Jokes!!
 

Feelin a little down right now and feel like laughing. Anyone got any good jokes? If so post em here! Nothin' is too dirty or bad for me :)

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!


hold on and i'll get better ones...

Thats mean! But damn funny :O)

rofl that was good

:D

WhaBAM I like you're avatar...you're not go'n to get Imp PMS if someone else has one like it are you!!! (hehe):D

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor". "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly. "What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor. "Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!" "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."


ewwwwwwww (HA HA HAAAA)

What the hell does that mean? How bout some plain English buddy. No ^^ plz. By the way, those jokes = fuckin' funny as hell. I like the sex in Safeway one lol.:O) :O) :O)

hehe I've heard that many-a-time ;)

What does a sky diver and a hooker have in common?

They're both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

should be a bungie jumper not a sky diver, sky divers have parachute not a huge rubber cord.

Sky diving is expensive, too.

bets joke? hmm


why did the chicken cross the street?



to get away from grav's hunger^_^

mmmmm chicken

..and some cornbread.

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None -- how do you figure that?" The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmmmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!" The little boy then says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question? There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it, and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!!"

Sweeeet :)

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

thats pretty damn sick.

hehe no man I just read a little johnny joke that was pretty bad...

that one about the teacher was funny as hell

lmao

:eek: a little johnny joke?

huhwhat

3 Men were on a deserted island and had been captured by canabals. The canabals said they would let the men live if they would do something for them. The canabals told the men to go into the jungle and pick 10 of any kind of fruit they wanted. So the men went out into the jungle to pick their fruit. The first man returned with 10 apples, and the canabals said that if he could put all 10 apples in his ass without making any noise, that he could live. So he got one in, then 2, and he screamed, so the canabals killed him. The second man came out with 10 cherries. The canabals told him what he had to do, so he began. He had no trouble getting 9 in, but then he bursted out laughing, so the canabals killed him. So up in heaven the first guy and the second guy were talking. The first guy asked the second guy, "why did you laugh? you almost had it!" and the second guy replied "I saw the third guy coming out with pineapples."

LoL, those 2 were funny....

how can you tell it's bedtime at michele jacksons house?

The big hand is on the little hand.:)

what do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

there both fun until your friends see you with them:)

They are fun to ride until your friends see you on one*


What does a kodac camera and a condom have in common?

They both catch that special moment.

why are black ppl so good at basketball?

because they can 'steal' 'run' and 'jump'.

:eek:
that is stereotypical :(

And racist. And not very funny.

It is stereotypical. That's why it is funny. If it wasn't stereotypical, it wouldn't even be understandable.

By the way, why is the word stereotypical? Shouldn't it be monotypical?

:nerd: :shame: :nuts: :bitch: :head: that was stupid.

it should be Tropical but who cares on the word choice most jokes are usally insulting to some "type" person so who really cares...

funny:d

hehehe ;)....here's the little johnny joke just for you johnny ;)


Little Johnny was in the bathroom bushing his *%#$ w/ a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Mom walks in and asks what he's do'n: " Mom I'm go'n to brush this thing 3 times a day so I don't get a cavity like sister!!!

Most little johnny jokes are better than that..

agh lol

Oh come on, racist jokes are funny! The idea of racism is so ridiculous in the first place that I don't take it seriously at all. Lighten up guys.