Mexican Candy Ahoy!

If anyone here is a frequent patron of Something Awful, you might know the inspiration for the explosion of stupidity I'm about to describe to you.

A month or two back, one of Something Awful's writers detailed his foray into the world of shitty Mexican candy. He voluntarily consumed an obscene amount of awful hispanic confections and all for his reader's amusement. About three weeks ago, two friends of mine and I did the same thing, and I can't express how sorry I am that I did.

It started as I was grocery shopping one day. I happaned to to have read that article not two or three days prior, and as I was heading towards the canned foods aisle, a certain display caught my attention. It was a Mojave Mexican Foods display, and on one side of the rack there sat about 60% of the candies I had just read a number of horror stories about in addition to two or three items that weren't on Zach Parson's list. I was too damned horrified to realize what I was doing, and I ended up buying at least one bag of everything I saw. My drummer Jeff, my band's webmaster Nels and I all sat down a few days later and decided to try at least one of every item before us. What a fucking mistake that was. Chronicled here are my best summarizations of our experience with each of these horrible, horrible culinary malformities.




Duvalin

We started with this shit. It's impossible to tell by the picture exactly what this crap looks like, but it's not appetizing in the slightest. Basically, they're little plastic containers with foil covers filled with either strawberry or chocolate goo. We didn't have any spoons, so each of us just scooped out a finger-full of this junk and ate it. The flavor actually wasn't too offensive. It was the fucking texture that drove me to near insanity. This is the most succint explanation of the texture that I can conjure: imagine if the cartoon character "Strawberry Shortcake" had an older brother. Now, imagine the elder Shortcake jerking off and excreting gooey cake icing into a small, plastic container. That's about what it tasted like.

Carlos V (No image)

We followed up our venture into horrorland with this next item, titled Carlos V. I have no fucking idea who Carlos V is, or what in the name of hell he has to do with shitty Mexican chocolate, but I swear, if I ever meet this man, I'll gut him with his own fucking jawbone. Honestly, it wasn't a terrible product, and certainly not as bad as some of the later items, but it was "good" by no stretch of the imagination. Carlos V was just a simple, phallic shaped chocolate bar. No nuts, no caramel, no noughat. Just chocolate. You'd think it would be pretty hard to fuck that up, wouldn't you? There's not much to say beyond the fact that it was the worst chocolate bar I've ever eaten. The entire thing was waxy, oddly textured and not terribly sweet. It was like eating a log of Keebler Elf shit.



Bubblegum Coins

Again, another not-too-terrible offering in comparison with the later horrors. Each of these Bubblegum Coins is individually wrapped in foil, and I'd like to add that actually removing the foil from these things is a monstrous chore. I don't know if somebody at the Mojave packaging plant went nuts with the krazy glue, or if this particular blend of chemicals sweats pure industrial-strength adhesive, but it took me nearly five minutes just to unwrap one. Upon finally removing the reprehensible disc of gum from it's crypt, I was not greeted with a tasty treat of some sort. What I placed in my mouth was easily the most offensive hunk of bubblegum I've ever tasted. It was fucking greasy. It was nauseatingly sweet, it was hard as rubber cement and it was fucking greasy. Just plain unappealing.

Marshmellow Pops (No image)

Okay, this is where the test started to go downhill. Honestly, I thought we were going to recieve some sort of break on this one. The idea of a marshmallow coated in chocolate seemed like a pretty appealing item to me. I don't know how it's possible to have fucked this one up, but Mojave certainly did! The chocolate coating was the most waxy, brittle and outright vile chocolate I have ever forced myself to consume. The Carlos V was the worst chocolate bar I've ever eaten, but the outer shell on those Marshmellow Pops was the worst overall. The marshmallow core was actually mush worse, though. Have you ever had a Circus Peanut? You know, those ghastly pink/orange peanut shaped marshmallow lumps that turn into fucking sand in your mouth after you keep them in there for a few seconds!!!! The hateful shit in the middle of those Marshmellow Pops was the same damned substance. I actually liked the taste for a second or two, and then I got a mouthful of wet, grainy sugar-gravel. Fucking awful.

Some Horrible Peanut Disc That I Can't Remember The Name Of (Obviously no image)

I can't remember the name of this crap, and honestly, I'm pretty thankful for it. This was the real turning point of the experiment. The Marshmellow Pops were a foul omen. This was the first wave of atrocity. These weird, brown discs were maybe a half-inch thick, and maybe two inches in diameter. Upon unwrapping mine, the thing immediately began to crumble in my hands. That's when the first horrible realization hit me: THE FUCKING THING SMELLED LIKE PLAY-DOH. As soon as I opened the wrapper, that weird musky/salty odor struck my nose and instantly images of preschool flooded my brain. In spite of the warning bells going off in my skull, I bit into the disc and tried to swallow about half of it. I emphasize the word "try" because I began gagging the instant I opened up my throat and tried to move the shit out of my mouth. Upon biting into the disc, it turned into heavy-grained powder and immediately flooded every space in my mouth. At first it wasn't so terrible...then it began to coagulate. After a few seconds of soaking in my saliva, the power began to churn itself into a chunky, lumpy glue-like mess. It was at this point that I tried to swallow the crap, and failed at doing so. I tried once more to get the shit down, and I couldn't. I ended up having to spit it out, for fear of barfing all over Nels' dorm room.



