Jokes!!

[WhaBAM]

Feelin a little down right now and feel like laughing. Anyone got any good jokes? If so post em here! Nothin' is too dirty or bad for me :)

[Silverjinx18]

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!


hold on and i'll get better ones...

[WhaBAM]

Thats mean! But damn funny :O)

[Sum Yung Guy]

rofl that was good

[Silverjinx18]

:D

[Silverjinx18]

WhaBAM I like you're avatar...you're not go'n to get Imp PMS if someone else has one like it are you!!! (hehe):D

[Silverjinx18]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor". "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly. "What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor. "Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!" "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

[Silverjinx18]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."


ewwwwwwww (HA HA HAAAA)

[WhaBAM]

Originally posted by Silverjinx18
WhaBAM I like you're avatar...you're not go'n to get Imp PMS if someone else has one like it are you!!! (hehe):D What the hell does that mean? How bout some plain English buddy. No ^^ plz. By the way, those jokes = fuckin' funny as hell. I like the sex in Safeway one lol.:O) :O) :O)

[Silverjinx18]

hehe I've heard that many-a-time ;)

[Bezier]

What does a sky diver and a hooker have in common?

They're both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

[ask_rabber]

should be a bungie jumper not a sky diver, sky divers have parachute not a huge rubber cord.

[Grav]

Sky diving is expensive, too.

[Hades-Knight]

bets joke? hmm


why did the chicken cross the street?



to get away from grav's hunger^_^

[Silverjinx18]

mmmmm chicken

[Medieval Bob]

..and some cornbread.

[Silverjinx18]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None -- how do you figure that?" The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmmmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!" The little boy then says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question? There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it, and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!!"

[Medieval Bob]

Sweeeet :)

[Silverjinx18]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

[ask_rabber]

thats pretty damn sick.

[Silverjinx18]

hehe no man I just read a little johnny joke that was pretty bad...

[Demosthenes]

that one about the teacher was funny as hell

[mightychicken]

lmao

[JohnnyTAE]

Originally posted by Silverjinx18
hehe no man I just read a little johnny joke that was pretty bad...

:eek: a little johnny joke?

[!King_Amazon!]

huhwhat

[!King_Amazon!]

3 Men were on a deserted island and had been captured by canabals. The canabals said they would let the men live if they would do something for them. The canabals told the men to go into the jungle and pick 10 of any kind of fruit they wanted. So the men went out into the jungle to pick their fruit. The first man returned with 10 apples, and the canabals said that if he could put all 10 apples in his ass without making any noise, that he could live. So he got one in, then 2, and he screamed, so the canabals killed him. The second man came out with 10 cherries. The canabals told him what he had to do, so he began. He had no trouble getting 9 in, but then he bursted out laughing, so the canabals killed him. So up in heaven the first guy and the second guy were talking. The first guy asked the second guy, "why did you laugh? you almost had it!" and the second guy replied "I saw the third guy coming out with pineapples."

[Sirpullido]

LoL, those 2 were funny....

[ViciousMilitia]

how can you tell it's bedtime at michele jacksons house?

The big hand is on the little hand.:)

what do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

there both fun until your friends see you with them:)

[!King_Amazon!]

Originally posted by viciousmilitia
what do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

there both fun until your friends see you with them:)

They are fun to ride until your friends see you on one*


What does a kodac camera and a condom have in common?

They both catch that special moment.

[Strider Fury]

why are black ppl so good at basketball?

because they can 'steal' 'run' and 'jump'.

[JohnnyTAE]

Originally posted by Strider Fury
why are black ppl so good at basketball?

because they can 'steal' 'run' and 'jump'.


:eek:
that is stereotypical :(

[!King_Amazon!]

And racist. And not very funny.

[Medieval Bob]

It is stereotypical. That's why it is funny. If it wasn't stereotypical, it wouldn't even be understandable.

By the way, why is the word stereotypical? Shouldn't it be monotypical?

[!King_Amazon!]

Originally posted by Medieval Bob
By the way, why is the word stereotypical? Shouldn't it be monotypical?

:nerd: :shame: :nuts: :bitch: :head: that was stupid.

[JohnnyTAE]

it should be Tropical but who cares on the word choice most jokes are usally insulting to some "type" person so who really cares...

