And now, my daily blog
 

I shall be posting a page from my diary every day. Or as often as I remember to.

Today's entry is from 04/02/2010

Dear diary,

Today my anti-semitic father and I went to the park for a stroll to get some ice cream. Along the way we saw a really slutty girl throwing frisby to her dog. Her chest was wet, so you could pretty much see her tits. Straight women have no shame. She did have an ass though. Well, while staring at her, my father slapped my back, yelling "Andy, I see you found a pretty young girl to ogle!" I jumped a bit and had to laugh it off. He'd probably die if I told him I'd only do her if she had an 8" dick.

Resuming our walk, we saw these two Arab looking dudes just chatting. Instantly I knew that my dad was going to blow a fucking gasket. I grabbed him and tried to drag him away, telling him that he could go to prison and whatnot. He wasn't going to have any of that and immediately yelled out "Hey, you stupid fucking Iranian niggerjews! What do you think you're doing?" I remember feeling terror crawling through my body, but the worst part of it was this: why was my dad using an insult that sounds like it would come off the internet?

They looked at us with a grunt and a "huh". Then dad yelled at them again "I said what the fuck do you think you're doing?" That's when one of them started to walk at us, the other one just standing there, watching. I quickly tried to encourage him to run away, mentioning possibility of arrest. The guy who came was probably my age and had some luxurious hair. It was like, super gorgeous and sooooo straight. I want to run my fingers through it and smell it. I bet it smells like hash. Well, anyway, the guy strolled up and said "Sir, I'm not Iranian. I'm not a...black person. I'm Israeli and thus, yes, a Jew. Is there a problem with me just chatting with my friend?"

Of course, that lit my dad's fuse. He started to shake with rage and shot the Israeli guy a middle finger screaming, "Yes, because you're wasting valuable space and oxygen for us normal people, ya fucking kyke!" Then faster than I could even blink, the Israeli guy knocked my dad down and then proceeded to beat the piss out of him. We ended up having to call an ambulance it was so bad. Bruised ribcage, had to get 3 stitches on his forehead, and a cut lip and several other bruises. Serves him right. Also, while waiting for the ambulance I exchanged numbers with that guy. I figured he was gay in like, a minute of meeting him. His name is Ben. Yeah, I managed to suave him over by telling him I hate my dad and have a Jewish fetish. I'm smooth like that.

Well, diary, it's time to give it a rest so I can go tend to my dad's injuries and probably play some Xbox. Deuces!

You should make this into a video blog.

Yeah so that was the best thing I've read today. Kagom, I love you.

With reenactments of the events in each story.

If I had the necessary and willing actors to do it, I would. As is, most of the actors I know here are lazy and won't pull through.

I'm sure you could find enough artsy gays to help.

Not in Mississippi. Least the part I live in. Sorry for the double posting homeys.

Today's entry is from 04/10/2010

Deary diary,

Today was the start of a pretty typical day here at the household. Mom was having her early morning martini and dad was reading "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion" for the fourth time. I was having phone sex with Ben (who, by the way, is fucking gorgeous, but he's not terribly bright). That's when the doorbell rang. My mother, claiming loudly that she'd "Fucking get the goddamn door" when my dad motioned that he wasn't going to get up. That changed kinda fast when she managed to trip over her own feet, which I'm sure the fact it was her third martini had nothing to do with that. Dad pretty much went fuck it and answered the door.

I stopped paying attention for a minute to keep up with Ben when mom yelled out "Andy! Andy! Come down, it's your brother Brian!" Of course, I had to feign my excitement and end my call with Ben. I hopped away from my room and came down, looking around cautiously, as my brother had instilled a crippling fear of him tackling me out of nowhere (as he was wont to do when we were little). Surprisingly, it didn't happen to me, for the first time in 6 years. He was pretty much chilling with the folks in the living room.

He looked pretty awful to be honest. He was really pale and let his hair grow out like some death metal fan. Maybe he's discovered heroin. Just kidding, my sister's the one with the heroin addiction. =) Anyway, he was talking about how he netted this job as a mortician's assistant at some funeral home the next town over. This fact sorta bothered me. But I couldn't quite place my brother's penis in some dead chick's snatch. Oops, I mean I couldn't quite place my finger on it.

They asked him the obligatory questions: did the mortician himself bang stiffs? Does formaldehyde really get you high? Dad asked the most important question: do you have to work on any Jews? Brian shrugged.

