Gloom and how it gets that way.

[Penny_Bags]

Well... I sit here after my first year of college and look at what I have become throughout the first 19 years of my life. For many things I am proud... for many things I am regretful.

I am a great friend, brother, and son. I have a loving family and some good friends. My family is financially stable and I just enjoyed an all expense payed trip through my first year of college courtesy of my father. My parents are divorced-- their conflicts not tamed but amplified by their separation. My little brother is 9 years old and he is what I care about and love most in my life. He is a great kid but seems to be a bit depressed for a 9 year old. He doesn't have many friends, there are no kids to play with in either my dad or mom's neighborhoods. All in all though, I think he'll do fine. My grandparents have all died, my dads siblings are all still married, my moms siblings are all divorced. All in all the worries and troubles I face are nothing spectacular.

I don't have a girlfriend, and I haven't even done anything with a girl since last September when I last saw my ex girlfriend. After her I just haven't been interested, because I am still hopelessly and unattainably in love with her. In all of my numerous friendships I haven't been able to build close enough bonds to get another human being to open up to me. I cannot be taken seriously or something... I am often under appreciated or scapegoated. People are often very judgmental of me, and vocally so like they can fucking change me themselves or something. I say I am under appreciated and all that shit, and it certainly isn't because I'm jaded. In truth, I am only realizing this upon a bored, tired reflection.

There is some sort of lingering depression inside of me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Sometimes I have thoughts people would consider worthy of institutionalization. I often find myself putting on a mask or a face for the world to see, because maybe I am just afraid that if I don't I will be rejected for what I really am. I am often socially insecure but behave in the way you might have seen me behave when I was active on these forums. I almost create an image of myself and become it, and retreat to my reality whenever I am in my own privacy. We all do this to some degree, but I have come to realize I perpetuate insane fake lives to keep the different characters that I become separate.

I don't know if I could consider myself trustworthy, but I can definitely without a shadow of a doubt say that when I do things I do them with a sense of justice in my mind. I often find myself silently taking on burdens to make easier the lives of others... this is a problem. For example my roommate, I discovered, had a lot of problems with me that he wasn't vocalizing, but only vocalizing to mutual friends. They brought it up to me, so I silently bent to what he would consider a perfect roommate just so he would be happier. It was the worst few months of my life. I love the kid, he's a great friend... but my personal flaws caused me great stress.

I take on burdens like this in all areas of my life, sometimes I feel like it is enough to just make me collapse. I am afraid to do just what makes me happy, I continue to live vicariously through the joy of others. I don't know if I am happy with what I have become... but I can say that I am sort of impressed by my own strength and persistence. I haven't really described in depth some of the sacrifices I have made for others, but some are outright ridiculous.


My biggest problem right now has been my increasingly strong addiction to World of Warcraft. I was playing 16 hours a day at one point, and now I have pretty much snapped out of it. I am breaking away from the game but for some disgusting reason I feel this need to perpetuate my situation as a raider in a top end guild working on cutting edge new content. I have so many friends and so many people who would love to spend time on me and I have wasted 150 days of my life playing that game.... in barely over one years time. I used to justify my playing of Warcraft in a philosophical way. I told myself that I couldn't find others that were like me in the real world, and the only minds that I could find myself enjoying spending time with were those I met online from the vast stretches of the world. At the peak of my addiction, I almost met a girl from the game in real life. I at least had the sense to break that off before either of us got emotionally hurt.

It has become quite clear to me that the immense stress of my real life has been caused by my ability to lose myself in the world called Warcraft. I could simply do what I "had" to to play the game more, so I could live my fake life to my wildest of dreams. In some sick sense I had become more my Warcraft character than myself. I need to have the strength to fix that, and eliminate that aspect of my life and make peace with who I really am in the real world. I realize that there are opportunities for great happiness out there, and I am throwing them away. I don't know if I will have the strength to do this or not, but I know that no one can help me.



