Originally Posted by Grav
(Post 505603)
May as well answer my own question. I would say that I am lonely, but not extremely.
The place I live now is just pretty depressing. Most of the people are fake, and the ones that aren't all have a girlfriend/boyfriend so nobody really hangs out, unless it's a party, in which case I just smoke myself retarded. The problem is that I don't have a "best friend" here because everyone is so deeply ingrained in their friend cliques they've had since elementary school... so I am basically a part of each clique, but I don't have a specific spot in them, I just jump around to whichever one is most interesting at the time. So I have a lot of friends, just no best friend.
I'm used to having a best friend or two wherever I go, but that's not the case here, so I feel somewhat discombobulated. I feed off the energies of the people around me, and I'm only getting small amounts from these people. It's not working out too well, because I'm used to more, so this isn't satisfying me. But since I get nothing by myself, I would still rather be around these people that give off small amounts.. but then I end up craving more, go into withdrawl, and keep repeating the cycle.
I just want someone I can hang out with and talk to completely earnestly and without the chit chat bullshit. Just really honest discussion about whatever is on our minds. There was one guy that I hung out with a lot here, got into many meangingful conversations with him, but then he too got a girlfriend and we haven't hung out since.. heh. So I've been kind of empty since then.
I just want to be important to someone, you know? I can't think of anyone around here that would be honestly distraught if I just went and died right now... maybe one person. I recently tried filling that gap with this girl I know, we became really close for a while. So I thought I made her happy, and that she'd be happy if we were in a relationship, so I asked her out. Apparently this fucked her mind, since she balked, said she didn't have time, and things became awkward. Three weeks later she got a new boyfriend.. so yeah. I think that since I suddenly cut off her source of comfortableness she turned to that guy for stability, since them getting together was pretty sudden and random. Actually, that was the theory of a friend of hers, but it somewhat makes sense. Had I known back then what I know now, I never would have caused this odd situation. I actually feel somewhat bad about it, since I think that one or the both of them are going to get hurt sometime in the future. Oh well, I'm probably looking too much into it.
Since that didn't work, I tried just making a lot more friends. Basically now I have 3x as many friends who still give off small amounts of energy, heh. And here's the weird part: I find myself most comfortable around depressed people because I can cheer them up through my natural exuberance and they look up to me for it... so I get more back from them. When I'm around groups of happy people, I feel blocked out because there's no personal connection, and I tend to get depressed. That's why I smoke myself retarded at parties and such, heh. I'm sure if I had a girlfriend or a best friend at the party also, it wouldn't be a problem. Oh well, I'm fucked up.
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