I, of course, had to ask why he was there. He simply said to tell us the news and that he wanted to tell it in person. Mom got mad at me and told me to shut my trampy mouth. No idea why it's trampy, but when I asked mom she simply told me because it it and I shouldn't question her or I'm no better than a thieving gypsy. I hate my family sometimes. I just let it go and listen to them drone on.

After a while dad had to go out to the Bible store to get some "Jew-free" literature. Mom was passed out on the couch with her fourth martini half drunk. That's when Brian told me he had something important to say. I wasn't really sure what to make of it, especially since Brian hates me. And I don't mean that in a family way, he flat out hates me and has told me several times he'd be better off if I died. Mostly when he was drunk and had gotten caught masturbating to some...bizarre porn by mom because of me being a little tattle-tale. Well, he said that I was the only one in the family he could trust. Weird.

That's when he dropped the creepiest bomb to end all. He told me something I don't think anyone would ever expect to hear and the first thing to come to mind is that they're bullshitting. He told me he was into banging stiffs. Like, literally. I didn't really believe him until he pulled out his phone and showed me the pictures. Yeah, he was carrying it around and the worst part was I could tell they were corpses.

He then told me the only reason he told me was because he knew I was gay and that I was the only sexual deviant in the family he felt he could confide in because we're so "similar". I threw up a few minutes after seeing my brother's dick in various dead chicks. As I came out of the bathroom, he asked me not to tell anyone. Against my better judgement, I agreed to and have not told mom or dad. That and he said he'd cut off my fingers, knock out my teeth, cut off my tongue and blind me if I told them.

Well, diary, I have to say, again, sometimes I hate my family and with that, I'm going to go to sleep. Deuces.

You live an interesting life Kagom... or Andy. I like Andy better.

Somehow, I didn't expect you to have a nice name like Andy.
Why "Deuces"?

Why not "Deuces"?

I just kinda imagine some gangster guy saying deuces.

I imagine a skinny dork with long hair fist bumping his notebook.

Well, it could be. You never know.

New story? Please a new story Kagom?

Today's entry is from 4/20/2010

Dear diary,

Today my alcoholic mother decided to actually clean the house, vacuum in one hand and a gin & tonic in the other. Which was kinda weird since she usually only does household chores with vermouth on the rocks. Well, she always does a really terrible job because of all the alcohol she consumes, usually knocking shit over and all. Today she happened to knock over a pile of clothes I had sitting on the foot of my bed. Normally, that's not too big of a problem, but I happened to be keeping my bong under there for some recreational fun.

Well, I heard her call for me to come up because of something she found. I got quite scared that she managed to find my dildo or my porn collection at first, so I headed on upstairs, ready to explain everything. All she did as I came into my room was hold the bong up and tell me that I was an asshole for not sharing with her. I was pretty perplexed that she was so calm about it and that's when she started asking me a bunch of questions and making various statements.

Are you buying good pot? If not, she wanted to beat me with the bong. Why didn't I tell her sooner because she would like to spark up with me. Apparently she'd rather smoke than drink because she hates hangovers. She also told me if I ever need a good hook-up, her sister only lives a few miles away and would give me a discount. But only if I asked her since she and mom hate each other.

So, as odd as it sounds, my mom and I sat down and took rips out of the bong. I dunno, all-in-all it was a pretty short day. I talked to Ben a little bit and got a call from my sister seeing if I had her old boyfriend's number so she could score some horse. Yeah, dunno. Maybe something more eventful will come up soon. Deuces.

Smoking with your mom..... My mom told me if I was going to to do it in my house but she would never smoke with me.

Should've been like "Smoke with me, bitch. It'll make life awesome."

I call bullshit. I've known some raging alcoholics, and even they wouldn't do something this stupid.

Willful suspension of disbelief and all that shit. Gawd.

In comes the 19 year old to ask the question, what is a vermouth on the rocks?

Vermouth is an ingredient in a martini. It's probably the most disgusting liquid on the planet. It's hard to explain beyond that without you having tasted it yourself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vermouth

The wiki doesn't properly emphasize how disgusting it is.

So it's simply disgusting stuff on ice then? Lovely.

So far Kagom's life has made alcohol sound worse and worse.

Alcohol is a lot of fun.

What is this? I wake up in the morning and kagom has forgotten for the first time. I can honestly say I was looking forward to reading another.

I didn't forget :P There's 24 hours in a day and I work graveyard.