Some Tamarind Horror That I Can't Remember The Name Of

I searched for the term "tamarind candy" on Google and got lucky. This shit would be the first in a number of Tamarind candies that my friends and I would consume that night. For those of you unaware as to the true nature of Tamarind, let me enlighten you. TAMARIND IS PURE FUCKING EVIL. IT IS SATAN'S COAGULATED SEMEN, SWEAT AND BLOOD TRANSPORTED DIRECTLY FROM HELL INTO OUR PLANE OF EXISTENCE. IT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE SUBSTANCE TO EVER BE CONSUMED BY MAN. GOD, I FUCKING HATE TAMARIND!!!!! In all seriousness, Tamarind is a form of fruit, and for some ungodly reason, Mexicans seem to fucking love it. I honestly can't comprehend why. It's the most nauseating flavor of anything that I have ever encountered. The item pictured above is basically a Tamarind-flavored push pop of sorts. Actually pushing the foul Tamarind sludge out of the container is nearly impossible. The shit is so viscous that after about five straight minutes of squeezing, I only managed to eject about 3/4 of an inch of the goo. Upon scraping the foul grime off with my front teeth (too viscous to lick off) my tongue was instantly assulted with a violent mixture of bitterness and salt. That's right. Salt. HOW MANY GODDAMNED "CANDIES" DO YOU EAT THAT ARE FUCKING SALTY!!?!?? The Tamarind glue immediately adhered to my molars, and worked it's way into the back of my throat against my will. I ended up accidentally swallowing the whole "load" in a fit of uncontrollable revulsion. I'm sure I'll end up suffering some sort of reproductive defect for that unfortunate mistake.

And that concludes the first half of this humorous experiment gone horribly awry. Check back tomorrow for the grand finale!

wow, how long does it take u to type that anyways? but besides that, i happen to like duvalin, it should come with these small spoons, didn't it? and those peanut things aren't too bad...... they just make your mouth dry after u eat it, did u see any of these suckers that have like chili on them or something? or did u see these little small circle carmel ones? those are good but the chili suckers are bad, i know this because my spanish teacher sells these candy for fund raiser at school

Ever tried cactus candy? That stuff is fucking disgusting, straight from Mexico too, from my buddy. He tricked me into trying it and I gagged the minute it touched my tongue.

All those candies were probably expired by atleast 3 months. I work in a grocery store and the mexican aisle is the least-selling aisle. We've got Guava juice from 1998.

Where do you live? I am talking adress... eating expired food gets me hard.

I don't live in the grocery store...

Part Two!



Pulparindo

This one brought me closer to vomiting than any of the previous entries. This was the second Tamarind item in a row that we were to consume, and regardless of how bad we thought the brown sludge was, nothing could have prepared us for this monstrosity. Basically, Pulparindo is a type of Tamarind fruit leather. If you haven't experienced the joy that is normal (read: American) fruit leather, let me save you the trouble and just say "keep it that way." I decided to go balls-out and consume about half of the Pulparindo strip in one bite. I honestly thought I was capable of eating it, I really did. The instant my tongue wet the strip, my entire mouth was set ablaze. That fucking Pulparindo strip proved to be the most concentrated source of spice I've ever encountered beyond pouring a can of Cayenne pepper directly onto my tongue. After the initial wave of heat-shock settled down, the bitter, foul flavor of the Tamarind set in. I managed to keep myself from vomiting only by the grace of God himself. Pulparindo is the hands-down, most offensive thing I've ever tasted.



Pulp of Tamarind

DO NOT EAT THIS. Not only has it been banned in America by the FDA, not only is it considered to contain dessicated, rotten fruit pulp, and not only does it appear to be a bag filled with monkey shit, this substance is probably capable of programming genetic disorders into your DNA. I actually didn't purchase this shit on my fateful trip to Albertsons. I was plumbing the depths of my mother's pantry when I located this little gem. Apparently she had been holding onto this filth for quite some time, seeing as how it was no longer "pulpy" but had instead hardened into a rock of pure evil. I took it anyway, seeing as how I was determined to kill myself and two of my closest friends via awful, awful snacks. In all honesty, I'm not entirely positive how this substance tastes when in gooey form. Like I said, the bag we tore into was rock solid, and we actually had to bite chunks of it off. The shit was so rotten that it didn't even taste like the other Tamarind atrocities we had eaten previously. So, in all truthfulness, I can't provide much of an honest review. Just imagine what it would taste like to bite into a lump of hardened shit clinging to the underbelly fur of a Water Buffalo. That's about what this was like.