I just thought I'd share that with the Zelaron community. Afterall, the last part is probably the reason I had no time to post here. So what do I do now.... I have a raid at 8:30 EST.. hmmm I guess I'll just go for now.

[!King_Amazon!]

I honestly didn't read it(I'm headed out right now, so I only skimmed it)

I've just very recently decided to "quit" WoW. I realized that I was spending so much time progressing my character when I could have been spending that time progressing myself IRL. The game was taking way too much of my time(and I was just a casual raider.)

I was progressively getting worse and worse IRL, getting more stressed, more irritable. I could handle playing WoW for a while, but I kept pushing shit to the side to do later and then I had a pile to deal with.

I'm not going to play the game nearly as much now. No raiding, no playing every day. I'll play when I feel like playing, and I'll probably just PVP or level an alt or something. I can't afford to spend 4 hours playing the game at once, every day for a few days.

I've also wanted to play other games but I couldn't, and I'm now working on that. I've been wanting to play D2 again, Baldur's Gate 2, San Andreas, KOTOR, Halo, etc. But I never had time when I was playing WoW, because I felt like I was WASTING time playing those other games.

[gruesomeBODY]

The way you feel about WoW is the way i use to feel about Halo. I have calmed it down a huge amount and my life is beginning to turn around for the better. I hope that everything works out for you dude

[Penny_Bags]

Thanks.

I don't know... not all of my problems are WoW related... WoW just provides the escape. I have a lot to make right in my life. I need to stop underachieving and stop living for other people.

[!King_Amazon!]

Thanks.

I don't know... not all of my problems are WoW related... WoW just provides the escape. I have a lot to make right in my life. I need to stop underachieving and stop living for other people.
WoW was pretty much just taking too much of my time, and making me a slacker when I wasn't playing it. I've got potential to be "great" but I choose to be "good enough."

I'm sick of being "good enough."

[Thanatos]

Your last sentence summed it all up. You can't run your life with other people's intentions in mind. Be who you are and what you want to be, no matter what people think of you. Ultimately, you'll be happier that way. You may make your friends happier for a limited amount of time, but wouldn't you like to be happier on a regular basis? Do what you want to do, fuck what other people think.

I'm not quite sure how WoW ties into all this, but you need to play less of it. Being addicted to ANYTHING isn't good. You need some balance in your life. Maybe set aside a time a day (or less) for WoW. Schedule your life around the important things you have to do, not WoW. Try to make your day busy so you aren't tempted to get on WoW and sit there forever.

[!King_Amazon!]

Your last sentence summed it all up. You can't run your life with other people's intentions in mind. Be who you are and what you want to be, no matter what people think of you. Ultimately, you'll be happier that way. You may make your friends happier for a limited amount of time, but wouldn't you like to be happier on a regular basis? Do what you want to do, fuck what other people think.

I'm not quite sure how WoW ties into all this, but you need to play less of it. Being addicted to ANYTHING isn't good. You need some balance in your life. Maybe set aside a time a day (or less) for WoW. Schedule your life around the important things you have to do, not WoW. Try to make your day busy so you aren't tempted to get on WoW and sit there forever.
Well, the main problem with WoW, is once you're at the level cap, pretty much anything takes a good amount of time to do.

Raiding, takes 3+ hours at a time.

Even just running regular instances with people takes usually 2 hours, there are a few that only take an hour if you're with a good group of people who all know each other and are pretty coordinated.

PVP is really the only thing you can do in a short amount of time, that and either farm money or do quests for money.

The game gets to the point that it's only function is as a time sink, and for Blizzard, that's a good thing, but for the players, it can cause problems.

I can play Diablo 2 for 10 minutes and have fun. On WoW, it would take me 10 minutes to even start having fun.

[Penny_Bags]

WoW was pretty much just taking too much of my time, and making me a slacker when I wasn't playing it. I've got potential to be "great" but I choose to be "good enough."

I'm sick of being "good enough." Exactly.

[Penny_Bags]

Yeah, I mean... that's a big problem with WoW.