Today's entry is from 04/22/2010

Dear diary,

Today my cousin, Tina, was coming to visit us for the first time in a few years. Last I'd seen her was probably when she was in elementary school and she's 14 now, so yeah, cool. I remember her being a bit too thin for a normal kid and having very long and curly hair, however, that was a bit...different when she came to visit.

I answered the door and was sorta surprised she put on a lot of weight and her hair was cut really short and she had bad acne. I brought her in anyway and gave her a hug because, y'know, family. Dad walked by and stopped, staring at her for a few moments and said "You put on weight." and walked off. Tina didn't seem to care, saying she has heard worse.

So we go and look around, showing her all the changes in the interior since she last came around. She seemed a bit bored, so I took her to go see mom, who was in the middle of her vodka brunch (which basically consists of her drinking shots of vodka and eating pumpernickel bread). When we came in, she was staring down at the bread, muttering to herself (which she said was her praying over the bread). I cleared my throat and got her attention. "Mom, Tina's here."

She craned her head a bit to look between Tina and me and said "Where? Is she behind your fat, crater faced, soon to be on '16 and Pregnant' girlfriend or whatever?" I looked at her with a rather shocked and appalled look on my face. Tina blinked and started to open her mouth, but couldn't find the words. "Mom! That's so mean! She's right here next to me." I yelled, motioning towards Tina. "Oh, well, shit! Tina you look...just godawful. Like someone rubbed a cheese grater against your face and force fed you an entire African village." I could see that this was probably the worst she ever heard. Tina began to start sniffling and sobbing, mom downing a shot of vodka. "Oh honey, don't cry, please, you look like a walrus with a bad cold. It's not that I don't love you any more, but you just really let yourself go. I could blame puberty, but that'd just be too much of a lie."

I became livid and just couldn't believe she'd talk to her own niece like that. "Mom! There's no need to be so cruel!" She shrugged and said "You know that I'm 100% honest all the time and that's all I'm doing right now. Honey, you need to join a gym and use some Purina." I glared. "Mom, what the hell?" "Oh, right, not Purina. That's for dogs, which you look like Tina. I meant that stuff, that acne stuff. That starts with a 'p'."

I quickly pulled Tina away and began apologizing. It was a shock to me she'd be so callous to her own niece! Crazy bitch. "I forgot why I hated coming here. Aunt Eva is kind of a bitch." I chuckled and had to agree.

So instead of subjecting her to more torture, I took her around the town, showing her different shopping places and such. We had a good time and ate lunch, my treat. She also pointed out that I was just way too gay and needed to tone it down. She also asked if I had a boyfriend. How she figured it out, I don't know. She said it had to do with me knowing the difference between light blue and sky blue.

When we finally came home, mom was cooking dinner (and magically not burning the kitchen down like the last time she actually cooked). We went into the dining room to have a seat at our spots. That was a bad idea as my parents are evil fucks. Everyone had a spot assigned as kids and we had a guest spot. Tina's spot (the guest one) had a doggy dish on it with kibble. Dad walked by and said "Zinger!" He then explained he thought it was funny because of her acne and bad looks. Mom yelled from the kitchen it was funny, but to leave Tina alone before she cries again.

Dinner was not bad. We had lasagna and some beans (because my dad is obsessed with eating beans). The conversation was the bad part. They left Tina alone for a good bit, asking general questions like "how was the bus ride" and whether or not her parents divorce had been for her and, of course, my favorite follow-up question by my oh so wonderful mother: "How does it feel to know it was your fault in all likelihood because of your obesity and dyke haircut."

That's when I tried to get them to stop, but then dad had to butt in "Tina, that does bring up a good point. Are you a lesbian?" Tina sat in horror, her fork dropping out her hands. "Come on sweety, you can tell us. We won't judge you. Really. It would explain the haircut." "Mom, dad! What the hell?" I yelled. "What? We won't. We know you're a fruit loop and we still love you." he said with a smile. I recoiled in my chair. Mom grabbed my arm and shook it lovingly, as well as drunkenly. "Honey, we know you're gay. It's so obvious. You picked out everything for the remodeling we did, you coordinated my girls' night out party, and not to mention you can tell the difference in so many minute colors. It's not difficult." I shrunk into my chair.

That's when Tina erupted "No, I'm not a lesbian. Goddammit I like guys. I got this haircut because mom tried to cut it herself. And I can't help this weight. When mom and dad got divorced, I just ate all the time to hide my pain. And this acne is awful and I can't help it because now I'm suddenly going into womanhood and bleeding once a month! And now you guys, my own family, are being such gargantuan dicks that I realize why I never wanted to come here. You're awful fucking people!" She covered her mouth after she realized what she'd said, just looking at everyone. "I...I'm sorry. It's just...you hurt my feelings." she whimpered.