[DRK_SORC]

Originally posted by Silverjinx18
"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!


hold on and i'll get better ones... funny:d

[Silverjinx18]

hehehe ;)....here's the little johnny joke just for you johnny ;)


Little Johnny was in the bathroom bushing his *%#$ w/ a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Mom walks in and asks what he's do'n: " Mom I'm go'n to brush this thing 3 times a day so I don't get a cavity like sister!!!

[!King_Amazon!]

Most little johnny jokes are better than that..

[DRK_SORC]

agh lol

[Raziel]

Oh come on, racist jokes are funny! The idea of racism is so ridiculous in the first place that I don't take it seriously at all. Lighten up guys.

[DRK_SORC]

i agree ;) ....good thinking

[Demosthenes]

Originally posted by Strider Fury
why are black ppl so good at basketball?

because they can 'steal' 'run' and 'jump'.

actually its b/c they can run, steal and shoot
its shoot not jump but thats a small matter

[Raziel]

WARNING!!! May offend some!!! Do not read if you are hypersensitive!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

What's long, black and smelly?

The unemployment line!!

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Sum Yung Guy]

Originally posted by mjordan2nd
actually its b/c they can run, steal and shoot
its shoot not jump but thats a small matter
i can run and shoot, but the only time i really stole anything over $5 i got in big ass trouble... maybe if i were a good thief i would be a basketball player

[Demosthenes]

lol

[Demosthenes]

Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

[Demosthenes]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

[Grav]

Q: A
A: A

[!King_Amazon!]

:whtusay:

[!King_Amazon!]

Supermans flying over the city, he's horny as hell. He looks around and he sees wonder women on the roof of a building butt naked, and she's just laying there. Superman thinks to himself "well since I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can swoop down there and fuck her and leave before she can see me." So he flies down fucks wonder women and flies away before she notices. Well wonder women says outloud "did you feel that breeze?" and the invisible man says "I dont know but my ass sure does hurt"

[Jamesadin]

heh, thats pretty good

[Sum Yung Guy]

i like the politics report one heheh

[Sirpullido]

I already knew both, politics one is good, but i liked more in spanish :p

[Jamesadin]

I wouldnt think there would be much of a difference

[Sirpullido]

yay, but i like spanish much more then english =P

[Sum Yung Guy]

Originally posted by Sirpullido
yay, but i like spanish much more then english =P
liar

[Sirpullido]

UR SIG SUX

[Wiccan][V][asta]

I think I speak for SYG when I say http://koti.mbnet.fi/cyrus/images/thanksfortheinfo.jpg

[Silverjinx18]

Originally posted by mjordan2nd
Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

LOL!!!:O)

[Silverjinx18]

December 9, 1999
Rated R
"An Honest Mistake"

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

[Raziel]

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Rolaids.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Sum Yung Guy]

Originally posted by Raziel
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Thats as bad as saying 'rofl'

[RoboticSilence]

rofl

[Raziel]

I beg to differ. The term "haha" actually sounds like a person laughing, and has been used for a countless length of time as the prime indicator of laughter. Simply adding the "W" to the beginning gives it a more "cartoonishly villainous" feel to it.

As for "ROFL", there is not a single human being on this planet that when laughing makes the noise "rowfull". It is nonsensical, and completely ridiculous to post that acronym on a forum. I can understand it's use during Instant Message, but not on a message board.

[RoboticSilence]

The thing about the cartoony feeling is that Whahahahaa doesn't do shit... while "Bwahahahaha" does... try it... it makes you want to stab someone in the pancreas.

[RoboticSilence]

Wrong Thread

[Demosthenes]

Originally posted by Silverjinx18
December 9, 1999
Rated R
"An Honest Mistake"

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

Thats funny.

[!King_Amazon!]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven. "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?""Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began questioning him about where he got it. He told them to fuck off and let him get to sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, come with me," he said and flew out of the cave with dozens of bats following on behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"

A little girl was puzzled asto her origin. "How did I get here,Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did." "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes." he child shook her head in disbelief. " Then you mean to tell me there has been no fucking sex in this family for 200 years?... No wonder everyone is so cranky!

