Review my story (plz)

Ok ime a newbie and this isthe story for the game ime making (ime a fair way into it) i would apriciate if you wold give me feedback (may have spelling errors). Its not finnished so ill post more later.Well here it is.

Crystal Quest



(Starting words flashes when the player clicks new game)

Where there is ying there is yang, where there is good there is evil, where thee is darkness there is light, for where there is light there is darkness, forever together for you cant have one without the other, bound to eternal struggle…

There are many worlds with many skies but they all have one thing in common, they all share the same destiny…

(Story)

In the ancient history of Evalon two clans were constantly at war with each other. This all changed when some peace-seeking miners discovered an enormous crystal with awesome power. The peace-seeking miners could not keep the secret for long and the two clans discovered the crystal. Warfare raged vilently until the crystal couldn’t hold the strain much longer. It shattered in to many, many pieces. This triggered something in the people’s minds as the no longer wished for war. This brought peace to all of Evalon. The many smaller crystals still held great power and they were given evenly out to all the towns and villages of Evalon. Over the years the people became more and more dependant on the crystals as they could supply them with power, light, warmth and slight control over the elements. But this peace could only last so long as an evil force was growing, and they planned to seize the crystals to add to their power. The time come when the force attacked a village. This army was far numerous than any other ever seen before. The people held a ceremony in order to strengthen the crystals and to do this they had to bring the pieces together. The army was driven back by the power of the crystals and their leader (no one knows his name) was slain. His last words were “The thing that is your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness for nothing lasts forever, not even the crystals that you rely so much upon”. But of course the people overjoyed by their victory paid no heed to his words.

Many seasons past until eventually the light of the crystals began to fade, and the words of the ancient army leader became to reawake in the peoples minds. So they decided to perform the ancient ceremony that they had use in ages past in hope in would brighten the crystals to there former glory.

(This is wear it switches to the main story/character)

At this point the main character’s sister walks in his room and tells him the ceremony has started so he goes out and the ceremony begins (they didn’t gather “all” the crystals). It shows people all dressed the same (ceremonial outfits) going in a circle around a platform with crystals on it (sister says how exited she is and your mom walks on the scene). Lightning strikes, and then the remainder of the ancient evil army attacks. (for they did not know it but the ceremony weakens the crystals for a moment and they didn’t gather all the crystals). The raid was quick and they took captives/hostages. (Among them, the main characters sister and mum). The village is now partly ruins. When the main character finds out about his family he gets some supplies, a weapon and embarks upon his journey to save his sister, mother (and also to ensure the safety of the people) a find something to replace/re-power the crystals. He says to anyone wanting to come with him that he will go alone and wont endanger anyone else. Unknown to him his little brother follows him into the great peril that awaits them.

(Plot)

The main story is that the people relied on the crystals too much, forgetting the ways of the past and there power is fading (for like the army leader says nothing last forever). The hostage’s is for the heroes/main characters motivation.
(For many people that have made games an rpg maker just have the hero step up for no reason whatsoever sand save the world, well yea right as if he would do that with no motivation/reason).
And a bit into the story you have to look for the pages ripped out of a book that are scattered around the world. The book was a person’s diary that had been researching the crystals his whole life. In another part you have to travel to other continents in search of your sister, mother and a replacement/replenisher for the crystals.

(Character profiles)

Main Character (Raven)
Age 18, brown hair/eyes, male. The main character is very talented and strong, looked up to by many children in the village. He has been getting lessons by a martial arts master and the villages wise women (healing and magic person). All ways keen to learn he studies (and exercises) a lot. He has always been peaceful, like a strong silent dreamer. Can only partly remember his father. (No one knows what happened to him) In battle (an all rounder. Although it seems he has no weakness he cannot bring himself to slay another creature.