Lucas Acidito

It's chili powder. Nothing terribly new or original. The only starling fact about it is that it is the worst chili powder ever created. Seriously, the side of the can claims that this substance is "snack seasoning with chili powder." I'm not entirely positive what sort of "snacks" you're supposed to pour this crap on, but I'm 100% certain that any item of food that you decide to spice up with some Lucas Acidito is sure to metamorphosize quickly from the realm of "snack food" to the realm of "biological weapon". We didn't have any "snack foods" (besides other shitty candy) to put this crap on, so we each gave ourselves a quarter-sized dollop of the vileness and dumped it into our mouths. Excruciating. It was flaming hot and the flavor was atrocious. It tasted like licking a trucker's ass after dousing it in lighter fluid and setting it ablaze.



Limon 7

Another powder-based "treat", this one nearly took Jeff's life. He is, you see, very sensitive when it comes to his taste buds. Overly salty foods make him cringe in pain, obnoxiously sweet substances make him pucker in revulsion, and apocalyptically sour concoctions actually tear away bits of his soul. Limon 7 is the most concentrated mass of pure "sour" that I have ever encountered. Upon pouring the packet of powder into his mouth, Jeff's near-instantaneous reaction was one of the most violent things I've ever witnessed of him. His entire face immediately caved inwards, his fists tightened into twin singularities of sheer rage, and his legs spasmed outwards knocking Nels' trashcan to the floor and accidentally knocking me flat on my ass. He was so completely overwhelmed with agony that he was physically incapable of spitting the shit out. His jaw was clenched rock tight. Eventually, his fit died down and he managed to regain enough control to spit the mouthful of sour slime halfway into the trashcan and halfway onto Nels' carpet. Mine and Nels' experiences were significantly less animated, but no less painful. It was horrible, plain and simple.



Lemon Pico

The infamous Lemon Pico is the shit on the left. This was the final offering we would consume at the end of that fateful night, and let me tell you, it was by far the worst one available to us. The Limon 7 was bad, but it was only sour. Nothing more. No hidden surprises. The Lemon Pico was far, far worse. It was so bad, in fact, that my entire mouth went numb about three seconds after the initial flavor-shock hit me. That initial taste was a blinding combination of ultimate sourness, overwhelming saltiness and it was fucking hot. I poured an entire packet of that crap into my mouth, and my eyes began pressure-launching rivers of tears all over my face. When all was said and done, my entire mouth had gone numb, and my teeth were completely coated in a thick, sticky film that wouldn't realease it's otherworldly hold even after a 20 minute emergency tooth-brushing. I have never tasted something so infuriantly offensive to my taste buds. It didn't make me nauseus like the Pulparindo did, it just hurt like hell.

So, all in all, after consuming eleven different types of Mexican candy, there was not one single fucking product that was edible, enjoyable or appealing in the slightest. Some were just devoid of quality, some were gut-wrenchingly nasty and some were violently painful. In the end, the three greatest offenders in each category were the Peanut Discs, the Pulparindo and the Lemon Pico. The Peanut Discs were just completely lacking in appeal, the Pulparindo was vomit shower gross and the Lemon Pico was painful enough to send me into near-epileptic shock.

Mexico, I don't hate you. I'm a fan of Mexican food, I'm a fan of some Mexican sweets (like desserts). But, for the love of God, stop exporting candy. This shit is going to start a war at some point, and if this crap continues to be funnelled into our country, you can guarantee that I'll be at the front of the infantry lines, leading the charge. This must end, and it must end now. Please. Think of the children.

wow, how long does it take u to type that anyways? but besides that, i happen to like duvalin, it should come with these small spoons, didn't it? and those peanut things aren't too bad...... they just make your mouth dry after u eat it, did u see any of these suckers that have like chili on them or something? or did u see these little small circle carmel ones? those are good but the chili suckers are bad, i know this because my spanish teacher sells these candy for fund raiser at school

I actually wanted to try those caramel discs, but I can't find them anywhere. I'm going to look for those chili suckers tomorrow. There's a Mexican foods store in town that might have soem of the shit we couldn't find. I'm particularly interested in those corn-flavored suckers. I just hope that this shit doesn't kill me in the process of trying to eat it.

All those candies were probably expired by atleast 3 months.

The Pulp of Tamarind was most certainly expired. The rest could have very easily been over the limit as well. I can't imagine that shit being in high demand, and knowing Albertson's, they probably wouldn't have any issues with just leaving it to rot on the racks. Plus, I'm willing to bet that the shelf-life (read: half life) of that crap is probably pretty phenomenal.