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-   -   Worthlessness (http://zelaron.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25448)

Valmar 2003-12-09 01:40 AM

Worthlessness
 
How long will it take for the pain to go
How long till i stop hurting
The answer is simple, no one will know
All the time mocked by worthlessness
Why cant i move on, or at least heal
Why do i feel an empty void deep within
Is because of the hate or just sin

This life, ever so long without end
Without end nothing pretend
It will go on untill the pain will finally decend
When it does it will be a glorious day
For you see, life isnt worth living alone
I used to love, but know she is gone
So i site at home, nothing to do
No where to go, misfortune is a bitch
It seems my life is poluted with garbage
Everyday in the hem of my life, a new stitch
The pain ever increasing,
The happiness always depleting
Is there hope for me
This life, nothing more then imagination
One day we will all pass, then the day will come
Then and only then, in death, will i have happiness

Raziel 2003-12-09 01:59 AM

Nice work. A few quick suggestions, though.

1) Check your grammar and spelling. There's a lot of good verbal variety here, and it's slightly marred by a few minor grammatical issues and spelling mishaps.

2) There seems to be a tempo change between the 4th and 5th lines of the 1st stanza. The first four lines work in couplets, but after the 4th line the poem appears to flow in triplets. I would suggest separating those two sections from one another, thereby noting the change in pace.

Either way, just a couple of suggestions. Good work, I enjoyed it.

Valmar 2003-12-09 02:25 AM

Im not the greatest speller, and to be quite honest thats the first poem i ever wrote that wasnt to a girl.. those are much better >_<


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