“After all that has happened my brother has changed. I see it in his eyes. Now he is less peaceful and more, how should I put it, keen on revenge” quote by his brother.(Kyle)


Main characters brother (Kyle)
Age 10. He is forever looking up at his brother for he is his idle. He wants to be just like him and also thinks of him like a father as well for he was to young to remember his. He followed his brother in order to prove himself for he loves his brother but is sick of being treated like a kid. He has always been more restless and less peaceful than his brother and is keen to have revenge on his sisters/mothers capturers. At the start of the game uses every day objects as weapon. Is very, very special as is found out later in the game.

“He tries to hard, if he just relaxed more he would do better. Ah if only he had more self-confidence” quote by the main character. (Raven)

Ray
Age 17, female blond hair blue eyes. She is very short tempered and has a don’t mess with me bitch attitude. Underneath all that she is very passionate. She can use magic like flee, slow, haste, and ability ups. Speed is her specialty. She goes along because she has a crush on Raven who saved her from a monster and she also thinks she owes him

“She is cute but boy what a hot head, her temper has a short fuse but I guess it’s just her hiding her real feelings” quote by the main character. (Raven)

Glimli
Age? Species Dwarf. Male. Glimli is an unusual dwarf being taller than usual. He is very stubborn and when something gets set in his mind its nearly impossible to change it. He may not be the smartest in the party but he makes up for it with brute strength. He uses two hands to hold his preferred weapon (the axe) witch makes him unable to hold a shield but gives him more strength/attack. He goes along with the party for Revenge (revenge is fairly common in this game.
“Hmm I wonder if he even has a brain or just a hollow shell, its hard to tell because he rarely talks” quote by Ray

More to come

This work is copywrite and any use of it without my permission is a violation of the law (this isnt fake) for more information on the copywrite terms pm me.

Plz tell me what you think

Theres supose to be a space is and the sry

I mean theres supose to be a space between "is" and "the" at the start before the story.

SRY AGAIN

I like your story, but you may want to consider changing Glimli (too much like Gimli.. lol).

Also, there is an edit button. Try not to double and triple post.

Works pretty well. The diary seems like a neat trick, are they given automatically or do you have to explore a bit to find 'em?

=========

A quick suggestion: Make the "pages" simply activate a switch. Make one item ("Diary") a switch (0200:Read Diary) that activates a common event that reads the pages in order. (This way, if you have like 30 pages, you won't have that many clogging up your inventory screen).

All you need is a branch for each "page switch" (02xx: Diary_Pagexx). You simply copy the entire branch command and edit one line within it (the Message line). It's really simple.

If you don't have that page, you won't get anything. And it's really simple to edit.. just don't forget to turn off the switch once you're done!

Thanks nongayman and bluecube. Yeah you have to search a bit to find the pages. Ok now ime really really pissed because something happened and it wiped out my game. Well my games is (was) still there but all the resources are gone so everything is black (and i mean totally wiped out). The same thing happened to an earlier game i was working on that was on rpg maker 2000 and the don michal example. So all that hard work was for nothing .so i have to start from scratch, but worse for some reason i cant create a new project. Could someone help me out?

Oh and i couldent think of anouther name for a dwarf.

:

Call him Jack Lumber

...[S]omething happened and it wiped out my game. ...[A]ll the resources are gone so everything is black (and i mean totally wiped out). The same thing happened to an earlier game i was working on that was on rpg maker 2000 and the don michal example... [And] for some reason i cant create a new project... (Edited for what I'm replying to)

1) Did you move either the RTP folder or the Project folder?

2) Is the project folder still within your RPG Maker folder? (I doubt if that has any effect, but let's try everything)

3) Is the RTP folder within your RPG Maker folder? (This does seem to affect everything)

4) Are you attempting to create a folder in a non-existant folder? When you create/open a project, check the Project Path - it should be one folder outside the project's folder. Example: Your project folder is C:\Rpg2003\project\mygame. So your project path is C:\Rpg2003\project. Make sure this doesn't change!!

5) Are you mapping your drives, and all of a sudden, you decided to change drive letters?

6) Are the resources on a networked drive, and you lost access?

