Turning Point *personal*

I seem to have made a habit of this at Zelaron. I don't know why I vent here... It's certainly not the best place for it, but this place has come to feel like a haven for me. If you've seen one of these before, you know the drill. If not, here's a couple of warnings.

This may or may not be a long read. I'm not good at writing journals... I never have been. It always seemed like I was talking to myself, and I don't like the idea of confiding in yourself... It just seems stupid. If you don't want to hear about my personal life, don't read this thread. If you have a negative comment, don't even bother putting it here. I won't read it, and you will immediately join the few others on my ignore list.

With that out of the way...

When was the last time you had a major change in your life? I've had a few in the not-so-distant past. I graduated high school a year ago. It seemed like such a big change. It was a change, but it wasn't nearly as impactful as I thought it would have been. I still see those friends sometimes that I really wanted to see after high school, and I still saw Kristy, perhaps even more than before.

I moved off to college a few months after that. I thought that would be a huge change as well... For the most part, I was wrong. I still visited home fairly often. I still saw my mother, my friends, and my girlfriend pretty regularly. The only thing that changed was my immediate company.

I moved out of the dorm a few weeks ago. I thought that would be a big change. I had planned to get an apartment with a friend, but I got the shaft on that deal. He ended up moving in with his girlfriend, giving me notice after all my other, newly-made, friends had re-signed their leases. With nowhere else to go, I moved into an on-campus apartment and got grab-bag roomates. Two of them are virtually never here, one of them is pretty cool, and the fourth is me.

On reflection, none of those changes in my life really made much of a difference. I still have certain rock-steady things to rely on. I still had some really great friends from high school that I hung out with pretty regularly. I still had my mother to support me. She gets on my nerves, but she loves me and tries her best, I know. I should appreciate her more. I still had my girlfriend...

That's where I'm going with this, believe it or not. About 5 weeks ago, I experienced the first dramatic alteration of my life in recent history. Kristy broke up with me. We'd had problems before, but we patched them up, or so I had thought. I'm not going to go into why for a couple of reasons. I don't really understand all of her reasoning. I'm not sure if I completely missed out on what she explained to me or if I was just too baffled to think clearly at the time. The reasons that I do understand, I completely disagree with... This is neither the time, nor the place, however... I digress.

I lost my rock. For weeks, I couldn't function. Kristy wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my emails. I couldn't think about anything but her. I got behind at work... I lost track of time constantly. I could barely sleep.

She responded to a PM on Zelaron just over a week ago, and we talked a little bit about some current events over the next few days through PMs and emails. She still wouldn't answer when I called though. She said that she didn't want to hear me sad, because she would feel guilty. That, she explained, might lead to a series of events that she didn't want to happen.

I told myself that I was fine with that. I was finally starting to come to terms with the fact that we couldn't be together anymore. I emailed her explaining my feelings. I said that I still loved her, but I knew that we couldn't be an item anymore. I said that I hoped we still could be friends. I find comfort in talking to her. Reading Kristy's words are even helpful, though sometimes I wish so badly that I could hear her voice.

Last night, I talked to her on AIM. She's supposed to be giving back the cell phone that my mom had gotten her for a graduation present because she (my mother) is still paying the bill. I asked Kristy for her new apartment number since I wouldn't have any other way to reach her after the phone was given back. I wanted her number in case of an emergency. I don't know what kind of emergency... It was probably a bogus reason come to think of it... It seemed logical at the time.

I had been feeling better about life... I lost a girlfriend, but I still had someone I could talk to. I still had someone that cared about me... I thought I did anyhow. She said no. I'm dramatizing that. She still cares about me I think. She just doesn't want to care about me with me... Fuck it... The point is that she said no.

Kristy and I were together from February 12th, 2000 to April 30th, 2004. That's 4 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days... That's about 22% of my life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now... I'm still working to pay rent. I'm still going to class... working for my degree. It just doesn't seem to have any purpose anymore. At least it doesn't right now.