My raids are six hours long. That's 5 days a week... that's a fucking lot. I mean, it is a trap really. I can't play when I want, or for how long I want. I have to conform to some insane raiding schedule that 24 other people depend on me for. People create their own little fake reality inside that game, and it's just disgusting. I want to get to the point in my life where If neccesary I could exist if everything technological just died out and it was just me and other human beings that I love surviving or something like that. A natural state I suppose.


Here's my big problem though. I have determined that WOW serves as my escape...the idea that my much needed escape won't be there anymore is terrifying. There is a lot in life I'm afraid of, but mostly being alone and being bored. I need to stop playing the game... I just... don't know how I can.

[Thanatos]

Still, he needs balance. Take time out of every day to do something more productive than WoW. Being good at WoW won't mean shit 5 years down the road. Creating and reinforcing friendships now could mean all the difference to you 5 years down the road.

[!King_Amazon!]

Still, he needs balance. Take time out of every day to do something more productive than WoW. Being good at WoW won't mean shit 5 years down the road. Creating and reinforcing friendships now could mean all the difference to you 5 years down the road.
It's hard to balance WoW with life.

Other games, sure. WoW is too much of a time sink.

I can play Baldur's gate for 30 minutes or less, save my game, and go do what I need to do, come back later and finish whatever I want to do. You can't do that in WoW, especially if you raid.

The main problem I had with raiding was, I had to plan 4 hours out of my life to play a video game. And these 4 hours had to be consecutive.

I get home ~5:30, raid at ~6:00, finish ~10:00 or later, and it's time for bed.

So, anything I needed to do in that time doesn't get done, I grab fast food for dinner(3 nights in a row.) My health started deteriorating, and I started having to catch up on shit.

I can spare 4 hours to play video games, but not 4 consecutive hours. I have things I need to do.

[Thanatos]

Real life friendships > WoW + friendships you get from that game.

No computer game should be the downfall of your social life. Period.

[KagomJack]

Good thing you're giving up WoW. My boyfriend sits in front of his computer for almost the amount of time you played WoW. Now 90% of that time is spent playing WoW too. It's a nasty habit, almost like a real drug addiction, as was an observation made by a friend of mine.

In regards to what you've said about relationships and the such: it happens, man, it really does. Just have to hang in there, really. None of us can really expect to find The One this early in our lives, maybe in the next 8-20 or so years, but not now. We're all still very young and still experiencing what life has to offer us.

As for the different faces: I did that a lot. It's hard to explain why it makes things maybe feel better or makes things more convenient or easier for you. It just does. It's hard to break free of it and it requires a lot of self-work. But you're a strong guy, you'll be able to do it.

[HandOfHeaven]

Go hiking. It's relaxing to just be isolated out in the woods.

[Penny_Bags]

Go hiking. It's relaxing to just be isolated out in the woods.
That's a good idea.


And thanks for the helpful words Kagom.

[!King_Amazon!]

I'm going camping in a couple of weeks, looking forward to just relaxing(and getting drunk.)

Nothing to worry about out in the woods, except for bears and such.

[Penny_Bags]

Bears mean nothing.

[!King_Amazon!]

If I see a bear I'm going to start flailing around and screaming like I'm crazy and scare that bitch off.

[HandOfHeaven]

Only seen a coyote around here, and I think we spooked it. Whenever I want to escape I just take my Ipod for the long walk to the woods, turn off everything and just hike. It's fun.

[Willkillforfood]

I know the type of raiding guild you're in ...we have several of them on alleria. If I were you I'd leave that guild and join a more casual one. I'm in a casual raiding guild and we have a great time.

I play WOW a lot right now ...not because I'm severely addicted (I almost quit when blizzard people changed my fucking character's name until I had some guildies send me e-mails asking me to come back) but because I like the people in my guild and I don't have shit to do.

If WOW is really that much of a problem for you I might even quit it altogether. As far as your ex ...man, it sounds like it's about time to move on. There are plenty of decent chicks out there.

[!King_Amazon!]