Mom began laughing. So did dad. That's when they said she should never take shit from anyone and that they were very proud of her at that moment for standing up to them. I, was of course, still mortified at it all. They offered to go get Tina ice cream and a gift so they could make it up to her for being so callous and mean.

That night as Tina went to the bus stop to get on so she could head home, she told me that I was the only good thing from the trip and wanted me to talk to her more often. I told her sure thing and went back in bed. Mom grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, telling me that they meant what they said about me being gay and all and that I shouldn't have been afraid to come out, though they forcibly outed me. She also said that she didn't understand why I felt comfortable. I told her that it was because of how horribly racist dad is and that I felt he had hatred there for gays too.

She laughed and felt the urge to correct me: "No, no. Your dad isn't racist. He just hates kykes and sand niggers. His uncle was gay and his best friend at work is Filipino. He doesn't care about you liking men. He loves you and nothing can change that. Unless you date a Jew." I chuckled nervously and agreed. I knew that Ben was to be a secret for sure. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and said good night as she passed out to C-Span. Dad was out at a friend's house thankfully, so I went right up to my room and talked to Ben for a while.

So yeah, crazy day. Later then! Deuces.

Your parents piss me off.

I honestly think I'd punch someone who said that shit.... oh wait. I punched my step father for saying that stuff. Not quite as bad but it was to my sisters.

This entry is from 05/01/2010

Dear diary,

Things have been going surprisingly well with Ben. I feel very connected to him and enjoy his company. The sex is pretty mind-blowing too. But the one thing that really just irritates me is that he's really stupid. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's so awful and forces you to pay attention to his stupidity.

Like, he thinks Mexican is a language. He loves NASCAR, which boggles my mind and is pretty anti-evolution. He's also a picky eater and won't eat lettuce because he was told by some online group that lettuce causes your penis to shrink. Imagine how fun that conversation was. He told me they had scientific evidence that the government puts something in lettuce to make your penis shrink and also, he believes in chem trails.

But he is one helluva cook. He also can make Baked Alaskan. He's a keeper for that feat alone. He's also got a huge dick. I don't know if that impacts anything other than my ass, but it's a plus.

I met his dad today too. Really odd guy. He has this lisp, but is constantly looking for a chance to fingerbang his wife whenever she's in a room. They'll seriously be going at it under a table or if they pull a throw over them. It's really kinda...disturbing. His dad asked me if I wanted to smell his fingers the first time we caught them. I think I died a little inside when I did.

He's got a pretty cool sister, named Ruth, that I've met a few times. She's an anarchist that's dressed like she's a fashion model. Her boyfriend is some hipster. Not even worth more of a mention than that. He's got a little brother named Sanjay. He's adopted. And 12 years old. And likes to punch things. He has some sort of mental disorder. At least Ruth thinks so.

Also, I found out today that my parents and I have been invited to a wedding for a cousin of mine. She's apparently marrying a rich lawyer. Our biggest problem is that she did send invites to my brother and sister. Mom says not to worry, they won't come because Brian won't come because he hates family get-togethers and Katrina is too strung out on heroin to pay any attention. So I guess that put me at ease. She's going to let them off the hook, but I have to suffer. Then again, my cousin is pretty badass.

Time to do some laundry, diary. Deuces.

Your whole life is just insane :P Are there any normal people in your life?

My mum believe in chem trails before it was cool.

Are you and Ben still together?

My step father believes in chem trails. Then again he believes in a ton of those theories. I think it's stupid.

I thought it was stupid at first, until I began to notice something.
This semester, every day I went home early, feeling sick, dizzy, etc., I noticed that there were an awful lot of airplanes out, with those trails behind them. I don't just mean, one or two planes, but like 15 or 20 in the general AREA. I don't know what to think, it's probably coincidence, but it's definitely odd. Try and see for yourself, next time you're having a hard time focusing in school, or feel dizzy all day.

Am I the only one that realizes that Kagom is full of shit?

You should be a scientist.

I'm just waiting for a Sailor Moon episode about Chem trails. I'm pretty sure this show is about little girls fighting the Illuminati, so far. Shapeshifting monsters that brainwash people using popular culture. Seriously.

K_A, my life is a hectic and fucked up mess. I can't help it. :(

Have you tried killing everyone and being straight and white?

Who the fuck says that? Seriously dude.