Waiting

I pulled out a cigarette from the depths of my coat pocket, my mind quite occupied at the time. It was raining and it was raining hard, but that really didn't bother me at all. It was 3 o' clock in the morning and I had just returned from my father's funeral a few days ago. It wasn't the tearjerker that everyone had expected it to be. In fact, it was empty, empty as one could expect for someone who was really despised by his family, including his son.

I casually placed the cigarette in my mouth and lit it, taking a soft puff as soon as I could. I didn't know why my mind was so bothered by everything. The only people who were at the funeral was my mother, my sister, a few of my dad's siblings, and myself. But something about it still lingered in my mind. Maybe it was the fact that no kind words were spoken. Perhaps it was the way my sister and mother were the only ones who actually shed tears for my dad. Or maybe, it was just the way my mother, in her already fragile state of mind, insisted she stay there, to wait for my dad.

"Wait?" I asked her.

"Yes, wait. He promised me that he'd come back to me some day. I know now that he will finally keep his promise." she responded.

"You're crazy..." I muttered under my breath.

She knew he was dead. She knew goddamn well he was dead and that he would never fulfill his promise to return. He never would have, even if he were still alive. He made this promise so long ago, back when they were still married, back when my sister and I were little. He was going to leave her because he said he couldn't stand the married life any more. He told her that he'd keep in touch and that he'd return when he was ready. He was never ready for her, though.

He married again a year later and had more kids. But he lost them when they were driving to Tahoe for a family vacation. Instead of finding a way to cope with it, he came back to us, but not to our mother. However, he was an asshole. He didn't know how to be a parent any more, not after losing his other children. He also avoided our mother like the plague, as if he were afraid of a confrontation. It tore her up that he'd only talk to us and not to her, that he'd only spend time with us and not her.

Eventually when I got older, I told the old man to get bent if he was going to treat us the way he did. My mom didn't take too kindly to that. She scolded me and insisted I apologize. I stood up and told her that she didn't deserve to be treated this way. She didn't really understand, I think. The abrupt dissolution of her marriage broke her. She was fine most days, but had to take medication just to get her out of her horrible depressive slumps. One time I had to hide all the knives and razors in the house just because her one slump was so horrible.

But looking at her that day at the funeral after our conversation ended, I couldn't understand any of it. Why did she insist on believing a lie? He never loved her and he never intended to return to her. But yet, she believes that he will return. I even talked to my sister about it. She wasn't sure what to think either.

"Maybe she just needs more time to adjust to his death, Alex."

"More time? She's had years to adjust to his not being there, Jen. Nineteen years of being ignored and unloved. She should know by now that there is no hope of him coming back."

She didn't argue with me then. In fact, she walked away from me. I only saw her one more time after, but that was a couple of days ago and nothing important.

But my cigarette had been smoked and my mind was still uneasy. I felt like it was time to just take something and hit the hay. Everything will smooth out, or at least I thought.

The next morning I found out my mom killed herself. We were stunned and shocked. I knew my dad's death finally broke her and how I had handled her that day at the funeral hadn't helped. All that was found at her death site was a letter. In the letter it said: "Even if I have to wait forever, I will wait for him. He will fulfill his promise, he even told me he would before he had died. After nearly twenty years of no contact, he called me and told me that he was going to come see me. He was on his way to see me when he was killed in his car accident. Now I will make sure that he will fulfill his intentions. He never stopped loving me and I wish that you all could forgive him. I'm sorry to do this, but it's the only way."

~Fin~