I was in a casual raiding guild, 3 nights a week 3-4 hours a night, which wouldn't be bad if I didn't have a girlfriend or a full time job or other shit to do. But neither would a hardcore raiding guild.

I can't handle raiding with my schedule, just doesn't work.

[KagomJack]

Any time. I've been in your situation, sort of, before and I understand how it's aggravating and depressing. But just have a little faith and it'll turn out okay. May need work, but these things do find a way to work themselves out.

And go hiking and camping out. You won't regret it.

[Demosthenes]

Penny, your's is the only post I read. I don't know what everyone else said.

This is a hard attitude to take towards the world and very conceited to say the least but it greatly alleviates depression to actually think you are better/smarter than most around you. The impression I get from you on the forums is that you're a fairly smart guy, and that sort of attitude may not be far from the truth at all.

[Penny_Bags]

to actually think you are better/smarter than most around you. Quite frankly, sometimes it's hard not to. People can only let you down for so long before you stop having faith in them.

I'm so detached, I can't help it. I know its self righteous and stupid and all that but... for some reason, I just can't help but live my life inside my head. Everything I do and say... its like its calculated.

[Titusfied]

Video games appear to becoming more and more addictive. D2 was way too addictive for me, and I played A LOT during my first two years of college. I was lucky enough to have already met a good core group of friends during classes, and they always got me out to go drinking, partying, and chick lurking. Honestly, if it wasn't for them, I would've probably gone through the same thing you're going through now. I was constantly cutting classes, pushing off projects, papers, studying, etc. just so I could play Diablo constantly.

I mean, there were weekends when most of my friends would go home for the weekend, and I didn't go out and just played Diablo all weekend. When they came back, I would lie to them and tell them all kinds of fabricated stories about parties, blacking out, etc. just so they didn't think I was such a complete fag. I would then tell myself that I'm not going to do that again, because I was only kidding myself and ruining my college experience, but low and behold, when the next opportunity arose, I would do the exact same thing.

I did that for my entire first year of college, and during my second year, I forced myself to stop. It wasn't easy, I'm telling you, but it was neccessary. I called up people, joined intermural sports, worked out at the gym, ran a lot, etc. just go get myself out of my dorm room and away from Diablo. And it definitely worked, believe me.

Being addicted is never good, no matter what it's too, except for sex. You seriously need to get away from it, and stop yourself from getting too much of a superiority complex. You need to force yourself to do extraciricular activites. You made the first good step, now finish it off!

[RoboticSilence]

Advice, cash in all your WoW hours on eBay and give up MMOs forever. I came to the same realization you did about WoW (this time applied to City of Heroes/EVE) and while I didn't put nearly as much time into it as you did (probably less than 1/10th) I realized that it is totally pointless and not worth the destruction of effort/motivation it causes.

[!King_Amazon!]

I was going to attempt to sell my account on e-bay, but when I think about all of the time that I myself put into it, it's not really worth it to me. I'd rather keep it and hop on to screw around from time to time.

My mage has ~200 days played time. That's 4800 hours. At minimum wage, that's Just under $25,000.

I mean, that's not really a good comparison, but it puts into perspective how much I've played the game.

[KagomJack]

Being addicted to video games is a tad bit a new fad nowadays. I was addicted to games when I was younger, but I'm not so much anymore. I can't find any game to be addicted to.

[KagomJack]

I'm well aware of that. I've dealt with video game addiction before and not just with me.

[Penny_Bags]

Videogame addiction is real, and it's serious.

In some ways the psychological addictions (videogames, marijuana) can be worse than the physically addictive drugs because the difference is... you don't really want to stop.
And its fucking hell.

[RoboticSilence]

Which is probably why you should push the account out the door and don't look back. So what if you won't get the minimum-labor value for it, at least you will not be paying a monthly fee to "get on and screw around every once in a while" which doesn't seem likely to happen quite that way from what you've illustrated. Seriously, get what you can and try to put the era behind you.

[Titusfied]

I agree. It's not easy, but necessary.