----

Thanks. ok so i can create a new project but ime still mising half my reasources so i think ill just download again but i had to delete my game. Ill just say this tho

1 no i dont THINK so
2 yep
3 yea unless you mean in programs
4 i guess i was
5 dont know what you mean
6 no

well now ime going to keep a backup folder. u may think that ime not annoyed but ime really pissed off caus i also accidently deleted my game so i guess ime going to start from scratch. oh and i reinstalled rpg maker but ime still missing reasourses. So ?

aha! Ive got rm2k3 working again

Kuja, please actually CONTRIBUTE to the discussion.

Nice. Very intersting. Once I figure out how to use RPGMaker however, my stories will blow your's out of the water!

If you read the post Raven made, you would see he DID contribute, sort of. Nice one, nerfballs.

Ok then kuja lets see one of your stories then. Or were you kidding about

"Once I figure out how to use RPGMaker however, my stories will blow your's out of the water!"?????

Oh and also check our my story that ime writing (its different than this one) its under Literature called my story.

Story Update

Alan
Age 15. Alan is the joker of the group and “literally” laughs in the face of danger. He constantly teases and taunts the enemy. One of his infamous quotes is “ Life, it depends how you look at it, you can look at the sad side and drown yourself in misery or you can look at the funny/good side because everything has one”. He goes along because he says he is bored.
“ This guys insane” quote by Ray

Amber
Amber is the white mage of the party and can summon. The party finds her washed up on a beach and she goes with them for she can’t remember anything but her name and is seeking to learn more about herself. You find more about her as the story progresses.

Rakor
Rakor plays the part of the main villain. He is a master of black/dark magic. He rules his army with pure force he obey him because of fear. They say no one has ever seen his face because he wears a skeleton mask over his face. They also say he has some connection to the leader of the force that was destroyed by the crystals. Over recent years he has grown in power waiting for his chance to seize the crystals.


Forlorn
Forlorn is Rakors right hand man (monster). He has the power to turn into a fearsome beast with immense strength. Although it is rare that he needs transform and all except Rakor that has seen him do it are dead. It is said that he once killed a hundred me armed to the teeth at once in his monster form.


Razor-death
Razor-death is the other great force of Evalon. Although he doesn’t command his army with brute force and fear, his men trust him as he always treats them as equals, has always brought them good times and has the most cunning out of all his clan. Razor isn’t a human he is like a fox/human mix (human with a fox face and fox fur. Fox on two legs and the same height as a man)). Razor is very smart, strong and swift but he knows very little in the ways of magic like most of his clan who have always relied on hand-to-hand combat. Although he has always been thought as evil there is good inside him unlike Rakor who is evil to the core. He and Rakor have been at war with each other for what seems like forever. But in these times Rakor seems to have the upper hand.


Swift-eye
Swift-eye is razor-deaths right hand fox. Unlike most of their clan he is skilled at magic, both black and white. He and Razor-death have been mates since they were cubs and Razor being leader doesn’t change that. He is also teaching others magic for their lack of magic is one of their greatest weaknesses. He is also skilled at reading and writing which is extremely rare amongst the clan.


Moon-dust
Moon-dust is Razors left hand fox. She is a vixen, skilled in the art of healing. She also claims to be able to tell the future. The art of healing is one of their greatest advantages over Rakor. Moon is training many other vixens in the art of healing as well. Like Swift-eye she can also read and write.


Tar-ree
Tar-ree is Razors son. He lost his mother when he was very young at the hands of Rakor. He is seeking revenge (like his father) for his mother’s death. He joins the party because Raven makes a deal with him.

Well let me start with the story. Now i don't know much about console rpgs but the concept of peace miners just doesn't add up to me and i think the crystal should fall from the sky rather than be found in a mine you know like a meteor and you could make the crystals both good and evil, they grow eviler as time passes and the people become dependent on them. the party is classical im guessing the main character meets them on his journey. how about this for a dwarf name foiv foot blogy(foiv foot being his nickname because of his height)

Thanks. I think i forgot to put in the main charecters weakness. Well at the start of the game he cant bring himself to kill anouther being. Oh and i forgot to add the update to my main story so re-read it (well at least the parts i will edit) when ive edited it. (my edit includes how/why the charecters join tthe party)