I hadn't posted anything about this on the forums before now because Kristy comes here somtimes. I didn't want to say anything to offend her. Don't get me wrong, I still love her more than I could possibly express with the 26 letters I am limited to. I just need to get some of this out, or I'll explode.

There is so much more to say, but coherent thought seems to have left me for the night. Before I start rambling, if I haven't already, I'll end this.

I really honestly can't tell you how to deal with this, Bob. I've been in long relationships, but the longest was a year, and I broke up with her. I know what it's like to have this happen, only to a much less drastic degree. I've been dumped, but only by girls I was dating for a few months or less. I know that it's gotta hurt like hell, and it has to feel as though nothing else is important anymore.

One way or another, you've got to find your own way to give the rest of your life it's personal meaning back. There's no concrete way to fix the pain, and there's no absolute solution to ease the hurt. All you can do is not give up on yourself, and wait it out. Eventually the color will start to fade back in.

Its a mid-mid life chrisis. ..

I'm going to graduate next year, whereafter I am going to get an apartment with some friends near university of pheonix in North Florida. We're all planning to save up for college and go there, seperate courses, but same school. Hopefully it won't be so bad, I duno, haven't been there yet.

That's not really a mid-life crisis, unless you only plan to live to the age of 35.

A mid life crisis is when you decide that you don't like your job and you go through a crazy career change. Not a break up. At least thats what I always thought of a mid life crisis. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I still love her more than I could possibly express with the 26 letters I am limited to.

I don't understand the 26 letter part of that.

My brother went through a hard break up about a year ago, he went to a shrink. It helped him alot. I'm not saying your crazy or anything, just a suggestion.

There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

There's 26 letters in the alphabet...

Also, fish in the sea is the worst analogy to tell to someone who has just ended a long-term relationship. Other fish have no appeal to me right now...

My brother went through a hard break up about a year ago, he went to a shrink. It helped him alot. I'm not saying your crazy or anything, just a suggestion.

He wouldn't ever do that...

I had been feeling better about life... I lost a girlfriend, but I still had someone I could talk to. I still had someone that cared about me... I thought I did anyhow. She said no. I'm dramatizing that. She still cares about me I think. She just doesn't want to care about me with me... Fuck it... The point is that she said no.

...What was the last thing I said to you...I said that I didn't want to hurt you, that I cared for you, and that I loved you...that this was just something I had to do for my life...

..What to say. Everyone deals with things differently. For most though, time is the best answer. Of course no one else looks desirable right now, but they will, slowly. I know it sounds like shit, but give it a few months, and it will get easier. When you least expect it, everything will take a turn for the better. I don't know why, but it always does. Keep the faith brother man!

Same thing kinda happen to me, my girlfriend just move to another country yesterday.... i guess it's over for us.

Same thing happened to me with my first. You all know about that drama, most of you, anyway.
I didn't want to accomplish any of the goals I had set for myself, that I had set for us. For several, several months. I didn't want to do anything. Then one morning I woke up smiling. I still love her, but it's true what they say about that...
At least I know I had something so great in my life at one point in time, that it's possible to grasp it again. I know it isn't impossible anymore. And until then, I am just going to enjoy life, and let whatever happens, happen.

Well, first I gotta say, I'm shocked. I figured you two were lifers. I haven't many words of encouragement, for they'd all seem cliché at this point in time. I've been with my girlfriend strangely from the exact day you and Kristy got together, and I can't imagine coming home to her not being around. Bitchy as crabby as she may be.

All that being said, bottom line is, stay focused on the task at hand, which is the rest of your life.

Oh yea, if you plan on living to be about 80, it'll only end up being about 5 % of your life. You had enough fun to make it worth 5%.. right?

Dude, you need to cheer yourself up. I know that it somehow seems like the right thing to do is to dwell on this, but its not. It's just more painful in the long run.

Go out. See a movie. See some friends. Go to a party. Meet new people. You have so many better options than feeling bad about this. You just have to choose not to.

-frick