[Penny_Bags]

You make a strong point.

However, I am a strong person... Lately I have done a good job of controlling stuff. I talked to my guild leader and told him my problems and he's a great guy... basically said "Look, only log on when you want to, and there will be no problem". So now, I don't really have to force myself to play when I don't want to, or feel like I need to raid everynight or anything. I think I am capable of backing away from the game slowly on my own merits, just like I did with Diablo 2. Things get boring, it happens... until then I'm jut going to do what I want. Not like "HEY I WANNA PLAY WOW ALL DAY LOL IMA DO IT", but like "I enjoy fulfilling my responsibilities in real life, and playing WoW in part of leisure time".

Aside from this I hope to go out every weekend night, and probably once during the week. I'm also going to be playing soccer a lot and I'm trying to start working out.

Life's good!

[Penny_Bags]

Quit the game.

[!King_Amazon!]

Grats. You just gained a level IRL.

[Penny_Bags]

Haha... ty very much.

However being in the real world makes me realize how fucked up it is.

Man, I can sure do a lot with all this time on my hands though.

[Vollstrecker]

Quit the game.

Don't know how I missed this thread, and I can highly relate to many parts of it...

I'm right up there myself, I actually just passed 270 days /played since release, not counting characters I've deleted. It's a truly sobering realization that I've spent 74% of a year logged on to the game. I was also unable to play for a period of 5 months during that time where I was largely unemployed too, that would have put me pretty close to a year.

I've been struggling to quit, however it's one of the cheapest forms of entertainment I can find since our budget isn't so great, Abby is still locating a job having just graduated from College. Add that to the fact that I'm in charge of a casual raid guild (so I somewhat have a responsibility to the guildies) and it always arms my other side of the brain with enough ammunition to keep me playing.

I'm growing away from it, and looking to fully switch over to casual gaming before the school semester starts up again, because my school performance this last semester suffered due to WoW (I actually had to withdraw from two classes due to work and WoW).

Grats on beating it, Penny. I hope you can stay off it and maybe things will look a little brighter for ya. I'll be joining you soon enough, after I get things set up for the guild to continue after my departure from the game.

[!King_Amazon!]

That's one thing you just have to let go of, Volls. Responsibility to other players.

It's a video game. When you can't decide when and when not to play it because of "responsibilities" to other people, it's not a video game anymore.

[Vollstrecker]

Aye, and that's where a lot of my realization came into play. Extensive responsibility sounds more like Real Life or a Job than a video game. With a job, college, and a fiancee, I really shouldn't be putting myself in a position to be stressed on a video game.

I won't be picking up any Raid MMOs again, I simply don't have the time these days to stay competitive. I am interested in Warhammer though, pending how casual friendly it is, hoping my Bungie buddy will come through and score me a beta key. :)

[!King_Amazon!]

Well, my realization was when I was:

1. Going to raids even when I had other things I NEEDED to do, and even when I didn't WANT to go, because my guild needed me.

2. Not playing any other games because I felt like if I wasn't progressing my character then I was doing something wrong.

WoW is a game that once you start playing it, you can't just play for 15 minutes and stop. Just about anything you do takes a good long while. I like being able to play games these days whenever I want, regardless of how much time I have. If I've got 15 minutes to do whatever I want, I'll play some D2 or whatever, and I can just stop whenever I want.

[Vollstrecker]

Well, my realization was when I was:

1. Going to raids even when I had other things I NEEDED to do, and even when I didn't WANT to go, because my guild needed me.

2. Not playing any other games because I felt like if I wasn't progressing my character then I was doing something wrong.

WoW is a game that once you start playing it, you can't just play for 15 minutes and stop. Just about anything you do takes a good long while. I like being able to play games these days whenever I want, regardless of how much time I have. If I've got 15 minutes to do whatever I want, I'll play some D2 or whatever, and I can just stop whenever I want.

I thought I was one of the only ones who had it that bad, I suppose (very selfishly) that I'm happy to hear I wasn't alone with these problems.

