Raziel
2006-02-18, 04:34 PM
So, big changes have occurred in my life since the last time I informed everyone of the last set of big changes several months back. Last you knew, I had moved to Layton, Utah to start singing for the metal band Coldworm, and had moved in with my guitarist, Dan. I was also working as a training apprentice electrician. Lot of changes since then.
All of these changes stem from one pretty big event however, so I must start there. Dan and his wife of seven years are now divorced. The explanation is a bit lengthy, so bear with me.
After moving into Dan's home, I tried as best as I could to quickly integrate myself into the household, so as not to upset anyone or make anybody uncomfortable with my presence. I knew that Dan was already cool with me living there, but I also knew that my presence made Liz a bit uncomfortable, and I knew that their kids were a bit scared by me, not knowing who I was and all. So, I did my best to make my presence painless and advantageous to everyone. I helped out around the house every day, helped Liz with the kids, helped Dan with various chores, got a job and offered to start paying rent and help pay for groceries to which Dan said it was unnecessary. Everything was going smooth...for about a month.
For the first month I was there, their household seemed like a perfectly normal home, no fighting, no arguing no chaos. Then, after a few weeks, apparently Dan lost his ability, or desire, to keep himself under control in my presence any longer and I got to see what an abusive hunk of shit he really is. To keep it short and sweet, I've never met a more selfish, destructive, careless, irresponsible person in my entire life. It was a shock to learn this as well, because I never would have guessed it without seeing it for myself. I've listened to the horrible things he would say and do to his wife and children, all in the name of making him feel better about himself. I've heard him throw Liz into walls, heard him verbally destroy her on a near-constant basis, watched him man-handle his kids and I've seen him admit to these acts with pride in his voice. There was one particular night, he and Liz started arguing in their bedroom. He became so enraged that he hrew her into a wall, screamed obscenities two inches away from her, and then spit directly into her face. She confronted him about this in front of me, the next day, and not only did he admit to it, but laughed about it.
During this time, Liz and I were becoming better and better friends. We'd hang out, talk regularly, and through this I learned about all the stuff he was doing that I wasn't seeing. It was through befriending her that I learned how dangerously close she had been to just flat-out divorcing him for the last several years, and that the only thing keeping her tied to him was financial stability. I came to find myself in a very dangerous situation. Let's say that one of these days, Dan finally went one step too far and she just decided to leave him, no questions. Dan, being the narcississtic psychopath that he is, would of course not blame himself for her departure, nor his children, nor his family or other friends. He would go for the easiest possible scapegoat. The only major new element to be introduced into his world: me.
So, what did I do? I made excuses for him. I defended that arrogant prick. For four months, I tried my absolute damnedest to help her figure out a way to continue to be happy in her marriage, without compromising her safety or self-worth. However, every time I went and found an answer, Dan would intentionally or unintentionally find a way to screw it up. Every time I managed to do him a favor in regard to his wife's feelings towards him, he'd go and ruin it. I started taking Liz to 12-step meetings, he forbid me to do so. I sat up with Liz at night and talked to her about the situation, and he gave her a curfew. I finally came to realize that what Dan wanted was not a happy household. Just a subservient one. He didn't give a rat's ass whether the people around him were happy or not, just so long as they followed orders.
I kept this horrible balancing act up for four months, and then it finally all came unraveled. The big fight hit. Only this time, Dan threw a lit cigarette at her neck, burning her, and then twisted her arm up behind her back and shattered the plate of food Liz was making for dinner. In front of their kids. Liz left. Said she was done and walked out the door with her children. At that point, I found myself in a terrifyingly quiet house. I went upstairs to see what had happened, and decided to help out and clean up the plate of food off the floor. I then turned around to see Dan sitting on the couch, beer in hand, with onbe of the most murderously angry looks I've ever seen on a person. I did the only thing I could do and sat down to try and talk to him. We talked for four hours about the state of their relationship, and I told him that he'd fucked up bad. I did what I could to help him, telling him that he needed to be in 12-step, anger management and personal therapy. He was compliant that night, and I went to bed re-assured that maybe he now understood that this was all his own damned fault and that he'd start making honest-to-God changes in his life.
The next day, Dan came down and talked to me and basically told me that while trying to sleep, he had come to the conclusion that I had given him bad advice. Intentionally bad advice. He accused me of trying to sabotage his marriage, and told me he wanted me out by the end of the week.
I started looking for a new place, and quickly found one. During the following week, however, things only got worse. Dan commanded Liz and I to end our friendship, if I had any desire to remain in his band, and I refused. I told him that I was a grown man and had the right to befriend anyone I choose. He saw otherwise and kicked me out of the band. I moved out, Liz made her final decision and divorced him.
I've been living on my own since September, Dan and Liz have been divorced since October. Liz and I are still friends, but everybody else is in Dan's court over this affair. The rest of the band, and all of his buddies side with him simply because they've known him longer, which is to be expected. I've found a new job, temporary as it may be, and I'm in a new band. I've made new friends, and quite honestly, I could care less what those other people think of me at this point.
Liz and I are starting to find ourselves drifting into a relationship, which is admittedly a little strange, but not to be unexpected. Dan has done nothing to learn from his mistakes, and has already been arrested once for assault against Liz, and has been officially warned for harassment against me.
