom. He shot down. He was already seven feet away from the ground. The gun pushed him back in mid air. He floated swiftly down to the ground. No witnesses he hoped. He heard something behind him. Swish! Skennard was turned around and in the air, flinging his rocket launcher at the intruder. It appeared to be merely a little rabbit. He stopped the rocket launcher dead in its tracks with his telekenesis.
He finally set down his mission to track down something..
Fixed the first one by the way.

Author's Note: Descriptiveness is easy, except for when I get to the exciting part, thats where I wing it, but it works, kind of, doesn't it?

Last edited by Led; 2006-04-18 at 07:29 PM.
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Led is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-betweenLed is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-between
 
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