Although I used to have a problem with spending too much time on D2 and other games as well, so I doubt WoW is my entire problem. I probably just need to learn some discipline somehow.

[!King_Amazon!]

WoW can make a bad thing horrible.

D2 used to suck a lot of my time too, but I could stop whenever I wanted to. In WoW, 95% of the time, if you're doing something, you can't just stop it. Running cows/Baal doesn't take 2 hours.

[Willkillforfood]

Yea. My WOW subscription runs out on August 7th ...I think I'm not gonna renew it. I'm starting at a tougher school (although still easy compared to a lot of more prestigious schools) and it's just time to concentrate on real life =).

[Penny_Bags]

Yeah thanks for the positive support guys, I hope you find the strength to quit too Volls, even now as I've said I've quit the game I'm struggling internally.

[Vault Dweller]

After reading all this, it makes me glad I never started. I'd done a report on some of the ethical issues involved in online gaming last semester, and had considered opening a WoW account. But with my addictive gaming personality, I can't imagine that would be a good thing.

[!King_Amazon!]

WoW is fine if you have the time for it. Back when I was living with my parents, with no job and no school, WoW was great. Without it, I would have gotten bored with everything else so fast. It didn't cause problems in my life back then.

Now I'm living with my girlfriend, working full time and all that jazz, and I've just got other things that HAVE to be done.

I mean, I don't blame the game. Too many people blame the game for their problems. There's nothing wrong with the game as long as you've got the time for it and the control to keep from losing yourself in it. The game is awesome.

[Vollstrecker]

After reading all this, it makes me glad I never started. I'd done a report on some of the ethical issues involved in online gaming last semester, and had considered opening a WoW account. But with my addictive gaming personality, I can't imagine that would be a good thing.

The game has a few problems itself in my eyes, but largely what the problem with some people is that they don't have the willpower to quit something they enjoy, even though it's causing damage elsewhere.

I'll be quitting before this semester starts, and depending upon how I'm doing, I may renew if I can control it. I honestly just need more discipline and willpower in regards to my gaming.

As K_A said, MMOs are fantastic fun if you have the time to dedicate to them, but if you don't, you're just in for a world of hurt.

[timmay1113]

I quit WoW, but I'm not going to lie. It has definitely left a big void in me because I constantly feel like I have ADD or something and I am always bored. I play d2 a bit now and that helps. Luckily I can throw a bot on with D2 and go read a book or something so it isn't taking up as much of my time. Despite being bored a fair amount I still consider quitting WOW to be a very wise move and I definitely am a lot happier now not having my soul sucked away by the never ending WoW grind anymore. I will probably always be a gamer at heart but I'm glad I am back to games where I can actually CONTROL my game time like d2 , 360, or Wii games.

P.S. Volls if bent/ferrex get you Warhammer keys I will hate you forever lol.

[Demosthenes]

CONTROL my game time like d2

Whoa! Never thought I'd hear about how awesome you were at controlling D2 game time...

[Vollstrecker]

P.S. Volls if bent/ferrex get you Warhammer keys I will hate you forever lol.

:P

Llama got me into the Burning Crusade Beta, so you never know...

[timmay1113]

Whoa! Never thought I'd hear about how awesome you were at controlling D2 game time...

I actually am not playing d2 so very much, but thats probably because of the bot. I do love dicking around on the computer still though. lol

:P

Llama got me into the Burning Crusade Beta, so you never know...

I think I got in BC beta on some site's random raffle so I was pretty pumped about that. I think I would shed tears of happiness if I actually got into Warhammer.

[KagomJack]

Probably was the most difficult thing you ever did, wasn't it (or at least felt like it was)? But congrats, man. You're going to find your life will be feel less stretched.

[Demosthenes]

I actually am not playing d2 so very much, but thats probably because of the bot. I do love dicking around on the computer still though. lol

Yea, but this is like your sixth stint with d2. Why don't you talk about your first two?

[timmay1113]

Because I'm talking about the present ya cock.