Two guys are drinking at the bar one night till closing time. After the bar closes, they go to a friend's house and drink even more. About 4:30 am, guy1 says to guy2, "I gotta go home. My wife is gonna kill me." Aw, don't worry about it, you can make it up to her." guy1 looks nervous and says, "No, she might actually kill me dead." OK, here's what you do. When you get home, go inside, leave all the lights off. Take off your shoes and sneak into the bedroom then get naked and crawl into bed from the foot end under the covers. Crawl right up between her legs and start licking her pussy. Lick her pussy for all you're worth, lick to save your marriage, lick her pussy to save your life! She'll come all over your face and then roll over, fall asleep, and forgive you." So, guy1 says, "OK, I guess it's worth a try." He goes home, sneaks into the room, leaves the lights off, takes off his shoes, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed from the foot end. He crawls up between her legs and starts to lick her pussy. He licks her pussy for all he's worth. He licks her pussy to save his marriage, he licks her pussy to save his life. After an hour of moaning and thrashing and bucking, his face is completely covered with pussy juice and she starts to come. She comes over and over for three or four minutes then she rolls over and falls asleep. "Well," he thinks, "Great! it worked!" He slides out of bed and goes into the bathroom to wash his face. When he opens the bathroom door to come back out, his wife is standing there. She says, "Shhh... be very quiet and come into the living room. We're sleeping in there while your mom stays in our room."

There was an intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa Claus walking down the street. They all see a £20 note. Who picks it up? The intelligent man, the others don't exist

A Rabbit set himself down in a quiet corner of the woods to take a dump and was just popping the Turtles head when a big Bear settled next to him and began to crap loudly with an awful stink, the Rabbit was pissed off but said nothing, choosing instead to ignore the revolting bear. " Hey Rabbit, does it bother you when the shit sticks to your fur?" said the Bear. " No, not really, " said the Rabbit. The bear picked up the Rabbit and wiped his arse with him. Some time later the same bear and rabbit where going through the woods. They met this genie the genie said I will grant you each 3 wishes and the bear went first "I would like all the other bears in the forest to be female" wish granted The rabbit said "I would like a helmet", the bear laughed at the foolish wish. So the bear thought and said "I would like all the other bears in the U.S. to be female" The rabbit "I would like a motorcycle", the bear laughed and said he should have asked for money and bought a motorcycle. The bears final wish was that all the other bears in the world be female. The rabbit reved up the engine a few times and was set to go when he said "I wish that the bear was gay"

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers..
9. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half..
8. See if they could finally do the splits..
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet..
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch..
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time..
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first..
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1.Finally find that damned G-spot..

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America..
9. Get a blow job..
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat..
7. Pee standing up while talking to men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis....
1. Repeat number 9.....

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, Fred, the poor thing is shivering, it's so cold. What should I do?" "Put it between your legs." "What about the smell?" "Hold its nose."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

[Randuin]

alright... *cough*

[Demosthenes]

Originally posted by !King_Amazon!
Two guys are drinking at the bar one night till closing time. After the bar closes, they go to a friend's house and drink even more. About 4:30 am, guy1 says to guy2, "I gotta go home. My wife is gonna kill me." Aw, don't worry about it, you can make it up to her." guy1 looks nervous and says, "No, she might actually kill me dead." OK, here's what you do. When you get home, go inside, leave all the lights off. Take off your shoes and sneak into the bedroom then get naked and crawl into bed from the foot end under the covers. Crawl right up between her legs and start licking her pussy. Lick her pussy for all you're worth, lick to save your marriage, lick her pussy to save your life! She'll come all over your face and then roll over, fall asleep, and forgive you." So, guy1 says, "OK, I guess it's worth a try." He goes home, sneaks into the room, leaves the lights off, takes off his shoes, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed from the foot end. He crawls up between her legs and starts to lick her pussy. He licks her pussy for all he's worth. He licks her pussy to save his marriage, he licks her pussy to save his life. After an hour of moaning and thrashing and bucking, his face is completely covered with pussy juice and she starts to come. She comes over and over for three or four minutes then she rolls over and falls asleep. "Well," he thinks, "Great! it worked!" He slides out of bed and goes into the bathroom to wash his face. When he opens the bathroom door to come back out, his wife is standing there. She says, "Shhh... be very quiet and come into the living room. We're sleeping in there while your mom stays in our room."


Thats nasty.

[Demosthenes]

Odd Sex Laws


A law in Faibanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

[-Bryan-]

I wonder how many people were stoned when they made those laws.

[platnum]

lol some of theos laws are funny

[Silverjinx18]

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

wtf???

[-Bryan-]

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

wtf???

Gotta leave the state to lose you virginity.

[Silverjinx18]

that's pretty damn gay...

[Silverjinx18]

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

...........PRICELESS!