Shitty situation, but you make the most out of what you've got. I did the best I could given the circumstances.
So, that's about the whole of it. Thanks for letting me spew.
All of these changes stem from one pretty big event however, so I must start there. Dan and his wife of seven years are now divorced. The explanation is a bit lengthy, so bear with me.
After moving into Dan's home, I tried as best as I could to quickly integrate myself into the household, so as not to upset anyone or make anybody uncomfortable with my presence. I knew that Dan was already cool with me living there, but I also knew that my presence made Liz a bit uncomfortable, and I knew that their kids were a bit scared by me, not knowing who I was and all. So, I did my best to make my presence painless and advantageous to everyone. I helped out around the house every day, helped Liz with the kids, helped Dan with various chores, got a job and offered to start paying rent and help pay for groceries to which Dan said it was unnecessary. Everything was going smooth...for about a month.
For the first month I was there, their household seemed like a perfectly normal home, no fighting, no arguing no chaos. Then, after a few weeks, apparently Dan lost his ability, or desire, to keep himself under control in my presence any longer and I got to see what an abusive hunk of shit he really is. To keep it short and sweet, I've never met a more selfish, destructive, careless, irresponsible person in my entire life. It was a shock to learn this as well, because I never would have guessed it without seeing it for myself. I've listened to the horrible things he would say and do to his wife and children, all in the name of making him feel better about himself. I've heard him throw Liz into walls, heard him verbally destroy her on a near-constant basis, watched him man-handle his kids and I've seen him admit to these acts with pride in his voice. There was one particular night, he and Liz started arguing in their bedroom. He became so enraged that he hrew her into a wall, screamed obscenities two inches away from her, and then spit directly into her face. She confronted him about this in front of me, the next day, and not only did he admit to it, but laughed about it.
During this time, Liz and I were becoming better and better friends. We'd hang out, talk regularly, and through this I learned about all the stuff he was doing that I wasn't seeing. It was through befriending her that I learned how dangerously close she had been to just flat-out divorcing him for the last several years, and that the only thing keeping her tied to him was financial stability. I came to find myself in a very dangerous situation. Let's say that one of these days, Dan finally went one step too far and she just decided to leave him, no questions. Dan, being the narcississtic psychopath that he is, would of course not blame himself for her departure, nor his children, nor his family or other friends. He would go for the easiest possible scapegoat. The only major new element to be introduced into his world: me.
So, what did I do? I made excuses for him. I defended that arrogant prick. For four months, I tried my absolute damnedest to help her figure out a way to continue to be happy in her marriage, without compromising her safety or self-worth. However, every time I went and found an answer, Dan would intentionally or unintentionally find a way to screw it up. Every time I managed to do him a favor in regard to his wife's feelings towards him, he'd go and ruin it. I started taking Liz to 12-step meetings, he forbid me to do so. I sat up with Liz at night and talked to her about the situation, and he gave her a curfew. I finally came to realize that what Dan wanted was not a happy household. Just a subservient one. He didn't give a rat's ass whether the people around him were happy or not, just so long as they followed orders.
I kept this horrible balancing act up for four months, and then it finally all came unraveled. The big fight hit. Only this time, Dan threw a lit cigarette at her neck, burning her, and then twisted her arm up behind her back and shattered the plate of food Liz was making for dinner. In front of their kids. Liz left. Said she was done and walked out the door with her children. At that point, I found myself in a terrifyingly quiet house. I went upstairs to see what had happened, and decided to help out and clean up the plate of food off the floor. I then turned around to see Dan sitting on the couch, beer in hand, with onbe of the most murderously angry looks I've ever seen on a person. I did the only thing I could do and sat down to try and talk to him. We talked for four hours about the state of their relationship, and I told him that he'd fucked up bad. I did what I could to help him, telling him that he needed to be in 12-step, anger management and personal therapy. He was compliant that night, and I went to bed re-assured that maybe he now understood that this was all his own damned fault and that he'd start making honest-to-God changes in his life.
The next day, Dan came down and talked to me and basically told me that while trying to sleep, he had come to the conclusion that I had given him bad advice. Intentionally bad advice. He accused me of trying to sabotage his marriage, and told me he wanted me out by the end of the week.
I started looking for a new place, and quickly found one. During the following week, however, things only got worse. Dan commanded Liz and I to end our friendship, if I had any desire to remain in his band, and I refused. I told him that I was a grown man and had the right to befriend anyone I choose. He saw otherwise and kicked me out of the band. I moved out, Liz made her final decision and divorced him.
I've been living on my own since September, Dan and Liz have been divorced since October. Liz and I are still friends, but everybody else is in Dan's court over this affair. The rest of the band, and all of his buddies side with him simply because they've known him longer, which is to be expected. I've found a new job, temporary as it may be, and I'm in a new band. I've made new friends, and quite honestly, I could care less what those other people think of me at this point.
Liz and I are starting to find ourselves drifting into a relationship, which is admittedly a little strange, but not to be unexpected. Dan has done nothing to learn from his mistakes, and has already been arrested once for assault against Liz, and has been officially warned for harassment against me.
Shitty situation, but you make the most out of what you've got. I did the best I could given the circumstances.
So, that's about the whole of it. Thanks for letting me spew.