I believe Nukem would win the first one then proceed to "Rip off Lara's head and shit down her throath".

After that, Duke would run to the gay Pokemon battle and gun em all down and say "Let God sort 'em out"

He would try to do the same thing to the last battle, but Hamtaro would jump into the air with 1226 hamster like skill, and unleash a world destroying pulse, that is Kuja-esque.