Raziel
2005-08-14, 10:25 PM
At the moment, my life is going fairly well. I'm living in Syracuse, Utah, just outside of Salt Lake with my guitarist, Dan and his family. I'm staying here rent-free, I've got a wad of cash in my bank account that I'm living off of until I find a new job (the electrician thing didn't work out), I'm in the process of snagging a new car (and by "new" I mean "used-but-new-to-me"), and my band is kicking unholy ass in the writing department. I'm making a lot of new friends and I, by all rights, should have nothing to be upset about. Regardless of these facts, however, I am still in a shitty state of mind.
Here's the deal. I have not been involved with anyone for nearly four years. I've dated a few chicks here and there, but I haven't been in an honest-to-God relationship since I graduated highschool. Part of the reason was because I just didn't want to deal with the hassle. It was just always easier to have responsibility limited solely to myself, without having to worry about others. Part of the reason is also the fact that I was scared of committing myself again. The last person I was seriously involved with tore a hole through my guts the size of a Mack truck, and it's left me wary of attempting to probe the mind of the female population since. I didn't want to have to deal with the agony of that situation again, and as such, I combined both excuses as a manner of writing off relationships for the last four years. I was mostly pretty content with this situation until I moved to Syracuse and started living with Dan and his family.
I'm not going to sugar-coat things and say that Dan's relationship with his wife is perfect. It's far from it, and I know, because I've unwittingly found myself playing the role of the confessional booth to both parties when the two of them end up on each-other's bad sides. It's not that I have a problem talking to either of them about their issues, I enjoy it in fact. However, it's in the moments when the two of them are getting along perfectly that I can't supress this feeling of complete, blinding jealousy. It's been so long since I've known what an actual loving relationship feels like, that before I moved here, I had almost entirely fogotten it. Seeing the two of them together, every single day, has reawakened that memory and it stings like I can't describe. I both love it and hate it when the two of them are getting along, because I simply don't like to see them fight, but it also means I have to be constantly reminded of what a committed relationship is like and what it feels like to not be in one.
I was content to be alone until just this last month or so. This feeling, this irritating depression over my circumstances has simply hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm starting to lose my mind. I'm so lonely I could scream, and the ironic thing is that I'm living in a house full of people.
The problem that I'm facing now is weighing my own fear against my own self-inflicted misery. I'm afraid to attempt to open myself back up to someone, because the last time I did, I walked away with severed mental limbs. On top of that, it's been so long since I've even attempted to forge a relationship with anyone that I fear I've forgotten how. On the other hand, I'm slipping into a pit of depression every second that I stall, every opportunity to change my circumstances that I miss. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore.
Here's the deal. I have not been involved with anyone for nearly four years. I've dated a few chicks here and there, but I haven't been in an honest-to-God relationship since I graduated highschool. Part of the reason was because I just didn't want to deal with the hassle. It was just always easier to have responsibility limited solely to myself, without having to worry about others. Part of the reason is also the fact that I was scared of committing myself again. The last person I was seriously involved with tore a hole through my guts the size of a Mack truck, and it's left me wary of attempting to probe the mind of the female population since. I didn't want to have to deal with the agony of that situation again, and as such, I combined both excuses as a manner of writing off relationships for the last four years. I was mostly pretty content with this situation until I moved to Syracuse and started living with Dan and his family.
I'm not going to sugar-coat things and say that Dan's relationship with his wife is perfect. It's far from it, and I know, because I've unwittingly found myself playing the role of the confessional booth to both parties when the two of them end up on each-other's bad sides. It's not that I have a problem talking to either of them about their issues, I enjoy it in fact. However, it's in the moments when the two of them are getting along perfectly that I can't supress this feeling of complete, blinding jealousy. It's been so long since I've known what an actual loving relationship feels like, that before I moved here, I had almost entirely fogotten it. Seeing the two of them together, every single day, has reawakened that memory and it stings like I can't describe. I both love it and hate it when the two of them are getting along, because I simply don't like to see them fight, but it also means I have to be constantly reminded of what a committed relationship is like and what it feels like to not be in one.
I was content to be alone until just this last month or so. This feeling, this irritating depression over my circumstances has simply hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm starting to lose my mind. I'm so lonely I could scream, and the ironic thing is that I'm living in a house full of people.
The problem that I'm facing now is weighing my own fear against my own self-inflicted misery. I'm afraid to attempt to open myself back up to someone, because the last time I did, I walked away with severed mental limbs. On top of that, it's been so long since I've even attempted to forge a relationship with anyone that I fear I've forgotten how. On the other hand, I'm slipping into a pit of depression every second that I stall, every opportunity to change my circumstances that I miss. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore.